family – Page 9 – Salvaged Faith

Saturday night with the drag queens

Posted on January 5, 2011Leave a comment

Saturday night I had an awesome time helping my super best friend since fourth grade celebrate her impending nuptuials. AKA – Bachelorette Party!!!

If I had been wiser, I would have taken Sunday off as one of my vacation days… but I am saving one for this spring when her wedding actually occurs. As it was, I had to get up early, teach and preach the next morning. Yet I promised her sister when I wrote back to RSVP that I would be there, but that she could count on me for a designated driver.

As it worked out, I didn’t have to drive at all until the very end of the night. We had a blast stopping by the piano lounge, the downtown fieldhouse, and then making a stop at Club Basix. For those who are not familiar, Club Basix is known as a “gay club.” Which was more than obvious when we walked in the door and the drag show started.

Now, if I am being honest, I have been to more than a few drag shows in my day. We had them to raise money for the AIDS project of Central Iowa. We went to them in divinity school (as a lady… it is much more comfortable to dance at the gay clubs – less guys hitting on you all the time!) And now, I can say that I have been to one back home.

As someone leaned over and mentioned soon after it was getting started: Where else can these people go in Cedar Rapids? (more on that thought later)

The show itself had its highs and lows. There was one particular number that I was pretty appalled by… okay – it was raunchy and I had to turn away… but for the most part I enjoyed the experience. I think the best was a rendition of “Bad Romance” by a queen in mismatched pastel boots, gold knickers, a red tutu, rhinestone glasses and a tie-dye shirt… it was ah-mazing.

Later that evening, we were dancing and headed outside for a second for some fresh air. That particular queen was outside also and we struck up a conversation. My friend, Cara, had been called out at the end of the show because of our celebrations and so she was asked about the wedding. As she and I stood there, at one point, Cara replied – and she is marrying me!

It’s true. I am marrying her. Well, I’m doing the marrying. I’m doing the wedding… well, I’m a pastor – that’s what we do! However your phrase it.

So it came out that I was a minister. And not a “get a license over the internet person” who performs weddings for people who frequent establishments like Club Basix. (I was asked that.) But a genuine, ordained, main-line pastor. Out at a gay and lesbian night club at 1:30am on a Saturday night/Sunday morning.

And do you know where the conversation turned? To faith sharing. Our new friend shared with us that she was baptized Methodist. We talked for a bit about the places we came from. I was asked about gay marriage in Iowa and if I could perform those types of ceremonies. And she asked me to pray for her. And I will. I am.

My adventure at Club Basix began with a simple statement – where else can these people go in Cedar Rapids? And it ended with the realization that there are a lot of hurt and broken people in that building. Folks who have been shut out of families. Individuals who feel scared and alone. Friends who have built new families around one another… new communities of support because their churches turned them away.

What better place for a pastor to visit? What an amazing place to be able to talk, for even two minutes in the freezing cold outside, about the love of God? To leave my own comfort zone, to go and be there on their terms, to listen, and to just be Christ’s presence in that moment. There is no place that I would rather have been.

so long, farewell, auf wiedersehen… #reverb10

Posted on January 4, 2011Leave a comment

As a pastor, funerals are a part of my life. I help families and friends say good bye to loved ones all the time. This year, I also acted in some ways as a family chaplain and buried two people in my husband’s family. We really do have an important gap in the family Christmas now that his great-grandmother is gone. She was a tiny, tiny woman with an opinion as big as Texas. She let you know what she was thinking, all the time. She was ninety-nine years old and hospice care was such a blessing for her – pampering her and comforting her in those last couple of weeks of her life. We let go of her peacefully and with little pain in our hearts.

December 5 – Let Go. What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why?

