FF: Take Me, Baby, or Leave Me

Although written by a young man, this song from “Rent” became an anthem for women of a certain age ready to be taken on their own terms. Maureen and Joanne love each other, but they are *very* different.

Whether it’s new friends or new loves or new employers, what are five things people should know about you?

This Friday Five is really challenging for me, because I realize how many people I’m not completely honest with about. I don’t have enough confidence in myself, enough trust in other people to believe that they really will take me for what I am and still accept me.

So, what would I want to say to all of those people, family, friends, church members, who only see the “neutral” me?

1) My husband isn’t a Christian, and for the most part, I’m really okay with that.

2) I consider myself a liberal. In all facets of my life. Politically, economically, socially, theologically. This has been the hardest one b/c my family is pretty conservative, and so is the majority of my church. What I need to find the balance of is how to be me without imposing my views.

3) I am a huge procrastinator.

4) I like for things to be clean and organized, but I don’t always put things away… not until I need to work on something and then I get the urge to clean. or when I’m stressed. I clean then too.

5) I take things personally. I try not to, but when you comment about something around me or something that I am a part of, or something that is in my sphere of influence, I take it personally.

Winter

Yeah, I know it’s been winter for like three weeks now, but we are getting some pretty heavy winter weather in Iowa this week.

I normally take Monday mornings off – to recouperate from the weekend – and then head in to the office after lunch. But I didn’t really feel like shoveling the driveway, and I didn’t really feel like turning on the heat over at the church just for myself, and I didn’t really think that I could accomplish anything there that I couldn’t accomplish just as well at home.

So I stayed in my pj’s and worked from the couch today. And it was great.

There are definately some advantages to being a solo pastor at a small church with no other staff. Like being able to make my own schedule the way I have and the flexibility that comes with it. But there are also serious disadvantages.

Sometimes I need the accountability of others. It’s easy to decide to come in late if no one is there and no one cares.

But it’s also sometimes nice just to have other people to talk with in an office. My last church office situation was three interns together in one office with couches… and we definately spent 2/3 of our time chatting… about serious stuff! Bouncing ideas off of one another, talking about ministry plans, doing some tough theological work… and yes, complaining when the moment called for it. I miss having a couch in my office – but more importantly, I miss having people in my office.

Theologically, I’m very relational. I believe strongly that the Holy Spirit moves through many people and that only in community can we truly discern the Spirit. I believe that God wants us to be in relationship with others and that we cannot do this (the journey of faith) alone.

Now, I do have lots of groups that I connect with. I’m part of a sub-district group of UM pastors who meet once a month. I’m part of a group of young clergy that meets once a month. And I have breakfast every week with another pastor and DCE in town. So that fulfills some of that.

Most days, though, the internet is my connection to others. It is my source for theological discussions and brainstorming. But it’s not always there when I need it, and it can’t go out for a margarita after work. (or during work.)

coffee….


oh… and since i got up early, I made some coffee.

it tastes so good, but in the long run, it’s going to tear my esophoghas in two… i just know it!

I guess you just have to make choices, and this morning, I’m choosing based on my short term sanity vs. long term health. This morning.

crap. I’m procrastinating again.

FF: Vulnerable


From Rev Gals: “I have recently been reading a book entitled Jesus wept, it is all about vulnerability in leadership. The authors speak of how Jesus shared his earthly frustrations and vulnerabilities with a select group of people. To some he was the charismatic leader and teacher, to others words of wisdom were opened and explained and some frustrations shared, to his “inner circle of friends: Peter, James and John, he was most fully himself, and in all of these things he was open to God.

So I bring you this weeks Friday 5:”

1. Is vulnerability something that comes easily to you, or are you a private person?

I find myself in situations where I am the person who listens, rather than talks. But there is also always this desire within me to share my story – our stories are really all that we have to share… but I hesitate to share, however much I want to because of a fear of being pitied. My grandfather passed away when I was in seminary, and because it happened to be over fall break and because of my schedule that semester, I was home for 6 days, and missed no classes. I got back and such a monumental hole was in my life, but no one at school knew what had happened. I didn’t have to ask for class time off, so no professors knew. I had a really hard time sharing that with people because in a sense, it was easier to focus on school.

2.How important is it to keep up a professional persona in work/ ministry?

This is a hard question for me. Mostly because I believe a professional persona in ministry is overrated. And yet I do it anyways. I guess the professional persona I embody is a sense of neutrality, which comes naturally to me because I can see all sides of an issue/problem. If I were more vulnerable, my own positions and horror at the things people say would be much more evident. That may or may not be a good thing.

3. Masks, a form of self protection discuss…

Oh – absolutely self protection. But self-protection isn’t always in our best interest. I think that omission is also a mask. I meet with a local group of clergy and I know that I am by far the most liberal among them and there are often sideways remarks that I usually disagree with, but I let them go, rather than become the target. I go to that group to have colleagues and to be around people who understand what it is to be a minister in our town… it is relaxing and not the place where I want to constantly have to defend myself.

