authentic – Page 5 – Salvaged Faith

traveling light?

Posted on June 4, 20112 Comments

My family just got back a few days ago from a trip to the Lake of the Ozarks. It was a Christmas/Anniversary/Birthday gift to our parents from all the kids. We rented a huge house on the water and had four glorious days to spend with one another.

Packing for such an adventure was a different story. Sure there was a full kitchen with appliances – but would they have salt and pepper? Tupperware to store leftovers? Parchment paper for under the oven fries? The absolute best price on steak we had seen for months?

We all threw in what we thought was good and necessary… including the whole watermelon I had left over from a youth event the Wednesday before. And that car was PACKED to the BRIM with our stuff.

Of course, then comes my brothers and sister-in-law. A backpack with some clothes and some sneaks =)

I am procrastinating right now, because what I should be doing is finishing my packing for Annual Conference.

I’ve got the prerequisite clothes, but I must admit I packed an extra outfit or two… it is supposed to be in the 90’s two of our days and we are going to be sitting in a60 degree cool airconditioned hall – it makes it hard to predict what to wear.

I cut down on weight by putting all of my annual conference materials on my kindle… but then I found room to pack some notecards and thank you materials. And a journal for taking notes/putting ammendments.

I need to bring two different knitting projects for the long hours spent sitting.

And walking shoes for walking… and flip flops for hanging out in the sun on breaks.

My laptop for the room.

My camera to document the artwork installation and to add pictures to the online conversation.

Try as I might, I never can seem to pack light for Annual Conference.

the world is my parish

Posted on February 28, 2011Leave a comment

Bishop Trimble recently reminded a group of young clergy that we are not appointed to congregations… we are appointed to communities.

It was something I had not really considered before he made that statement… and it was a refreshing thought.

In many ways, I had assumed that my ministry was both in my church and in the community that surrounds it. That’s kind of the way my missionally-minded brain works.

But since he spoke them out loud, I have really taken his words to heart and have felt emboldened in the work I do “out there.”

If I’m honest, it might be one of my favorite parts of my job.

Way back when… okay, only three or four years ago… wait… holy crap… seven or eight years ago!… I thought I was called to be a deacon. I felt that my ministry was as much about being out in the world as it ever was to be in a congregation. I heard God calling me to be a bridge between the church and the world. And that is the essence of what I understood the ministry of a deacon to be.

But then this little whisper started to tug at my soul. It was the sacraments. The bread and the wine and the water kept speaking to me. And then they took hold. My ministry might include the world… but God was also calling me to use the church as the vehicle of my ministry. God was calling me to break bread as much as he was calling me to break barriers.

Long story short… my journey has come full circle. I am now an ordained elder with sacramental authority AND I get to work in my community. God had a plan long before I could ever see it or understand it.

I’ve blogged before about my outreach and relationship building through funerals and weddings in the larger community. I have been the main organizer around the community worship in the park for the last two years – an amazing opportunity to share in worship with one another AND to share in the one loaf and the one cup.

What I have not done as well in my first three years of ministry was to get involved actively transforming the community. But this year, my work with youth got to me. I realized I had to go deeper to help them. And somehow I’m now on a school improvement advisory committee and hosting an ongoing conversation about how the community can better support and encourage our youth.

This work is so completely different from what I do on a day to day basis in the church. Much of that difference has to do with having the authority of a pastor.

My ministry in my congregation is ministry “with” not ministry “for.” I am not someone who throws around my weight… instead I see my role as empowering my people to do ministry themselves. I would rather work alongside my parishoners than lead them.

But in the community, the role of the pastor takes on a different flavor. As one youth parent said a couple of weeks ago, “When I go to the school office and talk about a problem, it’s more of the same. When Pastor Katie says something, they listen.”

To be honest, that authority scares me a little. But it is also exciting. God has put me in a place where I can speak on behalf of these parents and I have a powerful voice. God has put me in a place where I can make connections between people and provide a literal space for those new relationships. God has put me in a place where I have a real and tangible ability to make a difference.

Tonight, our little community group met again. And while the start of this journey is small and the momentum is slow, I can already sense the possibilities. I am energized by the true and living hope that God is doing something in Marengo. And I pray with thanksgiving that I get to be a part of that work.

its not an 8-5 job…

Posted on February 26, 2011Leave a comment

For the past month and a half… probably actually since before Christmas… my schedule has been chaotic.

You are told things when you start out in ministry about how pastors sometimes work 80+ hour weeks and how you are on-call 24/7 and how your life just might get sucked up into a vortex of ministry.

