maternal longing…

I cannot escape pregnancy these days.
As blogger Traci Bianchi reminds us: The Christmas story is dripping with estrogen.
And not only that… but the Advent story as well.  As we wait for the coming of Christ once again, we are pregnant with hope and anticipation… we hear rumors of wars and feel the earth shaking and everything in turmoil and yet we are reminded in Mark 13:8 that all of these troubles are but the birth pangs of the new creation.
Pregnant, waiting, in pain, fleshy, joyful, anxious.
In our Wednesday evening Advent services we have been using a number of materials from The Work of the People.  The first two video reflections have both reminded us of just how incarnate God became.  As we heard the announcement to Mary of the child in her womb… we watched a woman in delivery, having contractions.  We watched her heavy breathing and her labored movements.  We saw the pained look on her face as the angel’s words came through… “Do not be afraid, Mary.”  “I am your servant” was her response .
I have seen sonogram images of friends who are newly expecting.  I received with immense joy the news that I would get to be an aunt again next summer.  As the holiday season has progressed I have held babies and changed diapers and comforted those who were crying.
And inside of me is stirred up a deep, deep longing.  The longing to be a mother, myself.
Sometimes Advent and Christmas come and go and we don’t feel any different, but I have found this year that my experience of the season has been deep and holy this year.  I have found that this longing to be a mother parallels my waiting for the coming Christ.
Maybe it brings the season into a sharper view, because I feel it so intensely.  So personally.  We’ve been waiting forever for the Messiah to come again and sometimes we let it slip into the background.  We get busy with our day to day lives and figure it will come when it comes.
But when another longing takes hold… we are reminded of what it feels like to truly wait.  To desire something so much. We are reminded that there are some things that we seek so much that it does consume our thoughts… it takes over those day to day activities.  It changes how we see the world.

I see babies everywhere these days.  I cannot help it.  My entire perspective has shifted.  I notice the glow on an expecting mothers face.  I watched those images of the woman in labor and heard the words of the angel speaking to Mary and I began to tear up.

But in the midst of my very personal, very selfish, biological clock going haywire… I also have looked around with eyes that see the pain in this world.  The hurt that so many experience.  And my inward longing has turned outward as I want so much for this whole creation to be set right, to be restored, to be made new.
On Twitter, the hashtag #waiting2010 has helped me to share those longings.  I join others in prayer as we waiting for the day when violence will end and disease will be no more.  We wait for the day when understanding will be the norm and when the Prince of Peace will rule.

My husband is not yet ready for kids.  He may never be. And if I am honest with myself, perhaps I’m not yet ready for the dramatic ways my life will be different when/if we bring someone into this world.  The simple fact is: for us, right now, the answer to the children question is, “no.”  That answer brings me great sadness.

And yet, in this season of longing and emptiness, in this season of waiting… I am turning towards those things that I can say yes to.  I can say yes to hope.  I can say yes to peace.  I can say yes to joy.  I can say yes to love.  I can reach out to others with my life and my actions and give all I have to them.

Maybe God has something in store for us.  Maybe being childless will help me minister in different ways.  Maybe my hopes and longings will be fulfilled.  All I know is that I wait. And I trust that God will be with me.  I am not afraid.

Judicial Retention and the Trust Clause of the UMC


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This week in Iowa, three Supreme Court Justices were voted out of office.  And I’m a little upset about it.

A huge part of my frustration comes from the fact that they were voted out because of a homophobic reaction to one decision they made during the course of their tenures.  In a unanimous ruling by the court, a law that limited marriage between a man and a woman was deemed unconstitutional.  The decision itself can be read here.  It is extremely well written, and worth the read. One of the first responses our bishop, Bishop Julius C. Trimble, made was that in no way does that decision impact what we do or do not have to do as clergy.  We are not being forced to marry those whom our Discipline says we are not allowed to marry.  But as far as the state is concerned, as far as the institution that the state is concerned with, the rights should be granted to all.

I realize that folks are of all sorts of different opinion about the issue of same-sex marriage.  I respect your beliefs.  I hope you will respect mine.

My frustration is with the precedent that this particular retention vote sets for the future of our judiciary.  In conversations that I have had with others in the past week, I have become ever more aware of two things.

