cats – Page 2 – Salvaged Faith

one word: lonely #reverb10

Posted on December 15, 20101 Comment

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The only way for your life to be different is if you take a good hard look at it and figure out what exactly needs to change. And my life needs a good hard look right now.

In some ways, I am feeling a little snarky as I write this. I am kind of in an off mood. So this might not be the chipper Katie that you sometimes hear from.

Charged with this task:

December 1 – One Word. Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you? (Author: Gwen Bell)

I have to admit that this has been a really strange year. If I look back on it all and try to capture it in one word – that word would have to be lonely.

I pick that word, because it captures both the way I have felt and the way I didn’t feel.

In the midst of community and people, in the midst of a marriage and a family, in the midst of lots of people and relationships – there have been so many days where I have felt incredibly alone.

Alone because who I am makes me different from other people. As a pastor, I am apart from my congregation. As a woman, I am apart from my male colleauges in ministry. As a young person, I am apart in the midst of gatherings of older folks at meetings. As a person of faith, I am apart when we gather with friends who are not. As someone who is not a mother among family members who have kids and grandkids. And sometimes as the conversation gets rolling, I feel very lonely… even in the midst of community. I long for people like me to talk with. I realize just how alone I am.

At the same time, I have tried in many ways to combat that loneliness. Our young clergy lunches have been a beacon of community and fellowship. My online connections through facebook and twitter and my writing have provided an outlet and a place to find familiar voices. I am learning to find those common places with older folks and men and parishoners and friends that I can hold on to when I start to feel lonely again.

I also have learned in some ways to be okay with the loneliness. Running was an outlet for a while – although the weather is colder and I got lazy and that stopped. Crocheting has become a powerful way to be with myself… something to keep my hands and therefore my mind busy.

I have all of this talk about being lonely and I wonder if anyone out there reading would think that I am single. I am not. I’m married to a wonderful guy – but even in marriage there is loneliness. That is not something I expected. I didn’t expect the days when our schedules didn’t match up and the house was empty. I didn’t expect the days when we were both so busy doing our own thing that we barely talked. We each have our own little corners of the house: his office and for me, well I move around between my office and the couch and whatever other warm little nook seems appealing that day. I didn’t expect that our working lives would be so compartmentalized from one another. And I didn’t expect that we would have no children.

That last one is probably my number one source of loneliness. Just the two of us doesn’t quite seem to be enough for me. I want little laughter rippling through the house. I want teasing and tickling and the grumbles of a child who doesn’t want to eat their peas. I want family gathered around our dining room table. I want stuffed animals lying around that children forgot to put away. I want to be woken up in the morning by kisses and tears. I want to tuck someone into bed at night.

This year I realized that our cats – as much as I love and adore them – cannot replace children in my life. And while Tiki and Turbo provide immense happiness and companionship, they are not mine in the same way.

Not having a family makes me very lonely.

All of that being said – what word would I want to represent the next year of my life?

I cannot make children come into my life. It may not be a reality for next year. But I do want family to take absolute priority. I want to find new ways to be family with congregation members. I want to take my own family more seriously and less for granted. I want to talk with my brothers and sisters more often. I want to spend more afternoons with my mom and dad and in-laws. I want to go on more dates with my husband. I want those relationships to be more important than anything else. I want next year to be about family.

A Mighty Wind

Posted on September 6, 2010Leave a comment

This morning it is windy. And that is an understatement.

Because of the cool weather we have had our windows open and the cats love to sit on the sill, with just the screen between them and the great outdoors. It’s a good view, they can smell everything and their ability to hear the birds is increased ten-fold.

But this morning, the curtains are going everywhere with each gust of wind. The breeze throughout the house moves things off the tables… and I love it. It’s refreshing and cool and crisp and just a perfect morning to sit with some coffee and blog.

My cats are not pleased.

