church administration – Salvaged Faith

What are you even doing here?

Posted on January 27, 2020Leave a comment

I am exactly nine days into my renewal leave and I had a dream last night about an Administrative Council meeting.

I was back at church with all of those familiar faces, reconnecting and catching up and it was wonderful… only something was terribly wrong.

I wasn’t supposed to be there.

Last night, in reality, there was an Ad Council meeting at church and I didn’t actually go. We have great capable leaders and they are awesome without me.

But in my dream… I was there.

In my dream, I had stopped by for some reason or another. And I kept talking with people. I kept answering questions. And before I knew it, I looked at the clock and it was 10:15 pm!

I remembering a feeling of intense panic. I was on renewal leave. I wasn’t supposed to be there. I was supposed to be home with my spouse and I had completely blown him off. I turned to a colleague who was sitting next to me with terror all over my face. He looked at me, partly with pity and partly with frustration. “What are you even doing here?” he asked.

One of the things that I find incredibly difficult is disconnecting from work. Because I love it. Because I’m good at it. Because it feels good, even when it is stressful, to help other people and make things work the way they should.

So far, I confess, on this renewal leave I have checked my email once.

I was looking quickly for responses to a very last minute proposal I had about changing a meeting date when I returned. I wanted to see what the responses were so I could communicate the date change with my family.

But I also glanced and saw a notification from the hospital about a church member who had been admitted. The feelings of guilt started to creep in. What if they need me? What if no one shows up? What if, heaven forbid, someone dies while I’m gone? I had to pray to God for peace and talk myself down for about an hour. “This is why you left them in the absolutely capable hands of an amazing colleague… Even Jesus took breaks… You are not the be-all and end-all of the care system at that church… Even if you miss a funeral while you are away, that doesn’t mean that you can’t still provide care when you get back...”

But there was also that pesky internal critic: “See, this is why you shouldn’t check your email when you are supposed to be on break. It sets you on a tailspin of wanting to be there and respond and make it all better. And that’s not what this time is about.”

And you know what… that internal critic is right. There do need to be boundaries between my church life and my home life. I need to be able to have some dedicated space carved out for sabbath and family and renewal – not just during these four weeks, but every week. Every day, really.

For years I have had a signature line on my email that reads, “Fridays and Saturdays are my Sabbath days. I look forward to responding when I am back in the office on Monday.”

But in the past year, have I actually stopped checking my email on the weekends? Have I been holding firmly to that boundary?

The week before I left, I sent a pretty important email to my SPRC chair. Before bed, I checked my email, saw he had responded, and shot off a reply.

And immediately I got another back. He said something to the effect of: Are you on call 24/7?

It was a reminder that the expectations I have been putting on myself are not the same as what the congregation actually needs or expects.

Or maybe it should have been heard more like that colleague in my dream, with pity and frustration: “What are you even doing here?”

There have been legitimate emergencies and exceptions in the course of my ministry that have called me away from my Sabbath and home time. The panicked texting of a teenager in the middle of the night who feels unsafe. The early morning trips to the hospital before a surgery to pray. The call on a Saturday afternoon that someone has died. Two entire weeks spent out of state for General Conference.

But an email is not an emergency.

A meeting I am not responsible for is not an excuse for breaking boundaries.

A text or voicemail that can wait until the next day is not a sufficient reason to give up time with friends or family.

And maybe in those spaces and those moments when I am tempted to show up or respond or engage I need to keep that voice in the back of my mind:

“What are you even doing here?“

That voice comes along with other questions like:

Why have you given this energy when it can wait?
Why are you sacrificing this time you have set aside for family?
Is this really about them? Or is it about you and your own need to feel needed?
What are you avoiding by choosing to spend your time this way?
Who else can help/support/respond?

I woke up from that dream with my heart in my throat. I’m anxious that this time of renewal and rejuvenation will simply result in a return to old patterns and behaviors.

I mean, I’ve never been five hours late home, like I was in this dream… but I have spent an entire evening only partially present: checking emails, responding to texts, thinking and pondering something that needed to be done the next day.

And when I’m in that space, the truth is, I’m not really home. Not fully, anyways.