In my pastoral life this year, however, it was not the deaths, but the goodbyes that impacted me the most. One good-bye in particular…

Photo by: Margan Zajdowicz

This summer, a stalwart of our congregation moved south to be with family. Wilda was always at the church. Always. She’d be tidying something up, folding bulletins, moving things around, making sure things were just right. She has a great little laugh and everyone always says she must be on roller skates – she’s able to get around to so many things in so little time.

While there are a few others who have that same kind of commitment to the congregation, losing any one of them leaves a gap in what we are able to accomplish. They often say that 10% of the people do 90% of the work… well, I know that is true and when you are a church as small as we are – those 10% are vital!!!

We get lovely calls from Wilda and her life is warm and good down south with her family. But we do miss her colloquialisms, like ” in a coon’s age.” And we miss her morning glory muffins and her peanut butter pie. And the youth group misses her sliced apples (they really are just sliced apples… but I never seem to have the time to get the whole big bowl of them ready).

This congregation has become a family to me, and anytime we say goodbye to someone, there is a small bit of pain and longing. But it was our time to let go of her and let her retire and be among her family and watch her grandkids and great-grandkids grow up.

walking on sunshine #reverb10

Posted on January 3, 2011Leave a comment

This prompt is HARD!!! First of all, I took a lot of pictures this year, so that was problem number one not a lot with me in them! Second, there are so many different “mes” I have tried to be this year. But In answer to the prompt:

December 25 – Photo – Sift through all the photos of you from the past year. Choose one that best captures you; either who you are, or who you strive to be. Find the shot of you that is worth a thousand words. Share the image, who shot it, where, and what it best reveals about you. (Author: Tracey Clark)

It is not a flattering picture of myself… but it is me and my husband out on the water, enjoying the sun. I’m sure it is one that we took ourselves by holding out the camera. The sunglasses are on, the tongues are out – a sure sign of a good time and silliness, the air is warm, and we are with family enjoying ourselves.

What I see in this picture is life, energy, and fun.

This is the source of the passion I can bring to my ministry. It is what allows me to recharge my batteries. Whether it is Hawaii with my mom’s family or out on the river or the lake with my husband’s family, disc golfing in the summer… just being outside, enjoying the creation, letting other people take care of you and taking care of others is important.

What I want is for 2011 to have just as many of these kinds of moments, if not more. Times to truly relax and to be myself. Moments to let go and be silly. Days when I am not on call and don’t have to be anywhere… because they make those days when I do have to be there for others so much easier.

My first choice would have to be:

twinkle, twinkle, little star #reverb10

Posted on January 2, 2011Leave a comment

Last night…. well, this morning… I drove home at 3:00am in the morning from a friend’s party. It was about four degrees outside and the sky was absolutley clear. The air was crisp and clean and the stars were so bright and vivid that you felt you could reach out and literally pluck them from the sky. I almost had to pull over the car just to look and gaze upon the sight… but I knew if I stopped at that hour I would most certainly fall asleep!

December 4 – Wonder. How did you cultivate a sense of wonder in your life this year? (Author: Jeffrey Davis)

It has not been difficult in 2010 to really grasp a sense of wonder at this world. Everywhere I look around me I see these miraculous and beatiful signs of God’s power and the beauty of creation.

The other evening we had seven deer in my back yard eating acorns. I stopped at the bathroom window and watched them with amazement for fifteen minutes instead of brushing my teeth.

I was driving to my parents house and I saw a bald eagle soaring through the air and in between the trees. Good thing it was a straight road or I would have driven off it!

My nephew’s little tiny smiles and giggles knock me over flat. My neice’s expressions stop my heart. The things my older nephew comes up with make me want to wrap him up in my arms and never let him go.

The sunset one evening as I walked around the local park was so spectacular that I pulled out my phone and captured it to remmeber forever.

The waves crashing in one after the other on the west side of Oahu absolutely stunned me. The sky was a brilliant blue, the sun was blazing and the white churning sea dazzled. I could have sat there and watched them for hours.

The intense feeling of reconnection and the amazing discovery that I love spending time with my parents as an adult child and a friend.

