one word: lonely #reverb10

The only way for your life to be different is if you take a good hard look at it and figure out what exactly needs to change.  And my life needs a good hard look right now.

In some ways, I am feeling a little snarky as I write this.  I am kind of in an off mood.  So this might not be the chipper Katie that you sometimes hear from.

Charged with this task:

December 1 – One Word. Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you? (Author: Gwen Bell)

I have to admit that this has been a really strange year.  If I look back on it all and try to capture it in one word – that word would have to be lonely.

I pick that word, because it captures both the way I have felt and the way I didn’t feel.

In the midst of community and people, in the midst of a marriage and a family, in the midst of lots of people and relationships – there have been so many days where I have felt incredibly alone.

Alone because who I am makes me different from other people.  As a pastor, I am apart from my congregation.  As a woman, I am apart from my male colleauges in ministry.  As a young person, I am apart in the midst of gatherings of older folks at meetings.  As a person of faith, I am apart when we gather with friends who are not. As someone who is not a mother among family members who have kids and grandkids. And sometimes as the conversation gets rolling, I feel very lonely… even in the midst of community.  I long for people like me to talk with.  I realize just how alone I am.
At the same time, I have tried in many ways to combat that loneliness.  Our young clergy lunches have been a beacon of community and fellowship.  My online connections through facebook and twitter and my writing have provided an outlet and a place to find familiar voices. I am learning to find those common places with older folks and men and parishoners and friends that I can hold on to when I start to feel lonely again.
I also have learned in some ways to be okay with the loneliness.  Running was an outlet for a while – although the weather is colder and I got lazy and that stopped.  Crocheting has become a powerful way to be with myself… something to keep my hands and therefore my mind busy.
I have all of this talk about being lonely and I wonder if anyone out there reading would think that I am single.  I am not.  I’m married to a wonderful guy – but even in marriage there is loneliness.  That is not something I expected.  I didn’t expect the days when our schedules didn’t match up and the house was empty.  I didn’t expect the days when we were both so busy doing our own thing that we barely talked.  We each have our own little corners of the house:  his office and for me, well I move around between my office and the couch and whatever other warm little nook seems appealing that day.  I didn’t expect that our working lives would be so compartmentalized from one another.  And I didn’t expect that we would have no children.
That last one is probably my number one source of loneliness.  Just the two of us doesn’t quite seem to be enough for me.  I want little laughter rippling through the house.  I want teasing and tickling and the grumbles of a child who doesn’t want to eat their peas.  I want family gathered around our dining room table.  I want stuffed animals lying around that children forgot to put away.  I want to be woken up in the morning by kisses and tears.  I want to tuck someone into bed at night.
This year I realized that our cats – as much as I love and adore them – cannot replace children in my life.  And while Tiki and Turbo provide immense happiness and companionship, they are not mine in the same way.

Not having a family makes me very lonely.

All of that being said – what word would I want to represent the next year of my life?
I cannot make children come into my life.  It may not be a reality for next year.  But I do want family to take absolute priority.  I want to find new ways to be family with congregation members.  I want to take my own family more seriously and less for granted.  I want to talk with my brothers and sisters more often.  I want to spend more afternoons with my mom and dad and in-laws.  I want to go on more dates with my husband. I want those relationships to be more important than anything else.  I want next year to be about family.

Remembering in Five #reverb10

In a year full of ordinary days and moments and the little things that we do and quickly forget… here is to taking five minutes to capture what we shouldn’t forget.

  • snow disc golf at Lincoln Park in Belle Plaine… we bundled up and had a ton of fun romping in the snow =)  I actually shot pretty good as well!
  • my ordination… that is one thing that I probably couldn’t forget… and I’ve talked about it already in these prompts
  • our family trip to Hawaii – just being there with all of those wonderful people was amazing but there were also a few highlights of this particular trip:  Pearl Harbor with Brandon, spending some time driving on the west coast of the island, the extraordinarily difficult hike up Koko Head Crater, the ways that Brandon and DJ bonded with each other
  • our time at Lake Okoboji… lots of storms, lots of adult beverages, wind, water, and far too much food!!!