So if nothing else, one of the things I want to carry back into the real world with me is the avoidance of that little voice: “What are you even doing here?”

And I think that I can prevent that question from needing to be asked by utilizing some tools that have been really helpful during this time away. Things like changing my notification settings on my phone so that emails don’t show up during evening hours. Or, putting my phone with my wallet instead of carrying it around all the time. Or removing the Facebook app from my phone. Honestly, its randomly coming across a pastoral care concern or a church polity question on facebook that often prompts me reaching out with an email or a text or response when it could legitimately wait until the next day.

I think remembering that little voice will hold me accountable to my boundaries. I think it will remind me that I don’t have to be “on” 24/7. I think it help me think of those who are impacted by where I choose to spend my energy – for good or for bad. There is a whole lot of truth jam-packed in that little question: “What are you even doing here?”

a day in the life…

Posted on September 21, 2011Leave a comment

7:00am – alarm goes off

8:10am – start thinking about getting out of bed

8:30am – phone conversation with Trustee chairperson about the new shingles for the parsonage roof

8:50am – arrive at church, small talk with folks gathering for the Tuesday morning small group.

9:05am – phone call with Memorial chair about some checks that came in

9:10am – check emails, put checks into envelopes to pay some church bills

9:30am – Tuesday morning small group: food, devotions, prayer, conversation

11:00am – check in with some members of our co-missioned coordinating team to plan event on October 1

11:15am – scripture reading and exploring commentaries to get ready for Sunday

12:00pm – time spent thinking about hymns for Sunday interspersed with facebook (seeing what is going on in colleagues and members lives)

12:15pm – phone call with congregation member about an upcoming wedding

12:50pm – head home for lunch, heat up leftovers and watch an episode or two of Dr. Who

3:30pm – back to church to meet up with a youth… visit with a member and help transport some items being donated to Women at the Well (prison congregation)

4:45pm – conversation on the side of the road to coordinate a visit with some church folk

5:00pm – back home to make dinner: chicken, sauteed musrooms, wild rice

6:45pm – back to church for Lay Leadership meeting

7:10pm – start our meeting with devotions, discuss calling all who serve and changes in our organizational structure

8:10pm – head home. pajamas. computer.

9:30pm – movie with the husband

11:45pm – bed

a church that agrees too often

Posted on August 24, 20111 Comment

After a few years in my congregation, I realized I had a major, however, hidden problem…

My church didn’t know how to disagree.

This may not seem like a problem on the surface. What pastor wouldn’t be thrilled by a church that jumped right on board with their requests and was quick to respond in the affirmative to a query.

The problem is… not all my ideas are that great. And instead of really tackling an issue and building consensus, a quick yes with no discussion was getting us no where. No one gained ownership. The formation of better and stronger ideas through brainstorming was not being accomplished. I learned a quick yes was far worse than a toughly battled over no.

There was an underlying issue that was at the root of this “problem.” A church with a history of conflict was finally in a place of peace. No one wanted to rock the boat. No one wanted to disagree for fear of starting a whole new season of problems. It was easier to say, “okay,” than to step up and take the risk.

A culture of yes, however is just as harmful as a culture of no. I could never be sure if people really agreed with an idea or were just too unsure of themselves to say anything. It is eerie having an administrative board meeting that only takes 15 minutes because everyone votes up the agenda items without discussion.

This past winter, I gathered our leadership together to begin tackling the problem. I wanted to let them know it was okay to disagree. It was okay to have an opinion. This was a safe place to raise questions and bring up different ideas.

So we played a little game: Early Bird vs. Second Mouse.

I had found the game on a site full of ice-breakers, but I knew instantly that it would be helpful. The group was divided into two opposing sides and each was tasked with defending a statement. One half of the room had to prove “The early bird gets the worm” and the other half had to support “The second mouse gets the cheese.”

Each statement has its own merits. And it wasn’t anything that any of our folks would take personally.

First, each group had to discuss amongst itself and figure out why their statement was the best. This took brainstorming, conversation, and creativity.

Second, each group had to figure out how to present their position to the other half of the group and myself, the impartial judge. I was amazed at their energy, their humor, and their abundance of good and thoughtful responses.