I didn’t believe it.

Or rather, I was committed to not letting it happen to me.

And I must say that for a full three years, I have done “okay” at keeping my boundaries firm.

I scheduled my day off for Friday so that I would have two full days off in a row. I took time off when I worked too much the previous week. I don’t fret about afternoon naps or mornings sleeping in when meetings are scheduled for the evening. And when the weather is warm, I have a robust desire to spend my free time on the disc golf course or in my garden rather than being cramped up in the office. I get my work done, I spend time with folks, but I make sure to take care of myself, too.

But 2011 has been absolutely nuts.

I realized this morning as I was riding in a car to yet another Saturday church-related function that I had only spent about an hour with my husband the entire week. I realized that it is the fifth Saturday in a row that I have had something going on… between funerals and conference meetings and church retreats. I realized that since I made two hospital visits and worked on the newsletter yesterday that I have not had a day off this week.

What on earth happened?

I think part of the slip in my boundaries has to do with a number of important things going on in the life of the church that I have chosen to prioritize and give extra time to. I also ran into a week with four funerals and was gone for a week and therefore had catch-up work.

But there was another shift in my household that I didn’t quite take note of. My husband started working 8-5, Monday through Friday.

Before this, B had worked with his dad and the time was flexible. The only time I knew he would be working away from home was on Tuesdays… other than that, he would go in on-call and work a lot from home. They fix computers and I am always amazed at the ability to take over a client’s computer and do updates and take care of issues from the comfort of our home.

All of that changed when my father-in-law had a seizure just after the new year.

We don’t know what caused it, but it happened.

And now, he is not allowed to drive, and the two of them have become an inseperable team… heading off to see clients together and working from his dad’s office.

Before this, if I had to work in the evening, I got an afternoon to spend with my husband. Fridays almost always were free for both of us. And even when I got home from meetings, we would stay up late watching movies because we both had the freedom to sleep a bit later.

Now, my husband gets up before me and is out the door before I have a chance to really wake up. My evenings are just about as busy, which is why three nights out of five this week I wasn’t home before 8 or 9 or later… when he was getting ready to settle down and turn in.

It’s easier to say yes to a hospital visit or a meeting on a Friday, because I don’t have anyone at home waiting for me.

There is definately something to be said for having a stay-at-home spouse when you are in ministry. I wonder if others of you who have spouses who work have similiar frustrations. How do you balance out the time with your husband or wife or family when one of the traditional “weekend” days is taken up with work and ministry? How do you find time to spend with one another when weeknight meetings are a regular part of the job?

I have always cherished the flexibility of my schedule. But I’m starting to resent it… a little bit. I miss my husband. I miss my days off. And this chaos has got to get some order put to it.

a strange beauty… #reverb10

Posted on January 15, 2011Leave a comment

A few days ago, I happened to catch an interview with Simone Dinnerstein on NPR. She has come out with an album that is an interpretation of Bach masterpieces for piano called “A Strange Beauty.” The pieces themselves are wondrous and in the interview she talked about how she almost invisions them as jazz compositions. The voices shift, there are notes that speak to her that are not a part of the melody, the little discrepencies that truly make these pieces different.

In the album notes, she quotes the scientist Sir Francis Bacon: “There is no excellent beauty that hath not some strangeness in the proportion.” The most beautiful things are not those that are symmetrical and perfect, but that draw our attention, make us slightly uncomfortable until we settle within it, creates a holy and beautiful disturbance in our souls.

December 8 – Beautifully Different. Think about what makes you different and what you do that lights people up. Reflect on all the things that make you different – you’ll find they’re what make you beautiful. (Author: Karen Walrond)

So what is that about me? What makes me a strange beauty? What are the qualities that stick out like a sore thumb, and yet are the reason people draw close?

It is a hard question to think about. I often want to leave these qualities for someone else to name, but this whole process is about self-reflection, about seeing ourselves the way others see us. So here is a list of what I have come up with:

My eagerness – foolish, naive, excited, passionate, unafraid. I’m willing to dive in, raise my hand, say yes before I have a chance to think about it. Part of this is my youth, but I think my congregation loves it in me because I inspire them to take chances as well.

My shoes – I have always loved shoes. I remember these platform mary janes I had in high school. Now, it is the red flats, the pointy toed, high heeled boots, the slip on suede privos… they share my personality for the day and are a conversation piece.

My inquisitive side – I always have questions. I always want to know more. Maybe this makes me strangely annoying rather than strangely beautiful.

