authentic – Page 8 – Salvaged Faith

the potential demise of “the beast” and whether or not God cares.

Posted on February 10, 2010Leave a comment

Those of you who know me on facebook or twitter will be aware by now that I was in a car accident on Monday. “The Beast,” as many affectionately call my dad’s car is in a ditch somewhere. While I’ve had my share of bumps and taps in a car while driving (I have both bumped a car in front of me at a stop sign and been bumped from behind at a light… and then there was the whole hitting of the cement pole thing that is a very long story) – and even was in another accident when we hit a deer on the interstate, this accident was very scary.

As I have had to recount the incident dozens of times – both in my own head and to insurance adjustors and to family and friends, I’m not necessarily going to do that again here. In part, because it all happened so quickly… or so slowly… I can’t tell if time was speeding by or slowed down and everything took place in half a second or half a minute. All I know is that I had changed lanes to avoid/give room to a vehicle that lost control and as that vehicle came back into my new lane, I hit the brakes and prayed that we wouldn’t collide.

We did.

As a pastor, I’ve thought about where God has been in all of this. It’s easy to both be absolutely grateful and absolutely pissed off. On the one hand, no one was really hurt in the accident and I am utterly thankful for that. It could have been worse – much worse. On the other hand, it could appear that all of those prayers for safe travel fell on deaf ears. I not only was in an accident, but I also couldn’t make it to my ordination interview. Really, God? Was that a part of your plan?

But then as a person of faith who wrestles with God quite often, I also find myself not wanting to do either of those things. I find myself not really wanting to place God in the situation at all. I chose to drive that day. The other driver also chose to drive. The wind changed directions, the road got icy, stuff happens and we collided. No where in that entire scenario does God have to intervene. There were choices made and actions taken and then there were appropriate consequences.

I guess it’s the battle between free will and determinism that is wrestling inside of me. I read the scriptures that says God knows the number of hairs on my head and that God won’t leave me or forsake me. But does that also mean that I think God will protect me from bad things happening my entire life? Not at all. Do I think that all actions have consequences – good and bad? Sure. Does that mean that God intentionally sends things into our lives to teach us lessons or to punish us? Not really.

I know that my little “adventure” on the interstate nowhere near compares to disasters and tragedies and heartache that others have felt in their lives and that we all will continue to experience in this life. At the root, however, I guess what I’m wrestling with here is a question of theodicy.

And the only answer I can come up with is that God was present in how we chose to respond to the situation. The woman who was in the other car and I sat down at a Perkins Restaurant over a pot of coffee and some pie and we talked. We got to know one another a little better and talked about our families and why we were both on the road that day. We cried together over what had happened. And we knew that despite it all, in spite of being far from home and not knowing what to do next, that we were not alone. We experienced table fellowship and allowed this yucky thing that happened to bring us closer together. We felt hope in the midst of despair.

If that’s not God… then I don’t know what is.

How do you think?

Posted on January 28, 2010Leave a comment

Today on NPR – Talk of the Nation, I heard the story about Temple Grandin, a woman with autism who has transformed how we treat our beef.

Part of the story was about her work and an upcoming biopic on HBO about her life (which makes me really disappointed that we just took HBO off of our programming). But the other part was talking about how she as a woman with autism thinks.

While autism comes in many different forms, she is a very visual person. She thinks not in words or generalites but in specific images. She explained that when someone tells you to think of a church steeple – a typical person would kind of have this sort of vague image in their mind. the essence of a church steeple if you will. She thinks of specific church steeples that she has seen. She thinks in pictures – not essences.

So I got to thinking about how my brain works. How do I think? And the closest that I can come up with is that I think a lot like those “Bing” commercials…. you know the ones where someone mentions a word and there is a lot of random thoughts taking off on that one word? that’s how my brain works. It’s like a tree with branches and an infinite number of possibilities and splits and directions that I can go. One thing leads to another in quick and rapid succession.

How about you? How do you think?

The Most Effective Witness

Posted on January 13, 2010Leave a comment

For the sake of the mission of Jesus Christ in the world and the most effective witness to the Christian gospel and in consideration of your influence as an ordained minister, are you willing to make a complete dedication of yourself to the highest ideals of the Christian life; and to this end will you agree to exercise responsible self-control by personal habits conducive to physical health, intentional intellectual development, fidelity in marriage and celibacy in singleness, integrity in all personal relationships, social responsibility, and growth in grace and the knowledge and love of God?

Above all, this question is about whether I am committed to not only talking the talk, but also walking the walk. In a word, yes!