Wow – was that really only five minutes?

The time went far more quickly than I would have imagined.  If according to the prompt for today’s reverb10 post:
Imagine you will completely lose your memory of 2010 in five minutes. Set an alarm for five minutes and capture the things you most want to remember about 2010.
There are a lot of things that I didn’t get a chance to write about. So many memories that would have slipped away.  It makes me want to do it over… to try to pack as much in as I possibly can so that I really won’t forget.
Ready: go!
  • snow disc golf
  • my ordination
  • breakfast before my ordination with the Pickens/Liles/Dawsons
  • Hawaii with the Pickens
  • Koko Head Crater
  • Pearl Harbor
  • Lake Okoboji
  • watching my neice and nephews grow up
  • putting my little nephew to sleep
  • learning to crochet
  • making three blankets for the niece and nephews
  • taking my brother to Kansas
  • “come to the table”
  • disc golfing this summer with the guys
  • our wednesday night worship service
  • planning worship with Sean for the order’s gathering
  • going to the Iowa/Penn State game with my dad
  • crock pot pizza
  • awesome carrot cake
  • painting the church fellowship hall and getting to pick all the colors
  • upgrading the church’s technology (new televisions and computer)
  • really diving into Twitter
  • Advent Blog Tour
  • my ordination hot pink and blue monkey
  • Clergy Benefits Conference
  • Roller Derby with Allison
  • our young clergy lunches
  • Ben and Kayla’s wedding (and all that it entailed!)
  • Christmas with the Pickens
  • Thanksgiving with my family and the Dawsons
  • Gma Mardell’s death/funeral

That was a bit more to include… a few more highlights and lowlights of this year.  A whole bunch of things that I had completely forgotten that were a part of this twenty-ten experience for me.  Really important things that I need to keep with me.  Thanks for the opportunity…

maternal longing…

I cannot escape pregnancy these days.
As blogger Traci Bianchi reminds us: The Christmas story is dripping with estrogen.
And not only that… but the Advent story as well.  As we wait for the coming of Christ once again, we are pregnant with hope and anticipation… we hear rumors of wars and feel the earth shaking and everything in turmoil and yet we are reminded in Mark 13:8 that all of these troubles are but the birth pangs of the new creation.
Pregnant, waiting, in pain, fleshy, joyful, anxious.
In our Wednesday evening Advent services we have been using a number of materials from The Work of the People.  The first two video reflections have both reminded us of just how incarnate God became.  As we heard the announcement to Mary of the child in her womb… we watched a woman in delivery, having contractions.  We watched her heavy breathing and her labored movements.  We saw the pained look on her face as the angel’s words came through… “Do not be afraid, Mary.”  “I am your servant” was her response .
I have seen sonogram images of friends who are newly expecting.  I received with immense joy the news that I would get to be an aunt again next summer.  As the holiday season has progressed I have held babies and changed diapers and comforted those who were crying.
And inside of me is stirred up a deep, deep longing.  The longing to be a mother, myself.
Sometimes Advent and Christmas come and go and we don’t feel any different, but I have found this year that my experience of the season has been deep and holy this year.  I have found that this longing to be a mother parallels my waiting for the coming Christ.
Maybe it brings the season into a sharper view, because I feel it so intensely.  So personally.  We’ve been waiting forever for the Messiah to come again and sometimes we let it slip into the background.  We get busy with our day to day lives and figure it will come when it comes.
But when another longing takes hold… we are reminded of what it feels like to truly wait.  To desire something so much. We are reminded that there are some things that we seek so much that it does consume our thoughts… it takes over those day to day activities.  It changes how we see the world.