1) Folks don’t understand the role of the judicial system.  There are all sorts of arguments going on saying that a court shouldn’t be making law and shouldn’t be accepting cases of such a highly volitile nature and I have even heard more than once that the courts don’t get to interpret the law – they just need to enforce it.  Basic civics lesson – the courts job IS to interpret the law.  It is to recieve cases, brought by the people or the state, that bring forth questions of constitutionality.  Is a particular law constitutional?  The congress can’t decide that, the people can’t decide that, the executive branch can’t decide that… it is the court’s role to interpret the law and hold it against the constitution to deem its worthiness.  AND – they issue opinions.  That is their role.  Their rulings are deemed opinions because they are interpretations in particular times and places.   The executive branch enforces the law, the congressional branch makes the law, but the judicial branch interprets.  It always has been and always will be its role.  The congressional branch is absolutely free to make amendments to the constititution that will then change what that opinion might be in the future… that’s part of the checks and balances system.  Instead of being upset with the unanimous decision of the justices, the anger in this case should have been directed towards those who refused to bring an amendment to the table.

2) In a facebook conversation, someone mentioned that folks who voted “no” on retention were afraid to speak up and tell why they did so.  “don’t you think the fear of being personally and politically attacked keeps people from having a civilized conversation about this subject or any other for that matter?”  I responded, ” ironically, the fear of being personally and politically attacked for an unpopular opinion is exactly why that vote is so damaging to our judiciary system.”   The very reason that we moved away from an elected judiciary is so that money could not buy court decisions.  The very reason this vote is so troubling is that it will take balls for justices to make unpopular rulings in the future.  To always be wondering who you might upset because of your decision takes the unbiased factor out of the judicial system.  Now, I’m prone to be naive… but I will admit that there are flaws in the system we have.  It was pointed out that each of the justices currently on the court are registered democrats… however, two of those voted out were appointed by a conservative governor.   In any case, for the retention vote to be used not as a means of disposing of poor judges, but as a referrendum on one particular issue destroys the objectivity of the court.
Perhaps I am so frustrated by point number two, because I feel like there should be some protections there to enable justices to go against the flow, to rule for what is right and not what is popular, to make a stand for actual justice.  I say that because I, myself, like all other pastors, regularly have to make those sorts of decisions.
The very nature of the pastorate means that we have to speak the truth – even when it is not popular.  We are called upon to comfort the afflicted… but also to afflict the comfortable.  We are called to speak truth to power.  We are called to pull at people and challenge them to grow.  We are called upon by Christ to turn the values of this world upside down and inside out.  And constantly, that means that we are called upon to lift up the concerns of those who have no voice, those who have no power, those who have no hope.  The bible tells us to leave our gleanings for the poor and not gather them up for ourselves.  The bible tells us to be good to the foreigner in our midst.  The bible tells us to forgive, to turn the other cheek, to love our enemies.  To preach the gospel often means that we are speaking out on behalf of the minorities in our country.  It often means saying unpopular things.
Which is why I am grateful for some protection.  If a pastor depended on their popularity to maintain their pulpit – the gospel would never be preached.  But in my tradition and in others as well, we have this lovely little thing called the Trust Clause…

 Which means… any United Methodist Church belongs to the Church and not the people.  Any pastor who serves in said church is accountable to the Church and not the people.   That may be a slight oversimplification… but I hope you get the point. 

In trust, that said premises shall be used, kept, and maintained as a place of divine worship of the United Methodist ministry and members of The United Methodist Church; subject to the Discipline, usage, and ministerial appointments of said Curch as from time to time authorized and declared by the General Conference and by the annual conference within whose bounds the said premises are situated.  This provision is solely for the benefit of the grantee, and the grantor reserves no right or interest in said premises.
John Wesley used something called the “model deed” to protect the security of the places where the Methodists worshipped.  It created a sense of conformity… in that those who preached must hold to the doctrines espoused by the church, but it also meant according to one scholor that the preaching houses, “cannot be alienated from their original intent and are not subject to the theological or ecclesiastical fancies of local leadership.” 
If you preach against gambling in a community that has just recieved permission to build a new casino – you can’t be kicked out of the church.  If you preach tolerance and welcoming of the sojourner in a community frustrated by an influx of migrants – you can’t be kicked out of the church. Just because something is unpopular does not mean that it is grounds for dismissal.
I think part of the reason this retention votes is so disheartening is because I empathize with those who are called sometimes to make unpopular and difficult decisions.  I have watched them over the course of this campaign refuse to fight back, refuse to give in, and I have watched them and supporters of the judiciary work to educate the public. 
When I am called upon to be prophetic, to speak hard things, it would be easy to argue back when others disagree… but I am inspired by the courage and respect that these three justices in particular showed. 

I am lucky enough to be a part of a system that allows me to make tough decisions and I get to keep my job.  My heart goes out to those not only for whom that was not the case here in Iowa, but for those across the world who take tough stands every single day and are punished for it, who are ridiculed, who are persecuted, and who die for those decisions.  I am more lucky that I realize.  And I pray that I might use this gift for good and not squander it.