I think I spent about half an hour petting Tiki and reassuring him this morning. We were sitting there in the living room and with every gust of wind, his ears would perk back and he would meow and I think he was a bit overstimulated for a lazy holiday morning. He didn’t know where to look, or what to do, as this is not a typical occurance inside of our home. I’ve noticed that since I left his side, he sits in the middle of the room, far away from the windows on both side. Our other cat… Turbo… the one who likes to sit in the windows the best, has still not made an appearance.

Wind turbines like these have become common over the skies
in Iowa. You can look out and see hundreds turning and know
that the wind is moving… where you would have forgotten it
was moving before.

The blowing of the wind always leads me to ponder the Holy Spirit. She blows where she will, she stirs things up and creates a ruckus, and we are either comforted or agitated by her presence.

When we are ready and receptive to her promptings, it is a refreshing change of pace. I was recently at a training event with some of my leaders and we were exasperated by the lack of movement we had seen with a process we were implementing at church. We felt stuck and yet we were surrounded by people in prayer and song who had been hearing the Spirit’s beckoning. And so got through the morning and sat down for lunch together and over food and breaking of bread, the Holy Spirit showed up. In half an hour, we had completely reinvisioned how we might lead our church through this process and felt energized and moved to go wherever the Spirit sent us. It was mighty.

But when we are not ready for that change, when we are not looking for the Spirit and she shows up… trouble is brewing. We tend to isolate ourselves and run away. We make noises and complaints about how we have never done things that way before. We run around like chickens with our heads cut off and then when its obvious that the changes are here to stay – that the spirit is moving and there is nothing we can do about it, we plop down and give up. We get in the way. We refuse to budge. That is how I responded (for the most part) to my calling. I tried to ignore it. I told myself and others it was never going to happen. I headed off to do something else all together with my life.

But the Spirit will keep blowing. And even when you sit down and cross your arms and your legs and refuse to budge the Spirit will gently nudge you to look around and somehow you’ll realize that you are where the Spirit wanted you to be all along. And maybe at that time you’re just more receptive to seeing it. And you stand up, and she fills you to the brim. And you realize, it was a mighty ride.

Fear of the Unknown

Posted on August 19, 2009Leave a comment

This morning my husband and I were rudely awakened by a very loud rustling and movement zooming into our bedroom. The commotion stopped dead underneath the bed. As I shrieked, sure that some kind of creature the size of a racoon was surely about to attack me, I kind of halfway woke up. And then it was quiet.

A minute or two later, there was a zooming from underneath the bed to behind the bookcase – nothing has ever moved that fast in my life ever… I was a bit terrified.

Then there was nothing.

Two more minutes went by and as my husband assured me it was just the cats fighting, ZOOM! the ball of confusion split out of the bedroom, down the hall, to who knows where.

Our cat Turbo had gotten tangled in a grocery bag after he tried to get the garbage out of it. His midsection had squeezed through the handle, and now he couldn’t get it off – and he was running for his life trying to escape the terrifying rustle of very thin plastic behind him.

The faster he ran, the more noise it made, the more he was scared and the faster he ran.

When we finally tracked him down, we lifted him from behind the tv stand in the basement and pulled the bag from him. And he cowered in fear and trembling.

Now – bear with me a minute – but I wonder if the current health care reform mess isn’t a lot like that bag.

For whatever reason, the cat was curious about the bag – he wanted what was inside. But halfway through the process he got all tangled up in it, and not fully understanding what was happening, he became frightened of it.

As people who live in this country, we too are in this health care bag already. We got the government in the bag to regulate the health care industry, through the FDA, through Medicare for grandma. We got ourselves in the bag through our employeer based insurance, through not taking care of our bodies, through seeking a better quality of life for ourselves and our loved ones. Even those who don’t have health care insurance are in the bag because they find themselves in life or death situations where they have to turn to hospitals and the rest of us pay. Our faith communites are in the bag because we have vital and important words from scriptures about what it means to care for the least of these and whole chapters in the gospels where Jesus goes around healing people without asking for their HMO card.