At the end, we asked if anyone had been swayed by the other side’s argument. One or two did say that they naturally felt like the other side fit more in line with their own life philosophy, so it was hard to defend their own statement.

It was a good conversation, but then I took it a step deeper. I asked them why they thought we were playing this game. And I asked them to think of the last time they disagreed in a meeting.

In the end, we laid out some ground rules for future conversations and I think we instilled a sense of safety and comfort for some of the hard decisions we would face later in the year.

It was a fun morning of disagreement. And I say that because I firmly believe that conflict is not in and of itself a bad thing.

parsonage inspection

Posted on June 30, 20111 Comment

I am not a housekeeper.

I never have been.

I didn’t learn how to growing up.

I don’t have time to now.

I can do the basics like vacuuming and dusting and countertops and windows.

But to make it a daily/weekly habit is something far beyond my grasp.

It’s not just that I do not have a set routine for doing it… it is that my very being doesn’t work that way =)

So things like parsonage inspections get me all whipped up in a tizzy.

There are very good reasons for having these sorts of things. It is an opportunity for the people who actually own the house to come out and make sure that their property is being taken care of. It is an opportunity to figure out what needs general maintenence and repair (like our roof currently does). It is an opportunity for my husband and I as the residents to point out things that need some attention by physically showing what the problem is.

But at times, it feels like another opportunity for the pastor to be in the fishbowl with all eyes upon me.

I hope that people don’t take it as an opportunity to check out all of our hand me down college furniture.

I hope that people don’t take it as an opportunity to point out all of the yard work that needs to be done (when during VBS week and following a weekend with a wedding am I supposed to find time to weed?)

And what I sincerly hope it is not is an opportunity to critique my housekeeping skills.

You see, I have big dreams. Some day when I pay off my student loans, I’m putting that money towards a montly deep cleaning by a professional.

But today? My husband and I both work. We both have loans. We both enjoy doing things besides housework like disc golf and computers and movies.

We do the best we can for right now with what we’ve got.

The floor doesn’t shine, but it has been swept and swiffered.

The windows haven’t been cleaned inside and out, but a few of them were done properly.

The carpets were vacuumed… although those high traffic areas always look a little dingy no matter how many times we go over them.

In fact… thinking of those high traffic areas got me thinking about the changes I would make to the parsonage if it were my actual house.

I’ve started compiling them as suggestions if changes are ever made and they need input from someone who has actually lived in the space:

Do NOT carpet the bathroom. Our master bath currently has carpet and with the humidity it always seems a little dingy. Bad idea.
Do NOT carpet entryways. The lower level of our house has an entrance from the garage and one that goes to the backyard. No matter the placement of doormats, these are high traffic areas that get a lot of action from shoes that have been outside. I would suggest that at the very least the garage entry way be tile/wood… something easy to sweep and mop so all that dirt doesn’t dig down into the carpet.
update countertops with something that will not soak in stains. Kool-aid and off white laminate countertops make pink countertops. The Mr. Clean Magic Eraser does wonders, but it also kind of takes the finish off. We don’t need granite… but if you have people in a home with children (or messy cooks) something durable and easy to clean is best.

For now, I’m hoping for one part grace, two parts blind eyes, and three measures of hard work to get the needed repairs done. =)

its not an 8-5 job…

Posted on February 26, 2011Leave a comment

For the past month and a half… probably actually since before Christmas… my schedule has been chaotic.

You are told things when you start out in ministry about how pastors sometimes work 80+ hour weeks and how you are on-call 24/7 and how your life just might get sucked up into a vortex of ministry.

I didn’t believe it.

Or rather, I was committed to not letting it happen to me.

And I must say that for a full three years, I have done “okay” at keeping my boundaries firm.

I scheduled my day off for Friday so that I would have two full days off in a row. I took time off when I worked too much the previous week. I don’t fret about afternoon naps or mornings sleeping in when meetings are scheduled for the evening. And when the weather is warm, I have a robust desire to spend my free time on the disc golf course or in my garden rather than being cramped up in the office. I get my work done, I spend time with folks, but I make sure to take care of myself, too.