Baby Showers?


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This week’s Friday Five from RevGals almost has me down in the dumps.  You see, my husband and I are undecided about whether or not to have kids.  Or rather, we are each decided, just in different directions.  And it seems like EVERYONE I know is having a baby or has just had a baby and it’s making me a little bit crazy. I see pregnant people everywhere and I keep having dreams about pregnancy and babies and I’m not quite sure what to do about it, except to sit back and wait.

So, while I’m waiting, I’m going to do the Friday Five…

I hope you’ll participate in telling about your likes and dislikes about baby showers for you and for others.
1. What were baby showers like for you and your friends in the past?

None of my best friends have had babies yet!  Which is kind of interesting.  All six of us graduated high school in 2000 and none of us have kids.  Although many of us want them and are secretly dying inside.  I have however been to many baby showers for family members.  They usually consist of cute little games, cute little things to eat, lots of pastel colors everywhere, and gifts – lots of gifts.

2. Did you play games? What kinds?
Most of them consist of guessing the date and time of birth, guessing the weight, giving advice to moms, etc.  I have thrown a baby shower – and we played this awesome game where we melted candy bars inside of diapers and then you had to go around and taste each one and guess what kind of treat it was.  It was really gross – and a lot of fun.  We had a co-ed party for that one and the guys kind of liked the game. 

We also played a version of “apples to apples” where we used only the adjective cards.  We wrote down things you have around babies, like cribs, spit-up, diapers, crying and then everyone had to put in an adjective card.  The new mom got to pick the best one each time.  Which worked really well – except you might want to sort through your adjectives first… some of them are NOT appropriate when thinking about healthy little bundles of joy.

3. In your job, especially if you are a pastor, do you get invited to a lot of baby showers? What do you do about them?

Haven’t been invited to any yet =(  I think that is a hard thing to say yes to, because often they are on weekends – which is sabbath and family time for me.  I might send a card or something.

4. Are baby showers different for our daughters (or younger friends) than they were for us?

Not quite there yet… I think something that has changed a little bit, however, is that showers get thrown for second and third kids now, too.  My sister-in-law just had her third and we threw her a big party.  In part, it was because for her first two kids, they were far away and so we just didn’t do anything from the family.  There was also a bit of a gap between her other kids and this one and there are so many new and exciting products out there now.  They needed some new things that they just hadn’t kept from the first round of kids.  I heard that for the first baby, you can throw a “shower” and that for the other ones you can have a “sprinkle” – but we just had fun and went all out.

5. Do you like hosting baby showers or do you avoid that responsibility?

I think that it is a lot of fun to host baby showers.  We did a frog theme for the last shower I hosted and it was kind of cute and fun.  I can’t wait for my siblings and my friends to start having kids =)

Bonus: Any silliness about baby showers you wish to contribute.

What?  The dirty diaper game wasn’t enough? =) 

Crock Pot Pizza


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My husband is an evil genius. He figured out how to make deep dish pizza in the crock pot. No joke.

Ingredients: Pizza Dough (he just used two packs of dry mix that you add water to and let rise), Pizza Sauce + Diced Tomatoes (I’m guessing about 2 1/2 cups… he didn’t measure), Pepperoni, and Mozzarella Cheese.

Put the dough in the pot (sides were about 1/2 inch deep)
Fill the crust with sauce

Layer on pepperoni
Add a deep layer of cheese
Layer on the pepperoni again
put crockpot on high, cover, and cook for 3ish hours
It is AMAZING. He’s making it again tonight. YAY ME!

Peace without Surrender


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I was driving around this afternoon and caught a segment from BBC World News on the radio.  It was a story about how the peace talks between Israel and Palestine are being percieved in Israel itself.  One of the men being interviewed said very adamantly – I want peace, but I don’t want to surrender.

I kept listening to him say those words and found myself so frustrated by this attitude that says the only peace that is acceptable is the one that comes on my terms.

This week, our gospel lesson from Luke in the lectionary teaches us that we can’t have it both ways.  We can’t hang on to our own desires and hopes and dreams and things and also follow Christ.  We can’t have the peace that passes all understanding unless we are willing to surrender it all.