I see babies everywhere these days.  I cannot help it.  My entire perspective has shifted.  I notice the glow on an expecting mothers face.  I watched those images of the woman in labor and heard the words of the angel speaking to Mary and I began to tear up.

But in the midst of my very personal, very selfish, biological clock going haywire… I also have looked around with eyes that see the pain in this world.  The hurt that so many experience.  And my inward longing has turned outward as I want so much for this whole creation to be set right, to be restored, to be made new.
On Twitter, the hashtag #waiting2010 has helped me to share those longings.  I join others in prayer as we waiting for the day when violence will end and disease will be no more.  We wait for the day when understanding will be the norm and when the Prince of Peace will rule.

My husband is not yet ready for kids.  He may never be. And if I am honest with myself, perhaps I’m not yet ready for the dramatic ways my life will be different when/if we bring someone into this world.  The simple fact is: for us, right now, the answer to the children question is, “no.”  That answer brings me great sadness.

And yet, in this season of longing and emptiness, in this season of waiting… I am turning towards those things that I can say yes to.  I can say yes to hope.  I can say yes to peace.  I can say yes to joy.  I can say yes to love.  I can reach out to others with my life and my actions and give all I have to them.

Maybe God has something in store for us.  Maybe being childless will help me minister in different ways.  Maybe my hopes and longings will be fulfilled.  All I know is that I wait. And I trust that God will be with me.  I am not afraid.

Why I’m not blogging right now…

A)  Life at the church hit the ground running in mid September and hasn’t stopped since then.

B)  When I’m not at church, I’m desperately trying to spend more time with my husband and family.  Sometimes with little success, but I’m trying.

C)  T.V. shows are back on… and I have some crocheting projects that occupy my time while I watch said shows.  It helps me to feel like I’m not completely wasting my time.  As does my ongoing commentary about where God shows up on television shows (see the link on the menu bar “God and TV”).  These crocheting projects will be gifts for my neice and nephews this Christmas.  Some of you have seen me working on these projects at various conferences this year…. little by little, I’ll get there!
This green blanket is for my nephew who just turned one.  It is made from 64 little tiny squares.  I have finished with over 40 of them already and I have started stitching them together.  As you can seek, Tiki likes to help out.
This blanket will be for my nephew who just turned nine.  He is getting to be SO big.  After doing the other two blankets in pieces, I knew I wanted a project that I could crochet without having to put together.  This was the perfect pattern for something simple!
This last blanket is the first one I have finished.  It is for my neice who is in kindergarten.  She loves pink and purple!  This blanket was made in strips that were then stitched together.

Farmer’s Daughter

A couple of weeks ago, I headed on a whirlwhind roadtrip to Kansas with my parents and my little brother.  DJ has just accepted an engineering position way down there, so we went south to check things out.

It has been quite a while since I have been able to spend that much time with those three =)  Our lives have all been busy and we have not taken the time or made the time to be with one another.  I have missed them, terribly.

So, even though a ten hour car ride doesn’t sound that appealing on the surface, knowing that I could spend it with all of them, I begged to come along.

Practically the entire journey, we listened to country music on the radio.  Now, I’m not a huge fan of country.  It just is not my first, or second, or third choice, when it comes to radio stations.  But I’ll listen to it, and I did.  I even sang along on a few songs that I remembered (and others I got to know well).

One of those songs that kept playing on the radio was called “Farmer’s Daughter.”

Now, I have always been a farmer’s daughter.  I grew up on a little farm – complete with corn and beans and goats at one point.  I have baled hay and have driven the combine.  I must admit that I was usually curled up inside with a book than outside doing chores – my brothers helped out a whole lot more on the farm than I ever did, or was asked to do.  But that connection with the land, with family, with mud and dirt, with a pair of jeans and the sweat of a brow is in my veins.
It’s one of the reasons that I felt so called to return to Iowa to be in ministry.  My roots are here.  I couldn’t be who I am anywhere else.