I must admit there are times when the weight of this task and calling feels very heavy. I am only human, after all, and I am still on this Christian journey, just like the rest of my brothers and sisters in Christ. What I can do, however, is to embody a healthy and constructive lifestyle to the best of my ability and empower the congregation to do so in their on lives. But where I struggle personally, I must not hide my sin, but I must be honest and ask my congregation to join me as I wrestle to be more faithful.

Our world is torn in two by excess and lack of basic necessities. We see it in dietary illnesses like obesity and anorexia, in the sexual scandals of religious leaders and politicians and sports stars, in the consumerism that runs rampant while children are dying for lack of shelter and medicine. And all of these things we hide or we forget as we rush to make sure the bulletins are printed or the ushers are doing their jobs. Our faithfulness as Christians – our dedication to the highest ideals of the Christian life – come not from these menial tasks, but in how we care for our bodies and the bodies of those around us; how we advocate for our own mental health and that of those around us; how we use and not abuse the soil and the water and the air that surrounds us. All of these must have a place not only in my personal life, but in the worship I share with my congregation and in the witness of our church.

Photo by: “clix”

Goodbye Ordination Papers!!!

Posted on January 9, 2010Leave a comment

The past few weeks, really two months, I have been working here and there and everywhere on my ordination papers. And they are finally finished and in the mail system. And it feels like a huge load off of my life.

As I thought about all the work that went into them, all the ways that I have grown and changed in the past three years, I realized that if all of that work is not only for the five people who will read it for my BoOM interview. It is who I am, and how I go about ministry. So I might as well share.

In the next days/weeks, I will be posting some of my answers to the many questions out of the Book of Discipline that we have to answer. Feel free to comment back, challenge me, agree with me, and keep wrestling. Enjoy!

The valley of the shadow of death…

Posted on December 28, 2009Leave a comment

Holy God,

You sure do have a sense of humor.

The week that was supposed to be quiet so that I could procrastinate and finish editing my ordination paperwork has turned into chaos.

This season of birth and life has become a time of remembrance and mourning for many families as they say goodbye to loved ones.

And you bless me with the honor of walking with them through that valley of the shadow of death.

I hold that task sacred and pray that you will help me lead them faithfully… despite my distracted spirit.

On this day when I thought I would have the quiet of a warm office to write in, you have graced me with an elevator that rings constantly at a high pitched frequency… and service calls that need to be made.

When I want to bask in the still, small light of the advent wreath ablaze and the Christ Candle shining brightly in its midst, the wicks seem to have a mind of their own and I’m sure to set off fire alarms with their foot high flames.

The quiet innocence of our children’s pageant on Christmas Eve, turned into a chorus of wild angels as they ran and leaped and jumped and sang all throughout the sanctuary.

The family that I have held so close all of these years now brings tears to my eyes and pain in my heart… and yet you bring me other family members as well, some blood related, others chosen, to see me through the darkness. And you bring my own family closer together as we care for one another’s spirits and try to be honest and faithful.

I am not at all where I want to be emotionally or spiritually right now. And yet, I am constantly reminded that you are right there with me.

And I thank you.

Amen.

the blue couch

Posted on November 18, 20091 Comment

In my last post I mentioned really connecting, even if for a short time, with my host in Indy. And as we talked about some of her decor, we talked about antiques and things passed down, and then she brought up the movie The Red Violin.

I haven’t actually seen it, yet, but she said it’s the story of how this violin traveled through war and love and hat and across continents and the journey that it took. And instantly, I realized that I had found something that I have been looking for a very long time.

There have been lots of times when I have had to share my autobiography in my ordination and educational processes. But I realized to really share that story – not because I had to, but as a means of helping other young women know that they weren’t crazy as they tried to figure this whole ministry and calling thing, I would want to write a book. It would include my vocational journey, my relationship with B, my own self-discoveries – but I never could figure out where to start? How would I do it? I could just start writing – which is kind of where my blog has sprung out of, but it hasn’t had the focus and direction I’ve wanted.

On this trip I also picked up and read (in one short 35 minute sitting) Becca Stevens, Funeral for a Stranger, and marveled at how she used the one experience to talk about so many different things… it was the vehicle for the rest of her tale.

And then I heard about The Red Violin. And I found it. I found what I couldn’t figure out.