My ability to see gray areas – I find myself straddling the line between positions. I see the pros and cons, but more than that, the passion and emotions with which people make their arguments. I am a peacemaker, a negotiator, and because of this, I almost never have “the answer.” It is not for a lack of confidence in my position, rather my love and passion for the process that has led others to their own.

My voice that developed very late – I was never a good singer growing up. My mom told me once that I was off key as we sang aloud in the car on a trip. I’m not sure I quite got over the sting of that until I was much older… I loved to sing out loud, whether I was good at it or not. In high school I took voice lessons, sang at competition, and never did well. My upper range had not developed and I was a very sad second alto because my very lower range wasn’t the best either. Sometime in college/seminary, I found my voice. This past year, I have sung solos twice in church. I have found a confidence and a passion in my voice I never knew I had. And I think the confidence is what makes my voice beautiful. I’m not afraid for people to hear me sing anymore.

Taking Authority

Posted on January 10, 20112 Comments

In her book Reframing Hope: Vital Ministry in a New Generation, Carol Howard Merritt discusses the “diffusion of authority,” the empowerment of the fringes, and the “celebration of noncelebrity” in her chapter on Redistributing Authority.

As I read those words, I began to feel a strange sense of validation for what I am doing. I have a voice. I have the ability to write. I have a conversation that I want to start. I want to participate. But I don’t want to do it alone.

This whole blogging adventure has been, fundamentally, about maintaining the connections with colleagues and schools of thought that have fed my theological and ecclesiastical development. It is about hanging on tightly to those threads of tradition that have sustained my faith. It is about picking up pieces scrapped by others, deemed unworthy, and trying to figure out what we need to hear about God from them.

And at times, it seems silly.

At times, I find myself floundering around, trying to make sense of the world around me.

At times, I’m wrestling by myself with questions that have no real answers.

At times, I feel a little overwhelmed by the system and all of the things that I am supposed to do, all of the details of ministry.

At times, I really do not have the time to be a part of this kind of time intensive dialogue.

At times, I don’t have the energy to fight the man and to call out the parts of our tradition and practice that trouble me.

And at times, I really really really want to share something and it’s not appropriate to do so yet. Not enough time and space has passed to allow the insights of a particular experience to be shared.

So I give up here and there. I flounder. I don’t claim the authority I do have. I feel that what I’m doing here is not really very important.

But then, today, I find myself surrounded by colleagues in ministry at an orders event and suddenly my name is called out for all to hear. Someone has pointed to my blog as a place where vital theological reflection by United Methodists is being done.

And I feel humbled.

And a little embarassed.

And more than a little encouraged to keep doing what I am doing.

To take authority.

To keep writing.

To keep thinking.

To continue the conversation.

To accept that although I may be a young pastor, a small town pastor, someone on the fringe, someone who hasn’t yet put in my years, that I still have something worthy to say.

To give myself space and permission to keep writing.

Saturday night with the drag queens

Posted on January 5, 2011Leave a comment

Saturday night I had an awesome time helping my super best friend since fourth grade celebrate her impending nuptuials. AKA – Bachelorette Party!!!

If I had been wiser, I would have taken Sunday off as one of my vacation days… but I am saving one for this spring when her wedding actually occurs. As it was, I had to get up early, teach and preach the next morning. Yet I promised her sister when I wrote back to RSVP that I would be there, but that she could count on me for a designated driver.

As it worked out, I didn’t have to drive at all until the very end of the night. We had a blast stopping by the piano lounge, the downtown fieldhouse, and then making a stop at Club Basix. For those who are not familiar, Club Basix is known as a “gay club.” Which was more than obvious when we walked in the door and the drag show started.

Now, if I am being honest, I have been to more than a few drag shows in my day. We had them to raise money for the AIDS project of Central Iowa. We went to them in divinity school (as a lady… it is much more comfortable to dance at the gay clubs – less guys hitting on you all the time!) And now, I can say that I have been to one back home.

As someone leaned over and mentioned soon after it was getting started: Where else can these people go in Cedar Rapids? (more on that thought later)

The show itself had its highs and lows. There was one particular number that I was pretty appalled by… okay – it was raunchy and I had to turn away… but for the most part I enjoyed the experience. I think the best was a rendition of “Bad Romance” by a queen in mismatched pastel boots, gold knickers, a red tutu, rhinestone glasses and a tie-dye shirt… it was ah-mazing.

Later that evening, we were dancing and headed outside for a second for some fresh air. That particular queen was outside also and we struck up a conversation. My friend, Cara, had been called out at the end of the show because of our celebrations and so she was asked about the wedding. As she and I stood there, at one point, Cara replied – and she is marrying me!