I was reminded of that again this past weekend.

My dad called me up and needed some help in the fields.  Both of my brothers were unavailable (and now live much farther away) and he needed someone to drive the truck so that he could leave the tractor at the field.  I grabbed a bag of things to knit, headed over the dusty roads to the farm and did what I could.  I drove that huge truck with the wagon behind it and followed him in the tractor to the fields where he would be combining beans.  I helped unhitch everything.  And while he climbed in the cab and kept harvesting, I pulled out my crochet hook and got to work.
It didn’t last very long, though.  I felt like I wasn’t being helpful, so as he came around on the next pass, I climbed up into the cab with him.
He moved over the little he could, and I sat there on the edge of the seat, the other half of my butt pressed up against the door, and we rode together in the combine.
It was dusty, and hot (80 on a Sunday in October!), and we both had sweat pouring off of us – but we had a blast talking.  We followed the curve of the hills and he expertly maneuvered around the edge of the fields.  We even averted a minor catastrophe when a huge hunk of driftwood got caught in the head.  At first, we thought it was only a small chunk of wood and pulled it out.  I had to move some levers from above, while my dad was on his back underneath the head trying to put it manually back into gear after it stuck.  I thought for sure when he climbed underneath with a crow bar and a pair of pliers that I was going to do something wrong and chop his hand off – but we managed. The gears still refused to turn, and then he found the problem was really a two foot log that was stuck inside.

I heard stories of him growing up.  We talked about our work.  We discussed hopes and dreams.

And when quitting time came, I hooked up the truck to the wagon to pull it back home.  And failed miserably to get the wagon full of beans to make it up the hill.  The ground was so dry and dusty and powdery that the wheels simply spun.  While I thought I might have just been a failure at driving the truck, we figured out that the four wheel drive was just failing to engage.

My dad works his butt off each and every day.  He gives his all at work and then comes home with little sleep and does it again in the fields. While sometimes I’m frustrated with him for doing too much, and working too hard, and not taking care of himself… I’m proud to be a farmer’s daughter.

Baby Showers?

This week’s Friday Five from RevGals almost has me down in the dumps.  You see, my husband and I are undecided about whether or not to have kids.  Or rather, we are each decided, just in different directions.  And it seems like EVERYONE I know is having a baby or has just had a baby and it’s making me a little bit crazy. I see pregnant people everywhere and I keep having dreams about pregnancy and babies and I’m not quite sure what to do about it, except to sit back and wait.

So, while I’m waiting, I’m going to do the Friday Five…

I hope you’ll participate in telling about your likes and dislikes about baby showers for you and for others.
1. What were baby showers like for you and your friends in the past?

None of my best friends have had babies yet!  Which is kind of interesting.  All six of us graduated high school in 2000 and none of us have kids.  Although many of us want them and are secretly dying inside.  I have however been to many baby showers for family members.  They usually consist of cute little games, cute little things to eat, lots of pastel colors everywhere, and gifts – lots of gifts.

2. Did you play games? What kinds?
Most of them consist of guessing the date and time of birth, guessing the weight, giving advice to moms, etc.  I have thrown a baby shower – and we played this awesome game where we melted candy bars inside of diapers and then you had to go around and taste each one and guess what kind of treat it was.  It was really gross – and a lot of fun.  We had a co-ed party for that one and the guys kind of liked the game. 

We also played a version of “apples to apples” where we used only the adjective cards.  We wrote down things you have around babies, like cribs, spit-up, diapers, crying and then everyone had to put in an adjective card.  The new mom got to pick the best one each time.  Which worked really well – except you might want to sort through your adjectives first… some of them are NOT appropriate when thinking about healthy little bundles of joy.

3. In your job, especially if you are a pastor, do you get invited to a lot of baby showers? What do you do about them?

Haven’t been invited to any yet =(  I think that is a hard thing to say yes to, because often they are on weekends – which is sabbath and family time for me.  I might send a card or something.