But 2011 has been absolutely nuts.

I realized this morning as I was riding in a car to yet another Saturday church-related function that I had only spent about an hour with my husband the entire week. I realized that it is the fifth Saturday in a row that I have had something going on… between funerals and conference meetings and church retreats. I realized that since I made two hospital visits and worked on the newsletter yesterday that I have not had a day off this week.

What on earth happened?

I think part of the slip in my boundaries has to do with a number of important things going on in the life of the church that I have chosen to prioritize and give extra time to. I also ran into a week with four funerals and was gone for a week and therefore had catch-up work.

But there was another shift in my household that I didn’t quite take note of. My husband started working 8-5, Monday through Friday.

Before this, B had worked with his dad and the time was flexible. The only time I knew he would be working away from home was on Tuesdays… other than that, he would go in on-call and work a lot from home. They fix computers and I am always amazed at the ability to take over a client’s computer and do updates and take care of issues from the comfort of our home.

All of that changed when my father-in-law had a seizure just after the new year.

We don’t know what caused it, but it happened.

And now, he is not allowed to drive, and the two of them have become an inseperable team… heading off to see clients together and working from his dad’s office.

Before this, if I had to work in the evening, I got an afternoon to spend with my husband. Fridays almost always were free for both of us. And even when I got home from meetings, we would stay up late watching movies because we both had the freedom to sleep a bit later.

Now, my husband gets up before me and is out the door before I have a chance to really wake up. My evenings are just about as busy, which is why three nights out of five this week I wasn’t home before 8 or 9 or later… when he was getting ready to settle down and turn in.

It’s easier to say yes to a hospital visit or a meeting on a Friday, because I don’t have anyone at home waiting for me.

There is definately something to be said for having a stay-at-home spouse when you are in ministry. I wonder if others of you who have spouses who work have similiar frustrations. How do you balance out the time with your husband or wife or family when one of the traditional “weekend” days is taken up with work and ministry? How do you find time to spend with one another when weeknight meetings are a regular part of the job?

I have always cherished the flexibility of my schedule. But I’m starting to resent it… a little bit. I miss my husband. I miss my days off. And this chaos has got to get some order put to it.

Judicial Retention and the Trust Clause of the UMC

Posted on November 4, 20101 Comment

This week in Iowa, three Supreme Court Justices were voted out of office. And I’m a little upset about it.

A huge part of my frustration comes from the fact that they were voted out because of a homophobic reaction to one decision they made during the course of their tenures. In a unanimous ruling by the court, a law that limited marriage between a man and a woman was deemed unconstitutional. The decision itself can be read here. It is extremely well written, and worth the read. One of the first responses our bishop, Bishop Julius C. Trimble, made was that in no way does that decision impact what we do or do not have to do as clergy. We are not being forced to marry those whom our Discipline says we are not allowed to marry. But as far as the state is concerned, as far as the institution that the state is concerned with, the rights should be granted to all.

I realize that folks are of all sorts of different opinion about the issue of same-sex marriage. I respect your beliefs. I hope you will respect mine.

My frustration is with the precedent that this particular retention vote sets for the future of our judiciary. In conversations that I have had with others in the past week, I have become ever more aware of two things.

1) Folks don’t understand the role of the judicial system. There are all sorts of arguments going on saying that a court shouldn’t be making law and shouldn’t be accepting cases of such a highly volitile nature and I have even heard more than once that the courts don’t get to interpret the law – they just need to enforce it. Basic civics lesson – the courts job IS to interpret the law. It is to recieve cases, brought by the people or the state, that bring forth questions of constitutionality. Is a particular law constitutional? The congress can’t decide that, the people can’t decide that, the executive branch can’t decide that… it is the court’s role to interpret the law and hold it against the constitution to deem its worthiness. AND – they issue opinions. That is their role. Their rulings are deemed opinions because they are interpretations in particular times and places. The executive branch enforces the law, the congressional branch makes the law, but the judicial branch interprets. It always has been and always will be its role. The congressional branch is absolutely free to make amendments to the constititution that will then change what that opinion might be in the future… that’s part of the checks and balances system. Instead of being upset with the unanimous decision of the justices, the anger in this case should have been directed towards those who refused to bring an amendment to the table.