4. Who knows you warts and all?

My husband – hands down. And maybe my very bestest friend. The more I think about these questions the more I think about how much I do keep my guard up, even with the people I love the most. The other person who knows many of my warts is my youngest brother.

5. Share a book, a prayer, a piece of music, a poem or a person that touches the deep place in your soul, and calls you to be who you are most authentically.

Manifesto:
The Mad Farmer Liberation Front

by Wendell Berry

Love the quick profit, the annual raise,
vacation with pay. Want more
of everything ready-made. Be afraid
to know your neighbors and to die.

And you will have a window in your head.
Not even your future will be a mystery
any more. Your mind will be punched in a card
and shut away in a little drawer.

When they want you to buy something
they will call you. When they want you
to die for profit they will let you know.
So, friends, every day do something
that won’t compute. Love the Lord.
Love the world. Work for nothing.
Take all that you have and be poor.
Love someone who does not deserve it.

Denounce the government and embrace
the flag. Hope to live in that free
republic for which it stands.
Give your approval to all you cannot
understand. Praise ignorance, for what man
has not encountered he has not destroyed.

Ask the questions that have no answers.
Invest in the millenium. Plant sequoias.
Say that your main crop is the forest
that you did not plant,
that you will not live to harvest.

Say that the leaves are harvested
when they have rotted into the mold.
Call that profit. Prophesy such returns.
Put your faith in the two inches of humus
that will build under the trees
every thousand years.

Listen to carrion — put your ear
close, and hear the faint chattering
of the songs that are to come.
Expect the end of the world. Laugh.
Laughter is immeasurable. Be joyful
though you have considered all the facts.
So long as women do not go cheap
for power, please women more than men.

Ask yourself: Will this satisfy
a woman satisfied to bear a child?
Will this disturb the sleep
of a woman near to giving birth?

Go with your love to the fields.
Lie down in the shade. Rest your head
in her lap. Swear allegiance
to what is nighest your thoughts.

As soon as the generals and the politicos
can predict the motions of your mind,
lose it. Leave it as a sign
to mark the false trail, the way
you didn’t go.

Be like the fox
who makes more tracks than necessary,
some in the wrong direction.
Practice resurrection.

“Manifesto: The Mad Farmer Liberation Front” from The Country of Marriage, copyright ® 1973 by Wendell Berry,

glued to the tv

so, for the last two weeks I’ve spent time watching the olympics and now I’m glued to the television watching the democratic national convention. This isn’t a pulpit, so i’m going to take the liberty to share some of my political views =)

i was amazed tonight to see Senator Harkin and former Representative Leech from Iowa standing up there together. I grew up in a family that was full of Republicans, it was all I really knew. And they always talked about Leech – how he was the good guy and Harkin was the bad guy (that’s oversimplifying, but when your 12 that’s how you understand it).

Since then, I changed my own views as I grew up and started to think for myself. I came home and didn’t feel like I could really express myself, at least around my family. I’ve been a big fan of Obama since I first began to hear him speak years ago. And I was very excited by his decision to run for president, mostly because of the values that he is talking about as he talks about change: hope – the belief that dreams can come true, that change can really happen; unity – that we have to work together and listen to one another in order to make things happen; and a grassroots sensibility – that it takes all of us, each and every single one of us to be the kind of country that we dream of.

I was so excited to see those two congressmen stand up there and say that this is not a red or blue issue, but a red, white and blue issue – what is best for our country. It has been great to hear all sorts of ordinary people speaking tonight about how they found the ability to dream again, they found hope again, and as a Christian, I don’t believe that hope is a trite thing.

btw… Michelle Obama’s speech was amazing.

officially graduated and stuff…

well, officially, I guess, I’m finished with school. Graduation at Vanderbilt was this friday, but I didn’t head back to Tennessee for the ceremony. I’m not exactly sure why not, other than it was going to be kind of expensive to go. And I knew that this week would be busy with events at the church. And then, lo and behold, I end up having two funerals to do that very same day. So it was good that I was here, but for some reason, as I look over the pictures of my friends and colleagues celebrating, I’m sad.

I’m sad that I didn’t make the effort to go down there for that once in a lifetime opportunity. I’m sad that I missed seeing all of those friends again, because part of me just realized that they are all heading to their respective homes and jobs and they won’t be in Nashville for me to go back to again. I don’t know why – but I guess part of me thought if I don’t see them now, I’ll find another time. But that’s not the case. It just doesn’t work that way.