The warmth of a cat’s body curled up and nestled into yours when you are sick or sleeping, cold or lonely.

The thrill of a storm lurking on the horizon and the shades of gray and green that pass over the sky as the wind picks up and the rain starts to pour and the lightening streaks against the sky

You just have to look.

You only have to pay attention.

There are so many things to wonder at in this world.

Love… gotta have it!

Posted on December 19, 2010Leave a comment

The Sunday that I traveled up to Cherokee, my nine-year-old cousin Taylor was baptized.

One afternoon, she came home very upset from school.

You see, one of her best friends at school had asked her that day if she had been baptized.

Taylor wasn’t sure, and her little friend responded: If you aren’t baptized, you can’t be a child of God.

When I first heard the story, I remember feeling a flash of horror come over me. Did she really say that? What a terrible and awful thing to say to someone!

And then I started to wonder why exactly that statement was so off-putting to me: If you aren’t baptized, you can’t be a child of God.

Looking deeper, I realized that my understanding of baptism… the Methodist church’s understanding of baptism is very different from the view expressed by that little girl.

You see, in our United Methodist tradition, baptism isn’t a pre-requisite for receiving the love of God… it is a sign, it is a reminder, that we are already loved.

Baptism is acknowledgment of the fact that God’s grace is already active in our lives… it goes before us – before we even know it is there.

Pop quiz time: Who remembers what kind of grace that is? The grace that goes before us?

Prevenient grace – gold star!

As much as that statement about baptism made me quake a little bit – there is also a measure of truth to the statement. In baptism, we do put on Christ, we are clothed in his righteousness, we are adopted in the family so to speak. In our baptism, but also in our confirmation of that faith when we stand before the church and profess what we believe, we are say to God – I accept that you have called me and claimed me. I will live as a child of God with your help.

But what is important to remember is that it all starts with God. And God acts in our lives because we are loved.

Often times, it is hard to see God acting in the world. Sometimes the world is cloudy and dim and life seems bleak. In fact, in our Advent scriptures this morning, we hear words of promise spoken to people who were scared and broken. In the midst of troubled days, God spoke through the prophet Isaiah and offered a sign – a young woman is with child and will bear a son… and his name will be Immanuel.

God with us. Emmanuel.

God acted when He spoke His Word and all creation came into being. God with us, Emmanuel.

God acted when He led Abraham to the promised land. God with us, Emmanuel.

God acted when He saved a baby from the Nile river and led His people out of Egypt. God with us, Emmanuel.

God acted when He anointed a young boy named David as King over the people. God with us, Emmanuel.

God acted when He spoke through the prophets and gave them warnings and signs and promises. God with us, Emmanuel.

And then God acted in the life of a peasant girl from Nazareth. God with us, Emmanuel.
Paul saw these mighty acts of God as he looked back upon the faith he received and he proclaimed that it is through Christ – through the prophecies, through his ancestry, through his birth and life and resurrection – that God has come to be with us. Emmanuel.

He knew that it is only through Christ Jesus that hope, peace, joy and love are truly possible. In Christ we receive this generous gift of life, Paul writes, and we have the urgent task of passing it on to others who will receive it.

We have the obligation… the responsibility… right now… to take this hope, peace, joy and love that is taking root in our hearts… God with us… and to share it with everyone we meet.

And what is it that we proclaim?

God is with us… Emmanuel. And just as he did in the past, God goes before us making a new way.

I think a prime example of that during this Advent season is the vision given to Joseph.

Can you imagine what this man must have been feeling? He is engaged to Mary, looking forward to their marriage, and he comes to find out that she is pregnant.

God did it, she tells him.

Yeah…. Right… Of course he did… Our God goes around impregnating people.

But he loved this young woman.

According to the law, her punishment would have been stoning. But he didn’t even consider it. He didn’t want to make a scene, he didn’t want to humiliate her… and he certainly didn’t want to pretend that another man’s child was his.