4. Are baby showers different for our daughters (or younger friends) than they were for us?

Not quite there yet… I think something that has changed a little bit, however, is that showers get thrown for second and third kids now, too.  My sister-in-law just had her third and we threw her a big party.  In part, it was because for her first two kids, they were far away and so we just didn’t do anything from the family.  There was also a bit of a gap between her other kids and this one and there are so many new and exciting products out there now.  They needed some new things that they just hadn’t kept from the first round of kids.  I heard that for the first baby, you can throw a “shower” and that for the other ones you can have a “sprinkle” – but we just had fun and went all out.

5. Do you like hosting baby showers or do you avoid that responsibility?

I think that it is a lot of fun to host baby showers.  We did a frog theme for the last shower I hosted and it was kind of cute and fun.  I can’t wait for my siblings and my friends to start having kids =)

Bonus: Any silliness about baby showers you wish to contribute.

What?  The dirty diaper game wasn’t enough? =) 

God Loves Sinners

I am a person who does not get lost. Never in my life can I remember a time when I didn’t know where I was or how I was going to get where I needed to go next. I have always been a very spatial person, and so if you give me a map, I can not only find my way somewhere – but on the route, I can tell you alternative directions. I am an EXCELLENT navigator… at least when I can remember my rights from my lefts.

In high school, I was a part of speech and drama and music – which meant we went to many contests at other schools throughout the year. The group was always trying to find their way around the new building and in the first half hour that we had been in the building, I had it all figured out. I knew where to be when, I helped out others who were lost. I never got lost.

The same goes with driving. I like to figure out new ways to get places and sometimes I run into obstacles or dead ends, but that just presents new opportunites to learn about what way not to go next time. When my friend, Stasia, was learning how to drive – her mom would often suggest that I accompany her in the car… and we never got lost as long as we were together. I do not get lost.

I do, however, lose things. Oh boy, do I lose things. This past week, I had to buy a new pair of earbuds – little headphones that fit into your ear canal very comfortable, because I lost the pair I had. And in nearly every single move that I have made in my life – I have lost my car keys. When I moved out of the house I lived in at Simpson College – I literally packed my keys up with my other belongings and sent them home in the truck… two hours later, I realized my keys were back in Cedar Rapids and me and my car were still in Indianola.

And of course… I lost one of my monkeys this morning =)   [Reference to the children’s moment… sent the kids out in the sanctuary to find my lost monkey]

Today, in Luke’s gospel we get to spend some time in the parables of the lost… the lost sheep, the lost coin, and if we kept reading – the lost son… the child who takes his inheritance and runs off, squanders it all and returns home. Now that word, parable, is simply a short brief story that tells us a moral lesson… kind of like the story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree. It doesn’t matter if its true or not – the point is what it teaches us about who we are and how we live.

Luke groups all of these lost parables together, because Jesus has a message for us about who we are and how we are to live.

You see, at the beginning of this chapter, Jesus has sat down for some supper with some quite unsavory characters. He was eating with tax collectors and sinners. Ooooo….

What? Does that not trouble you? The idea that Jesus would sit down with a tax collector? That’s probably because tax collectors today – our friendly and unhelpful IRS agents are not typically people we think of as unsavory. But who would be? Who would be scandalous to eat with here in Marengo?

Perhaps a gathering of area gays and lesbians invited Jesus over for dinner? Or the Muslim community in Cedar Rapids? Or prostitutes from Waterloo? What if Jesus was sitting down to eat with a bunch of liars and adulterers? Or murderers and meth makers?

Would we be upset? Would our feathers be ruffled just a little bit? Would we stop in our tracks and stare?