We’re already in the bag. And the bag isn’t working. It’s tearing, it’s pulling too tightly on some parts of us. It’s broken and our relationship with the bag is broken.

So now the question is how to get out of this mess we are in. How do we make sure that people are taken care of? How do we provide quality affordable care?

So there was an initial rustle of movement – and all hell broke loose. And now we are running around like chickens with our heads cut off (or like cats stuck in a plastic bag) desperately afraid of what might happen, this bag attatched to us transformed into a crazed monster that is about to destroy the world.

Let’s chill out people. Calm down. And let’s gently figure out how to get the cat out of the bag.

An Interview with RevGals

Posted on May 21, 20091 Comment

These questions were posted this week as a part of the Monday Meet-N-Greet. I know – I’m late. Oh well!

1. Where do you blog? Here! and at http://www.kenoticwords.blogspot.com/

2. What are your favorite non-revgal blog pal blogs? United Methodeviations, Bread & Honey

3. What gives you joy? Being on a porch with good friends and family talking about life. Baptizing a child. Singing a favorite hymn. Sleeping next to my husband.

4. What is your favorite sound? My cats purring.

5. What do you hope to hear once you enter the pearly gates? This is a really hard question. In part because I don’t know that the pearly gates is that great of a metaphor for what awaits us. For me, this question is about what would I want to be able to hear that I can’t already hear/know here on earth… I can already hear God saying that I am loved… so I guess I would want to be able to hear all of the intangible things that we can’t understand about one another. I would like to be able to hear a smile.

6. You have up to 15 words, what would you put on your tombstone? She lived her whole life with her whole self and loved everyone she met.

7. Write the first sentence of your own great American novel. Today I planted the very first seed…

8. What color do you prefer your pen? Black

9. What magazines do you subscribe too? None at the moment. But I sometimes buy “Everday Food” and used to get “Utne Reader”

10. What is something you want to achieve in this decade? I want to have a child in this decade (if we are thinking 2000-2010)… and the time is quickly slipping away.

11. Why are you cool? Because I like to wear heels with my jeans, I listen to space rock (Incubus), watch the Daily Show, study the perichoretic nature of God, and because I’m probably the youngest pastor in a 50 mile radius (if not wider) of where I live.

12. What is one of your favorite memories? having my husband wipe away the tears of joy from my eyes with my grandma’s handkerchief during our wedding ceremony.

13. Anything else you’ve always wanted to be asked? What is a metaphor/image for your ministry? Despite being an itinerant United Methodist pastor… my deepest metaphor for ministry is that of a gardener or farmer – putting deep roots into the ground and tending the spot that you are given – taking care of the land and the soil and freely giving the fruits of the labor away to those who need them the most.

FF: My Favorite Things

Posted on February 6, 20094 Comments

From Rev Gals:

In a week of wondering how various things in our family life will unfold, I found myself thinking of the way Maria comforted the Von Trapp children in one of my favorite movies. Frightened by a thunder storm, the children descend upon her, and she sings to them about her favorite things, taking their minds off the storm.

So, let’s encourage ourselves. Share with us five of your favorite things. Use words or pictures, whatever expresses it best.

1. A cat curled up in the crook of my knee. There is nothing better in the world than Tiki or Turbo curled up next to me. The warmth of their bodies, the love and affection, that sense that they just want to be close to you – even though there are countless other places to rest. It is amazing.

2. Fire. Doesn’t matter if its a campfire in the summer or a blazing fireplace in the winter or the flicker of a candle in a dark room. Fire is so alive and powerful and passionate and it dances and warms you to the core.

3. Girl’s Night. In Nashville, Girl’s Night was every Tuesday evening. Drinks, dinner, bitching, joys, loves lost, school stresses, family troubles, new opportunities – there is nothing better than sharing that with people who you feel completely safe with over really really good food and drinks. I especially miss the lemon martinis at cabana and their sweet potato sliders.