He made up his mind to break off the engagement quietly. She wasn’t showing yet – people wouldn’t know that she had cheated on him.

And just when he had finally worked up the courage to do it and layed down to get some rest, an angel appeared to him in his dream.

St. Joseph with Christ Child. Michael D. O’Brien

Do not be afraid, the angel said.

Her child was conceived by God, the angel assured him.

God has done this to save his people… remember the prophets? Remember Isaiah? This is the one that you have been waiting for. This is Emmanuel. This is God, come to be with you.

Do not be afraid to take Mary as your wife.

God acted once again. God intervened and spoke words of comfort and peace.

And Joseph woke up, and took Mary as his wife.

I can actually imagine him running out the door in the middle of the night and heading over to her father’s house. I can see him pounding on the door, begging to see her. I can see them rushing over to the nearest rabbi’s house and waking up the whole household in the process…. Can you marry us tonight?

Because you see, when we realize that God is with us. When we realize that Emmanuel has come to dwell in our lives… we are filled with urgency. Urgency to share that good news with others. Urgency to tell the story. Urgency to obey God’s commands. Urgency to spread hope and peace and joy and love to everyone we meet.

When my cousin Taylor came home from school, believing that she wasn’t a child of God, my uncle sprang into action. He called up the pastor and asked what could be done. And there is no better way to remind us of the way that God loves us – the way that God has already acted in our lives – than to touch these cool waters of baptism.

And so, with our whole family there, that weekend, we surrounded Taylor with our love, reminded her of God’s love for her, and she knew that she was a child of God. She knew that God was with her… Emmanuel.

The only question left for us is who needs to hear those words today? Who needs to know that they too are loved? Where is God already moving and waiting for you to act?

Dead or Alive… #reverb10

Posted on December 18, 20101 Comment

In March of this year, my mom’s whole family traveled to Hawaii together. It’s not the first time we have made the trip and it certainly won’t be the last. It is sort of an extended family reunion that happens every few years – all beginning when I was only five years old!

Our time is spent mainly on the island of Oahu and we have seen quite a bit of that area! Two years ago, however, we learned about a hike we had never attempted before: a trail up the back side of Koko Head Crater.

My brothers and my husband and I were determined that this spring, we were going to do that hike.

December 3 – Moment. Pick one moment during which you felt most alive this year. Describe it in vivid detail (texture, smells, voices, noises, colors). (Author: Ali Edwards)

Now, for a little background information. We had been told that this particular hike was a bit more difficult than some of the other ones we had accomplished – like Diamond Head Crater. But we weren’t quite aware of how much more difficult it actually would be!

Our first problem was that we got on the wrong bus. We could see the crater rising up in the distance ahead of us and knew where we were trying to get (kind of), and thought we knew how to get there. The only problem was, the bus we hopped on didn’t go the direction we thought it was supposed to on that particular day. So we got off at what looked like a close location and decided to hoof it the rest of the way to the park outside the crater.

We dressed appropriately for climbing… tanks and shorts, carrying the only id’s and money we needed in our little camera pouch. My brother had enough foresight to purchase a huge bottle of water. Our tennis shoes were broken in. We were ready.

And so we walked. And walked. And walked. I think we must have covered a good mile and a half before we eventually found our way through the residential neighborhood to the small little park at the base of the crater. And then we had to walk some more to get to the trail. And then, we stopped to look up.

Looming before us was the straightest, steepest path I had ever seen in my life. But it had stairs… how hard could it be?

I think I made it to the first light pole of the 15 that were on the side of the mountain and I wanted to die. My thighs ached. I was breathing hard. My face was flush. Seriously, was I really that out of shape?

I made it two more and thought I might actually die.

I made it to the halfway point and gave up. For about a minute. And then my husband and my brother made me go ahead of them so that they could keep pushing me on and let me set the pace.