The Pharisees sure did. They walked by the house where Jesus was having this grand old feast with a bunch of sinners and they started to whisper. They started to grumble. They started to complain… that fellow welcomes sinners! And not only that – he eats with them!!!
Photo by Martin Baldwin
And so loud enough so that they could hear – Jesus begins to tell these stories about the lost. About the shepherd that leaves behind the entire rest of the flock to seek out the one lost sheep. About the woman who burns the oil a single coin was worth in order to seek out the coin that was lost.
And when they find those lost things – Jesus said – there will be great rejoicing… and in the same way God seeks the lost people of this world… and God rejoices when he finds them.
I may not know what it is like to be lost and not know my way home… but I do know what it is like to have lost something. I know the desperation of seeking out that thing that I need – the thing that I love. I know how important it is.
And so in some small way, I can understand what it might be like for God when he seeks out the lost of this world.
What is harder to understand is that I am someone who has been and who probably still is lost. What is harder to accept and acknowledge is that we are sinners, that there are parts of our lives we still hold back from God. We are really good at being oblivious little sheep, wandering away from the flock and not realizing it.
Whether it is a habit of telling lies, or the anger you harbor in your heart. Whether it is simply the fact that you like spending more time playing football than thinking about your faith journey. Whether it is the way that you use and abuse the gifts of God’s creation, or the prideful idea you have stuck in your head that you can do it yourself and you don’t need God’s help… We are all sinners who have fallen short of the glory of God.
That is an ugly fact about each and every single one of us. As much as we might try to white wash it and pretend its not so – at the very least, let us take comfort in the fact that we are all sinners. We are in this together. We have all fallen short of the glory of God.
That is what Paul reminds his young friend Timothy in our first reading from today. Paul – that great pioneer of the faith – proclaims out loud for all to hear that he was a blasphemer, a persecuter, and a man of violence – a man who loved to do violence for violence sake… a torturer. I am the foremost of sinners, Paul says. Note, he doesn’t say – I was the foremost of sinners… but I am the foremost of sinners. It is like how addicts are taught to think of their addictions not in the past tense, but in the present tense… I am an alcoholic. I am a chocoholic.  I am a sinner. I will always live my life with the temptation to sin at my doorstep. I am a sinner.
And not only that, Paul says, but I am the foremost of sinners. I’m the worst one out there, because I killed people who followed Jesus and I liked it. I took pride in it. I was the best at what I did. And yet… And yet… God chose ME to serve his church.

God sought me, the foremost of sinners out, because God seeks the lost. Jesus came to save sinners. God came to save me, and God came to save you.

Can I hear an Amen!
There is one last piece of this story that I think we need to remember… a man named Rodger Nishioka tells the story of a time he was a part of an ecumenical team in Alaska: Presbyterians working alongside Russian Orthodox. In the course of their work, he had referred to this so familiar “Parable of the Lost Sheep” with some of the RO folks when someone interrupted him and asked him which parable he meant.
For a moment there, I can imagine Mr. Nishioka thought these Russian Orthodox folks didn’t know their bibles very well. And so he summarized the story about the shepherd looking for the one sheep that had gone missing from the flock of 100. The Russian Orthodox priest looked at him and said, “Oh! You mean the Parable of the incomplete flock.”
In the eyes of that tradition, God was concerned about the one sheep that went missing, because without that one sheep – the 100 would not be complete. God desires all of his children to come home… and the family is only complete when each and every single one of us is sought out.
Many of you know that my family is incomplete right now – that there is division on my dad’s side of the family that I have no idea how to reconcile. And it hurts. I know that many of you have experienced this kind of separation and pain in your lives, too. To be incomplete as a family is an ugly and bitter thing…
But if we remember from last week, God desires us to move beyond our immediate families and to follow him. To follow him in seeking out our brothers and sisters in this world who are lost. To follow him in his diligent search to find them and tell them how much they are loved.
Our family is incomplete without the rest of our brothers and sisters. The family of God is incomplete without the folks from the county jail, and without those prostitutes in Waterloo, and without our gay and lesbian brothers and sisters, and without our Jewish and Muslim and Buddhist brothers and sisters.