4. Wi-Fi. It lets you carry the world with you. Free from wires, you can sit with a hazelnut latte at a coffee shop (or McDonald’s these days) and talk with friends around the world, read some of the greatest thoughts of our generation, know what’s going on in our political and economic landscape, and watch the funniest crap in the world on youtube.

5. Sit-Down Meals. We don’t eat this way very often in my house, but I want to do it more. With no distractions, sit down meals are about family and people and relationships and about the food. They are where we talk about our days and catch up and reflect upon it all. When I have kids, it will be where they have a voice, they have the floor and where we all pay attention and listen to one another.

Start the Fire

Posted on January 19, 2009Leave a comment

So, my great Monday morning sleep in was interrupted by cats behaving terribly… mostly b/c they were hungry. Tiki got taken to the vet to be fixed today, so no food after 6pm last night, and instead of locking him up by himself, we just put the food away. But sometimes that’s the only time when Turbo eats and they were both STARVING. and crazy. and making lots of morning noise. Silly cats.

I had a great meeting with my young adult cell group this afternoon. We talked forever, about everything and I got SO much out of it. It’s strange how much you crave that kind of conversation. Plus the chocolate tort that I got to eat at the end of about hour three was fantastic.

I listened to NPR both on the way out and way back from the meeting. I am so excited about all of the inaugural events and so proud of our country right now. As I listened to Rep. John Lewis share his story and listened to the pastor who will deliver the closing benediction tomorrow, I really got choked up thinking about how monumental tomorrow is.

I am supposed to be leading a small group study – right at the time of the inauguration events – I’m going to try to close early, or invite them to watch with me or something – it’s too important to miss. Even if it’s on my laptop with streaming CNN coverage or something.

Checking the NYT today I saw this great column: an updated version of Billy Joel’s “We Didn’t Start the Fire” that I thought I should share. In high school, we did a Billy Joel show for marching band and this brought back SO many memories.

We Didn’t Start the Fire (2)by Roger Cohen

Bill Clinton, Tina Fey, capitalist China, O.J.,
Asia rising, Facebook, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar

Dick Cheney, Rumsfeld, Ugg boots, Seinfeld
West Bank, Gaza City, Tupac Amaru Shakur

Mohamed Atta, W.M.D., Harry Potter, Reality TV
Tom Cruise, American Beauty, MP3, Oprah Winfrey

Schwarzenegger, YouTube, America’s got organic food
Armstrong, blogosphere, Monica Lewinsky

We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning
We didn’t start the fire
No we didn’t light it
But we tried to fight it

Vlad Putin, Medvedev, Assad, Posh-and-Becks
The West Wing, Y2K, massacre in Falluja

Britney Spears, Spike Lee, Kurt Cobain, Sarkozy
Mia Hamm, Heath Ledger, Viagra, Napster

Lindsay Lohan, skinny jeans, Boston’s got a winning team
Lehman Brothers, A.I.G., subprime, Ponzi scheme

Rwanda, Darfur, Bosnia, and a billion poor,
Tehran, Hezbollah, trouble with the jihadis

We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning
We didn’t start the fire
No we didn’t light it
But we tried to fight it

New Orleans, Bolaño, Sarah Palin no-go
TiVo, Hu Jintao, and the vegan-eco crowd

Tony Blair, Paris Hilton, Princess Di, Bin Laden
Pyongyang, the renditions gang, Roger Clemens in a cloud

ACT UP, Infinite Jest, O.J. Part Two, Johnny Depp
iPhones, Federer, Who Let the Dogs Out?

Halle Berry, cloned Dolly, and another Kennedy
Jon Stewart, American Psycho, tsunami, Danger Mouse

We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning
We didn’t start the fire
No we didn’t light it
But we tried to fight it

Sedaris, Unabomber, Girls Gone Wild, Nasrallah
Jay-Z, Shanghai, shock and awe in Baghdad

Amy Winehouse, Imus, gases of the greenhouse
Kelly Ripa, Maureen Dowd, Ted Williams gone mad

Outsourcing, Mumbai, so many didn’t have to die
David Blaine, human rights, and Napoleon Dynamite

Mandela, Madonna’s ex, abstinence, safe sex
Rabin blown away, what else do I have to say?