We stopped and rested. We breathed in deep. We let the hot sun bake our skin. And we took in the amazing views.

We went a little farther. And then I was certain that death was imminent. There was absolutely no way that I would make it. At step 900 I knew I was toast.

In this time, of course, locals who used this path often went up the trail and back down again. Young people were running it. This one group of teenagers came jogging down, one of them riding on another’s back. Kids were having an easier go of it than I was.

I think the moment of frustration came when we met this 60+ year old guy who did the trail three times a week. There he went trotting his way up the crater… and there he came back down again.

I had to keep going. My sides were aching, my lungs were heaving, but I was going to do it.

And then that moment came when I placed one foot on top of the other and actually made it to the top of the crater.

The view was phenomenal. We could see ocean all around us – Waikiki far off in the distance – the island of Molakai barely on the horizon. The sky was overcast, yet sunlight poured down upon us. The ocean was deep blue and turqouise and capped with these ripples of waves as far as the eye could see.

The air was salty and clean… although that salt smell may have been my sweaty armpits. My face was flush with exhaustion and I’m sure that I was bright red, but there at the top the sun didn’t beat down so hard and the breeze cooled our spirits.

Looking down into the lush crater below were the rich greens of a rainforest and botanical garden – such a stark contrast to the brown, dusty and scraggly trail we had just followed. The waters of Hanauma Bay glistened like diamonds in front of us and just beyond it, we could make out the puffs of air as a group of whales swam by.

The entire world was so small and seemed a lifetime away. It was hard to put into words just how far we had come… how my life had been transformed in moments from near death (at least in my imagination) to this glorious experience of the fullness of life.

I didn’t dare sit down, because I might never have been able to get up again. But I drank in some of that hot and nearly empty water bottle and I stood there taking it all in. I felt like I could accomplish anything… anything except maybe making it back down that trail.

Don’t Try… DO! #reverb10

Posted on December 18, 2010Leave a comment

For me, the word try has some negative connotations. As in – if you are trying to do something, you aren’t really, actually, doing it.
Kaileen Elise challegned us today:

December 18 – Try What do you want to try next year? Is there something you wanted to try in 2010? What happened when you did / didn’t go for it?

My mind is a wash of a lot of things that I want to do, see, learn in the next year. I want to learn how to play the guitar. I want to lose 15 lbs and tone up some muscles and maintain that physique. I want to take writing more seriously. Professionally speaking, I want to empower my laity so that I don’t have to write the agendas for all of our meetings. I want a deeper relationship with God through prayer and stillness. I want to spend more time with my family

But as I think about all of those things, nothing strikes me as something to try at… either I’m going to do them, or I’m not.

So trying… what would I want to try? What would I want to explore? What do I want to collisally fail at? What do I want to take a chance on and see if maybe, possibly, I like it? What kind of one-shot experience do I want for 2011?

I have to admit, I wasn’t feeling very creative when I started thinking about this. In fact, I avoided the prompt all day long hoping for some inspiration. Finally, I got desperate. I googled… don’t laugh… “things to try.”

And I found a bunch of really interesting stuff!!!

First up, 10 frugal things to try before you die. I have to admit – I’ve done a number of these things already. Goodwill and Stuff,Etc. are staples for bargain hunting clothes. I’ve also been dumpster diving before. And I regularly try to salvage the fruits and veggies in my fridge that are going a little south…. maybe that’s not the same thing as “slumming” it… but it’s close! I can sew, knit, and crochet. So I’m doing pretty good on this list. Although, the drip tray pint might be an adventure that I can add to my list?

Next, Things to try at Wal-Mart when you are bored. Self-explanatory. But nothing that I really want to do… maybe if I were ten years younger.

There are a ton of bucket-lists out there, including this one, and this one, and oh yeah, this one.