It’s true. I am marrying her. Well, I’m doing the marrying. I’m doing the wedding… well, I’m a pastor – that’s what we do! However your phrase it.

So it came out that I was a minister. And not a “get a license over the internet person” who performs weddings for people who frequent establishments like Club Basix. (I was asked that.) But a genuine, ordained, main-line pastor. Out at a gay and lesbian night club at 1:30am on a Saturday night/Sunday morning.

And do you know where the conversation turned? To faith sharing. Our new friend shared with us that she was baptized Methodist. We talked for a bit about the places we came from. I was asked about gay marriage in Iowa and if I could perform those types of ceremonies. And she asked me to pray for her. And I will. I am.

My adventure at Club Basix began with a simple statement – where else can these people go in Cedar Rapids? And it ended with the realization that there are a lot of hurt and broken people in that building. Folks who have been shut out of families. Individuals who feel scared and alone. Friends who have built new families around one another… new communities of support because their churches turned them away.

What better place for a pastor to visit? What an amazing place to be able to talk, for even two minutes in the freezing cold outside, about the love of God? To leave my own comfort zone, to go and be there on their terms, to listen, and to just be Christ’s presence in that moment. There is no place that I would rather have been.

walking on sunshine #reverb10

Posted on January 3, 2011Leave a comment

This prompt is HARD!!! First of all, I took a lot of pictures this year, so that was problem number one not a lot with me in them! Second, there are so many different “mes” I have tried to be this year. But In answer to the prompt:

December 25 – Photo – Sift through all the photos of you from the past year. Choose one that best captures you; either who you are, or who you strive to be. Find the shot of you that is worth a thousand words. Share the image, who shot it, where, and what it best reveals about you. (Author: Tracey Clark)

It is not a flattering picture of myself… but it is me and my husband out on the water, enjoying the sun. I’m sure it is one that we took ourselves by holding out the camera. The sunglasses are on, the tongues are out – a sure sign of a good time and silliness, the air is warm, and we are with family enjoying ourselves.

What I see in this picture is life, energy, and fun.

This is the source of the passion I can bring to my ministry. It is what allows me to recharge my batteries. Whether it is Hawaii with my mom’s family or out on the river or the lake with my husband’s family, disc golfing in the summer… just being outside, enjoying the creation, letting other people take care of you and taking care of others is important.

What I want is for 2011 to have just as many of these kinds of moments, if not more. Times to truly relax and to be myself. Moments to let go and be silly. Days when I am not on call and don’t have to be anywhere… because they make those days when I do have to be there for others so much easier.

My first choice would have to be:

twinkle, twinkle, little star #reverb10

Posted on January 2, 2011Leave a comment

Last night…. well, this morning… I drove home at 3:00am in the morning from a friend’s party. It was about four degrees outside and the sky was absolutley clear. The air was crisp and clean and the stars were so bright and vivid that you felt you could reach out and literally pluck them from the sky. I almost had to pull over the car just to look and gaze upon the sight… but I knew if I stopped at that hour I would most certainly fall asleep!

December 4 – Wonder. How did you cultivate a sense of wonder in your life this year? (Author: Jeffrey Davis)

It has not been difficult in 2010 to really grasp a sense of wonder at this world. Everywhere I look around me I see these miraculous and beatiful signs of God’s power and the beauty of creation.

The other evening we had seven deer in my back yard eating acorns. I stopped at the bathroom window and watched them with amazement for fifteen minutes instead of brushing my teeth.

I was driving to my parents house and I saw a bald eagle soaring through the air and in between the trees. Good thing it was a straight road or I would have driven off it!

My nephew’s little tiny smiles and giggles knock me over flat. My neice’s expressions stop my heart. The things my older nephew comes up with make me want to wrap him up in my arms and never let him go.

The sunset one evening as I walked around the local park was so spectacular that I pulled out my phone and captured it to remmeber forever.

The waves crashing in one after the other on the west side of Oahu absolutely stunned me. The sky was a brilliant blue, the sun was blazing and the white churning sea dazzled. I could have sat there and watched them for hours.

The intense feeling of reconnection and the amazing discovery that I love spending time with my parents as an adult child and a friend.

The warmth of a cat’s body curled up and nestled into yours when you are sick or sleeping, cold or lonely.

The thrill of a storm lurking on the horizon and the shades of gray and green that pass over the sky as the wind picks up and the rain starts to pour and the lightening streaks against the sky

You just have to look.

You only have to pay attention.

There are so many things to wonder at in this world.