Our family is incomplete as long as we hold those people at a distance who we believe are unworthy, or unfaithful, or uninterested. Our family is incomplete if we act in hatred and anger towards our brothers and sisters. Our family is incomplete if we are unwilling to sit down and have a meal with one another.

As much hatred and anger and division is in the world… we know that God seeks out his children. And I know we are called to seek out our brothers and sisters in love and in respect. Let us be found by the Lord our shepherd… and let us go with him to all the world.

Amen.

Peace without Surrender

I was driving around this afternoon and caught a segment from BBC World News on the radio.  It was a story about how the peace talks between Israel and Palestine are being percieved in Israel itself.  One of the men being interviewed said very adamantly – I want peace, but I don’t want to surrender.

I kept listening to him say those words and found myself so frustrated by this attitude that says the only peace that is acceptable is the one that comes on my terms.

This week, our gospel lesson from Luke in the lectionary teaches us that we can’t have it both ways.  We can’t hang on to our own desires and hopes and dreams and things and also follow Christ.  We can’t have the peace that passes all understanding unless we are willing to surrender it all.

The truth is, most of the time, we think we don’t have what it takes.  Our families are too important to us. Our jobs and that sense of security is too important.  We aren’t willing to put it all on the line and so, the irony is that we do surrender – but to the wrong things.  We surrender to the idea that we will fail.  We surrender to the pressure of family values.  We surrender to patriotism and nationalism and consumerism.  We surrender thinking that we will keep our lives… but in the end, we will do nothing but lose it all.
Christ turns our whole lives upside down.  To save your life, you must lose it. To be exaulted, you must be humbled. To be first, you must be last.
No where in the gospel does it say that if you go to church on Sundays and the rest of the week work really hard at your job and raise a good family then someday after you die you’ll go to this happy and wonderful place called Heaven. I wish it did, but it simply doesn’t.
No, the gospel tells us that we must hate our parents and our spouses and children and put it all on the line and bear our crosses – and then we will be his disciples.
I have to admit, I’ve never been a person to think too intently about what waits us after this life.  I’m not the type of Christian who has her heart set on heaven.  I don’t care that much about blissful and peaceful eternity.  What I want is for the sick to be healed.  I want the poor to be lifted up.  I want the oppressed to go free. I want to experience Emmanuel – God-with-us – to be in the presence of God and to know that all things are well.
Those are the words and the promises that I find in scripture.  I believe in the God that will set all things right… and that includes my sorry-ass. And I think if I got to experience that for even a moment – that would be enough. I have to trust that if God says – turn it all over to me and I will make something beautiful of your life – that God means what she says.  Lay it all on the line…
Maybe the tricky part is that line.  You see, we draw our lines in very different places than Jesus would draw lines.  We draw lines around our family and say – I’m not willing to sacrifice this.  Or we draw lines around our jobs – and will sacrifice it all for the next paycheck.  We draw lines in the sand and say that this particular issue – whether it’s abortion or animal rights or Islamic religious centers or the creation of a Palestinian state – is the most important thing and that we will never give up until we have gotten our way and if you stand outside of that line then you are the enemy.  We refuse to surrender.  We refuse to give in.  And in the end, I think we loose it all.
Because you know what – Christ draws a line.  He doesn’t draw it around our houses or cars or children or institutions or issues – but he draws it right down the center of our lives.  And Jesus says, leave it all, come and follow me.
So I’m turning my life over.  I’m surrendering all of those things that I think I want and that this world tells me are so important. Here it is, Lord. Here I am, Lord. Use me to feed the hungry.  Use me to heal the sick.  Use me to lift up the brokenhearted.  Use me to speak the truth in love to those who preach lies.  Use me to stand with the oppressed.  Use me to say “no” to a world obsessed with more. And if by chance the world turns against me – so be it.