Some highlights on those – things that actually might be possible for me in the next year:

have your portrait painted… I’ve never done this – not even those cartoon drawings at Adventureland.
run a marathon… How about run a 5k -that’s definately something to add to my list.
make love on the kitchen floor… yep.
make a hole in one… I don’t golf (oh, that’s another one to add to the list) – but I do disc golf and making an ace would be amazing… it’s definately something to try and shoot for!
play a round of golf… see above.
be someone’s mentor… being a young person, that hasn’t really been an opportunity for me yet – except there is this thing called reverse mentoring and a colleage and I are going to do it this next year
visit New York City… definately on my list. In fact, I would like to take a trip to the northeast in general this next year.
go skiing… I have never been snow skiing in my life. That’s a great thing I could try next year.
fly first class… this would definately be fun. something to experience, something I can probably afford to do only once =)
wear more dresses… I love dresses, but finding good ones that are staples for a wardrobe is hard – this might be a fun thing to try!
cook with herbs from my own garden… I have yet to grow herbs and this would be an awesome thing to try for next year!
try to cook a national food… this one inspired me to think about getting the kolach recipe from my recipe box and actually attempting to bake them myself.

Hmm… that’s a pretty good list of things to try! Possible things. Fun things. Some of them easy to accomplish. Some of them that might take some planning.

Is there anything like that from 2010?

Probably hiking up Koko Head Crater. It was something I always wanted to do and I finally did it, barely. That’s something I’ve talked about in a few of these other reverb10 posts.

I sang a solo in church, twice this year, which was quite an accomplishment for me. It was a little scary, but I actually did it! The first time was for a Good Friday Tenebrae service, and the second time I busted out a song as a part of my sermon – a capella!!!

Another big accomplishment for me this year is that I decided to try and make a full scale blanket by crocheting/knitting. It was a huge success and I’m now working on number three!!! A big step up from the scarves – which were my only prior attempts.

Jumping Through Hoops #reverb10

Posted on December 17, 2010Leave a comment

I came late to this Reverb10 party, so I have been trying to do some catch-up on the prompts. And I found myself absolutely stuck. frozen. unable to think or move or do. I was floored by my inability to respond to some of these prompts.

December 17 – Lesson Learned What was the best thing you learned about yourself this past year? And how will you apply that lesson going forward? (Author: Tara Weaver)

The best thing I learned this year has taken me a long time to learn… all the way until this morning in fact. I was sitting here thinking about why this reflection stuff has been so incredibly difficult and I realize it is because I have not really been paying attention to my own life. I learned this morning that I have spent an entire year jumping through hoops.

That doesn’t mean that there weren’t incredibly high and incredibly low moments along the way. It doesn’t mean that I haven’t been engaged in a number of important things. But on a day to day basis, I have let my life go on without giving it much thought. I haven’t taken the time to figure out what is important and so there wasn’t always time for family or friends. I spent many days drifting along doing what I needed to do, instead of taking a hold of my life and really living it.

I did all the things I was supposed to. I did what was asked of me. I did a few things that I wanted to. In fact, I was juggling an awful lot of hoops at various times this year. I was often rushing from this to that with barely time to breath in between… so when I finally did stop, I crashed. In the midst of it all, I took a few chances – and those small moments glimmer in the sea of fuzzy gray that was my life this year.

How did I let this whole year slip away without learning how to play guitar? without painting the walls in my house? without having the long and hard conversation about children with my husband? without finally taking my health seriously and losing some weight? without reading those ten books on the shelf?

I took my life this year day by day. I did what I had to do for the day and put those other things off to another time. And that time never came. I jumped through the hoop and then I turned right back around and jumped through the hoop again. Over and over and over without getting anywhere.

So next year, in 2011, no more hoop jumping. I am taking charge of my life. I’m not going to be afraid. I’m not going to put something off until tomorrow. I’m going to figure out the few things that are really important and make room for them. I’m going to take that hoop and thrown it far ahead – challenge myself, set goals – real goals, and accomplish them.

I’m not going to let another year of my life slip through my fingers.