We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning
We didn’t start the fire
No we didn’t light it
But we tried to fight it

BlackBerry, global mall, Hillary Clinton standing tall
Tiger Woods, Barry Bonds, MySpace, The Corrections

Rushdie, Starbucks, Channel Tunnel, Spurlock
American Idol, Black Hawk Down, Miracle on the Hudson

Sopranos, Cougars, Da Vinci Code, life on Mars
Saddam hung, Mugabe, traumatic stress, mission creep

Social networks, match.com, iChat, Amazon,
Terror cells, endless war, I can’t take it anymore

We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning
We didn’t start the fire
No we didn’t light it
But we tried to fight it

Hawaii, Kenya, Kansas and Jakarta
Harvard, finding God, social work, Axelrod

Red state, blue state, unity can no longer wait,
A time to reap, a time to sow, we will close Guantánamo

Iowa, Yes We Can, McCain was just an also-ran
I Have a Dream, Bush out, a black man in the White House

We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning
We didn’t start the fire
No we didn’t light it
But we tried to fight it
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning
We didn’t start the fire …

Last-Minute

Posted on January 4, 20092 Comments

Tiki is sitting at the base of my chair, mewing for me to pay attention to him. I reach out and scratch his head and before I know it, he’s up on my desk, watching the candles flicker.

It’s another Saturday night spent working on the sermon for Sunday. I could use New Year’s as an excuse, or the fact that we did the newsletter this week, or even my trip to Des Moines today to hang out with friends from college, but no, Saturday sermons are pretty typical for me.

I’ve always been a procrastinator. The ideas and words seem to flow better when there is a sense of urgency. Yeah, yeah, I know that last minute work often has less proof-reading and editing… but I can’t seem to get myself to focus until I’m down to the wire. It’s my modus operandi. We’ll see if that changes any in this next year.

At least I’m writing at my desk. Normally it’s on the couch in the living room, but I’m trying to use my personal space better this year. So far today, I’ve used my office to work out, practice guitar, blog, and now procrastinate on the sermon writing. Probably more use than it has had in a month. That’s a pretty good start to ’09.

Here is a question for all of you pastors out there. What is the difference between preaching and sermon writing? Are the two ever mutually exclusive for you? And how do you preach a sermon that someone else has written?

I ask mostly because I’m feeling beyond inadequate in my writing tonight. Everything that gets typed gets deleted. I know what I want to say, but I also know of people out there who have put it into much better words than I have at my disposal right now. So maybe this is a question of calling. I feel called to preach, not because I have anything particularly interesting to say, but because I have come to see that I’m a good communicator of God’s Word. Is that because I know how to put the gospel into a form that others can empathize with and understand? Or is it because of years of drama and speech experience? Or am I just procrastinating even more?

FF: Looking Back, Looking Forward

Posted on January 2, 2009Leave a comment

As we look back we may come to understand how God has worked in and through us in joy and saddness. how we have grown against what may seem impossible odds. As we look forward we may do so with expectation, and we may do so with fear and trembling. As we look back and forward in New Years liminality I offer you this simple yet I hope profound Friday Fivein two parts:

First list five things that you remember/treasure from 2008

My very first church
Adding Turbo and Tiki to our family
Worshipping with my new congregation – especially Maundy Thursday and Christmas Eve
Wednesday Night dinners with the family
Learning how to disc golf with some great friends

Then list five things that you are looking forward to in 2009

Becoming healthier (exercising in particular)
Learning to play the guitar
More time spent with my immediate family
Finding my rhythm as a pastor… less trial and error, more consistency
Building stronger ties with other young adult pastors.