2) In a facebook conversation, someone mentioned that folks who voted “no” on retention were afraid to speak up and tell why they did so. “don’t you think the fear of being personally and politically attacked keeps people from having a civilized conversation about this subject or any other for that matter?” I responded, ” ironically, the fear of being personally and politically attacked for an unpopular opinion is exactly why that vote is so damaging to our judiciary system.” The very reason that we moved away from an elected judiciary is so that money could not buy court decisions. The very reason this vote is so troubling is that it will take balls for justices to make unpopular rulings in the future. To always be wondering who you might upset because of your decision takes the unbiased factor out of the judicial system. Now, I’m prone to be naive… but I will admit that there are flaws in the system we have. It was pointed out that each of the justices currently on the court are registered democrats… however, two of those voted out were appointed by a conservative governor. In any case, for the retention vote to be used not as a means of disposing of poor judges, but as a referrendum on one particular issue destroys the objectivity of the court.

Perhaps I am so frustrated by point number two, because I feel like there should be some protections there to enable justices to go against the flow, to rule for what is right and not what is popular, to make a stand for actual justice. I say that because I, myself, like all other pastors, regularly have to make those sorts of decisions.

The very nature of the pastorate means that we have to speak the truth – even when it is not popular. We are called upon to comfort the afflicted… but also to afflict the comfortable. We are called to speak truth to power. We are called to pull at people and challenge them to grow. We are called upon by Christ to turn the values of this world upside down and inside out. And constantly, that means that we are called upon to lift up the concerns of those who have no voice, those who have no power, those who have no hope. The bible tells us to leave our gleanings for the poor and not gather them up for ourselves. The bible tells us to be good to the foreigner in our midst. The bible tells us to forgive, to turn the other cheek, to love our enemies. To preach the gospel often means that we are speaking out on behalf of the minorities in our country. It often means saying unpopular things.

Which is why I am grateful for some protection. If a pastor depended on their popularity to maintain their pulpit – the gospel would never be preached. But in my tradition and in others as well, we have this lovely little thing called the Trust Clause…

Which means… any United Methodist Church belongs to the Church and not the people. Any pastor who serves in said church is accountable to the Church and not the people. That may be a slight oversimplification… but I hope you get the point.

In trust, that said premises shall be used, kept, and maintained as a place of divine worship of the United Methodist ministry and members of The United Methodist Church; subject to the Discipline, usage, and ministerial appointments of said Curch as from time to time authorized and declared by the General Conference and by the annual conference within whose bounds the said premises are situated. This provision is solely for the benefit of the grantee, and the grantor reserves no right or interest in said premises.

John Wesley used something called the “model deed” to protect the security of the places where the Methodists worshipped. It created a sense of conformity… in that those who preached must hold to the doctrines espoused by the church, but it also meant according to one scholor that the preaching houses, “cannot be alienated from their original intent and are not subject to the theological or ecclesiastical fancies of local leadership.”

If you preach against gambling in a community that has just recieved permission to build a new casino – you can’t be kicked out of the church. If you preach tolerance and welcoming of the sojourner in a community frustrated by an influx of migrants – you can’t be kicked out of the church. Just because something is unpopular does not mean that it is grounds for dismissal.

I think part of the reason this retention votes is so disheartening is because I empathize with those who are called sometimes to make unpopular and difficult decisions. I have watched them over the course of this campaign refuse to fight back, refuse to give in, and I have watched them and supporters of the judiciary work to educate the public.

When I am called upon to be prophetic, to speak hard things, it would be easy to argue back when others disagree… but I am inspired by the courage and respect that these three justices in particular showed.

I am lucky enough to be a part of a system that allows me to make tough decisions and I get to keep my job. My heart goes out to those not only for whom that was not the case here in Iowa, but for those across the world who take tough stands every single day and are punished for it, who are ridiculed, who are persecuted, and who die for those decisions. I am more lucky that I realize. And I pray that I might use this gift for good and not squander it.