It’s hard to have closure on graduation and all of that too when I haven’t actually recieved my diploma yet. I don’t know if it got lost in the mail or if there is something wrong, but I never got it after I finished in December. I really need to figure out what happened there (I did move after all). I just don’t feel like i have celebrated the fact that I am finished – but with birthday’s and everyone else’s graduations and mother’s day and memorial day and all of that, I’m feeling like it’s a little late and I should have done something in December…

I guess I’m throwing myself a little pity party right now. I didn’t think I would regret it at all. I thought it was fine. But now my heart is heavy.

being true to your beliefs…

This morning I was approached by a congregation member who wanted to invite me to join him for a gathering of the Methodist Laity Reform Movement. This is a group within our conference that wants to promote a more conservative reading of the social principles but also is looking for more grassroots reform of the whole conference system. There are some things in their agenda and principles I can agree with, but not everything – particularly the views on homosexuality. While I hate to say that is the only issue that would keep me away from it, the fact that half of their “issues” on the website were regarding whether gays and lesbians can be ordained or members or on Supreme Court rulings regarding homosexuality, I have to take a step back.

I have not yet stood up and shared my opinions/beliefs on the subject. I do have a Human Rights Coalition equality sticker in my office and a number of books in my marriage and relationship counseling section – if anyone is interested in looking that would announce where I stand on the issue.

I guess the question I have for other pastors is how do you start to broach the subject? Do you wait until asked specifically, or in the case of this group, should I have said up front that was the reason I wasn’t interested? I did say that there are many reform movements and caucuses in our annual conference and that it wasn’t one I was interested in participating in, but I left it at that.

I want to be true to myself, but I also want to be pastoral and help the congregation wrestle together with this issue. It relates to one of my last posts regarding truth and perception. I have a position on the issues that I can’t impose as fact upon others. I need to listen to them, as much as they need to listen to me. And we all need to open up space for the Holy Spirit to guide us.

And it all has to do with understandings of scripture. Ironically, my mom called me just yesterday. She said that a co-worker knew that I was a pastor and so he came up to her and asked if I had read 1 Timothy 2. She didn’t really know what he was referring to (and didn’t stop to check), but passed along the information to me. One of the reasons that we (or many of us) don’t take verses 11-15 seriously today is because 1) we have been revealed other truths by the Holy Spirit… ie: we have witnessed women’s ability to lead and teach men and 2)we are able to contextualize that passage, look at where and why it was said and we also judge it against other scriptural passages.

So, i guess I’m just waiting to have this conversation and wondering if i should be the one to initiate it.

why “salvaged” faith?

i’ve been struggling lately… deeply deeply struggling with how to be faithful to my experience of God and my experience of the church in the vocational path i’m am currently treading.

3 weeks ago, i was commissioned as a probationary elder in the united methodist church. and i love my tradition. and i feel called by God to be a part of the church and to share the sacraments of God’s love and grace with the world. but i also feel deep within my soul a calling to locate myself, to plant deep roots within a community and live simply. and i can’t for the life of me figure out how to do both of those things. to be an elder in my church is to be itinerant – to move at the decision of the bishop/cabinet and the church.

so, i’m trying to figure out where i stand. i’m trying to pick up the various pieces of my experience of God and my tradition and piece them together in a way that makes sense vocationally. in some ways, i feel as if i am out at sea, abandoned, and need to figure out what to take with me.

but i am also realizing that my vocational struggle has as much to do with insecurity about how my faith and theology will be recieved in the church as anything. can i truly be faithful to who I am within the four walls of a church? I have experienced so far that I can at an extremely unique congregation in nashville – but what if that isn’t always the case? how do i work to create communities such as this?

the american heritage dictionary includes these two definitions for the word salvaged:

tr.v. sal·vaged, sal·vag·ing, sal·vag·es
1) To save from loss or destruction.
2) To save (discarded or damaged material) for further use.

I think in some ways I am trying to do both… I am part of a faith journey and experience that includes many people all over the world. in some ways, what I have been experiencing lately is out of tune with what the tradition or the people around me have been doing, trying, teaching, following, etc. I want to salvage the bits of that faith that are important to carry into a postmodern world and church. I want to make sure that the “stuff” of our experience makes it and can still be of use to people in my generation and beyond.

but this is also about keeping myself from losing something vital to my soul – to share my story in a way that is authentic and real and to get it out there before it slips away. by sharing it, i hope to find people who want to walk this path as well… companions on the journey (which is kind of hokey)… who can help me remember that yes, i am walking in the right direction. this blog is about being real about who I am… the I that i am only recently discovering and remembering and living into.

thomas merton has a quote that reads:

in order to become myself, i must cease to be what i always thought i wanted to be.

for me, this means i have to stop listening to the expectations and voices of the world around me and look really really deep within and find and accept the me that is there. i need to stop trying to be someone i’m not. that’s true relationally, theologically, you name it. so – that’s what i’m doing…