Brandon and I have this modern, down, cat-scratched, taped, misshapen, used and abused blue couch. We have dragged it everywhere. We got it for free from a business that was throwing it out and for 8+ years it has journeyed with us. And as I’ve made mistakes and gotten things right and said yes and said no and finally ended up as a minister in Iowa, I’ve dragged that couch along with me.

I have a title. I have an outline. Someday I may sit down and try to actually write the thing.

pastoral discoveries

Posted on October 22, 2009Leave a comment

So – my last post kind of cryptically talked about growing and stretching and being challenged and stressed. As I’m wading around in all of that still, I thought it would be good to talk about some of the things that Im learning about what it means to be a pastor in the midst of it.

1) It’s okay to not answer your phone. At our Healthy Ministerial Relations workshop we talked about boundaries and many people shared that they turn their phone off on their sabbath days. I wouldn’t do that simply because my cell phone is also my personal phone – but I did remember that advice when I recieved five phone calls from church folk on Sunday afternoon. I didn’t have my pastor hat on then – I was being a sister and was helping paint my brother-in-laws new house. So I let the calls go to voice mail. And then I listened to see if they were important. And then I let it wait. When I started my day on Monday – I called each one of them back. And while initially I felt kind of guilty about doing so, it was a reminder that I don’t have to be “on” 24-7.

2) Why do pledge drives/stewardship campaigns have to be in November? With how busy our lives are right now it just seems like one more thing on top of every other thing. I think for the most part we like the connection of offering and thanksgiving and consecration all going together, but there is no time left. We are now talking about pushing all of that back to January. We don’t use our pledges to make our budget anyways because we don’t have enough history with them. What difference would it make if as a congregation we commit to support the church at the end of January instead of the end of November? Plus – it gives us the opportunity to really push our small group study and having a “new year, new finances” kind of focus might work out really well!

3) Rookie mistake – don’t talk to reporters. And especially don’t talk to people when you really don’t have time. As I was finishing up the funeral orders – about 15 minutes before the family was scheduled to arrive – I got a phone call that I really didn’t have time to answer. I told him I didn’t have time to talk, and was trying to show that I had no information that could help him, but in my rush to get on with my business, and because I had no idea what he was talking about I said something that was taken out of context in the article. Note to everyone else: just say no comment. (see also #1 – it’s okay not to answer the phone and screen the calls through voicemail)

4) Your support network keeps you sane… or at least helps you let off steam. Without my best friends and facebook, without my brothers/sisters (in-laws too), and without being honest and vulnerable with my congregation, some of this week might have been unbearable. But because we talked (and typed) and prayed and hugged and watched football, we got through it.

5) You have to keep the joys and thanksgivings at the front. I carried around the pictures of my new nephew and showed him to lots of people this week – it gave me a chance to celebrate in the midst of the stress.

6) Sometimes you can get away with swearing during a sermon. At the funeral this week, the family didn’t want to get up and speak, but had some things that they wanted me to include. And so I said them – and it cut to the heart of who this guy was and everyone understood and I didn’t get any snide looks from anyone who thought it was inappropriate.

7) Once you use powerpoint in a sermon, you may never go back. I preached on the three major atonement theories in worship on Sunday and used visuals/bullet points. I had so many positive comments that now I’m wondering how we can adapt the technology in our worship space to make it easier to continue doing so.

breathe in, breathe out

Posted on October 16, 2009Leave a comment

Photo by: Thomas Boulvin

My life has been a little bit insane lately.

As a pastor, as a wife, as a daughter, as an aunt, as a sister, as a home… well, home-occupier. Every facet of my life has pulled me and stretched me and stressed me out and brought me joy and helped me to grow and made me happy. All in the short two week span between October 1 and October 15.

I’ve met with families of loved ones who have died. I have wrestled with divorce and separation and legal battles in the church and in my family – and the heartache that comes from just wanting to make all of those things better and just wanting people to love one another yet again pr at the very least to stop hurting one another so badly and not being able to do anything.

I’ve waded through mistakes and miscommunications and “I’m sorry”s and “I love you”s and apologies and goal setting and covenants and unworthiness and unconditional love and communion and meetings and singing and laughter and tears and anger and worry and muddy dirt roads and chicken noodle soup and piles of paper and paint stores and hugs and stories and fumbles and touchdowns and …

I’m exhausted. But this afternoon I get to go and meet the newest addition to our family. And tomorrow I get to hang out with my brothers and sister-in-law and dad. and next week, even though our young clergy retreat is postponed – I’m taking a personal day to enjoy all of the blessings that have arrived in the midst of the chaos and to celebrate the clarity of vision that has come through the storms.