The truth is, most of the time, we think we don’t have what it takes.  Our families are too important to us. Our jobs and that sense of security is too important.  We aren’t willing to put it all on the line and so, the irony is that we do surrender – but to the wrong things.  We surrender to the idea that we will fail.  We surrender to the pressure of family values.  We surrender to patriotism and nationalism and consumerism.  We surrender thinking that we will keep our lives… but in the end, we will do nothing but lose it all.
Christ turns our whole lives upside down.  To save your life, you must lose it. To be exaulted, you must be humbled. To be first, you must be last.
No where in the gospel does it say that if you go to church on Sundays and the rest of the week work really hard at your job and raise a good family then someday after you die you’ll go to this happy and wonderful place called Heaven. I wish it did, but it simply doesn’t.
No, the gospel tells us that we must hate our parents and our spouses and children and put it all on the line and bear our crosses – and then we will be his disciples.
I have to admit, I’ve never been a person to think too intently about what waits us after this life.  I’m not the type of Christian who has her heart set on heaven.  I don’t care that much about blissful and peaceful eternity.  What I want is for the sick to be healed.  I want the poor to be lifted up.  I want the oppressed to go free. I want to experience Emmanuel – God-with-us – to be in the presence of God and to know that all things are well.
Those are the words and the promises that I find in scripture.  I believe in the God that will set all things right… and that includes my sorry-ass. And I think if I got to experience that for even a moment – that would be enough. I have to trust that if God says – turn it all over to me and I will make something beautiful of your life – that God means what she says.  Lay it all on the line…
Maybe the tricky part is that line.  You see, we draw our lines in very different places than Jesus would draw lines.  We draw lines around our family and say – I’m not willing to sacrifice this.  Or we draw lines around our jobs – and will sacrifice it all for the next paycheck.  We draw lines in the sand and say that this particular issue – whether it’s abortion or animal rights or Islamic religious centers or the creation of a Palestinian state – is the most important thing and that we will never give up until we have gotten our way and if you stand outside of that line then you are the enemy.  We refuse to surrender.  We refuse to give in.  And in the end, I think we loose it all.
Because you know what – Christ draws a line.  He doesn’t draw it around our houses or cars or children or institutions or issues – but he draws it right down the center of our lives.  And Jesus says, leave it all, come and follow me.
So I’m turning my life over.  I’m surrendering all of those things that I think I want and that this world tells me are so important. Here it is, Lord. Here I am, Lord. Use me to feed the hungry.  Use me to heal the sick.  Use me to lift up the brokenhearted.  Use me to speak the truth in love to those who preach lies.  Use me to stand with the oppressed.  Use me to say “no” to a world obsessed with more. And if by chance the world turns against me – so be it.

chaotic peace

The other day, B strongly encouraged me to organize my pocketbook.  It seemed like such a silly thing at the time, but there it was, busting at the seams with reciepts and cash sticking out and no hope of ever closing.  He said – if you can get that thing to close right, maybe there is hope for you after all. And I did!  =) All I had to do was take the checkbook out, put the cash in the right spot, and tuck my recipets in the pocket where the extremely seldom used checkbook had been.

I think my husband would describe me as a person who thrives on chaos.  What he would mean by that is that I kind of let things go and forget about them and let everything hang out flapping about until a kind of critical point is reached.  And then I jump into this frenzy of action and wham bam boozle – somehow, things kind of work out.

“Kind of” is the operative part of the phrase there. 

It is true that for much of my life, that is how I have viewed the world.  I’ll put something off until the absolute last possible moment.  I hate confronting conflict or unpleasant tasks.  I ignore things until I have to face them. And while I have, for the most part, been successful in this way of doing things, it is not my best.  And it doesn’t work for everyone.

This last week, I preached on peace.  And as is sometimes the case as a pastor, I felt like I was preaching to myself.  Because peaceful is often the last thing that I feel in this chaotic way that I operate.  Peaceful is not the word to describe the way relationships sometimes turn out due to this way of operating.  Peaceful is not the word to describe the garden space on the south side of my house. Peaceful is not the proper adjective for newsletter creating, or bulletin producing, or sermon writing… at least not in my life.
As I spent some time wrestling with peace this week, I was reminded of the hebrew idea of shalom.  Shalom is more than peace – it is right relationship, right order, wholeness and harmony.  And not in some fuzzy, hippie, feel good sense.  You know how you look around and see that things are just out of whack?  when you can’t figure out how to make things fit or you know in your gut that something is off… that is the lack of shalom.  And an article by Bruce Birch caught my attention when he wrote that the opposite of shalom is chaos.

You see, as much as I thrive on this chaos… as much as I am comfortable with the way that I operate… that doesn’t mean it is good for me.  The peace that I obtain as I work this way, as I play this way, as I love this way is not full.  It is partial and it is grasping.  But to open myself up to right priorities… to find balance in my life… to seek out order and a proper time for things… to allow God to guide me… to let go of some things and delegate others… maybe that could bring shalom.  Maybe letting go of my comfortable chaos might help me to truly find the peace that passes all understanding.

How I end up finding this order in my life is a different question.  It’s not enough to just pray about it.  I am firmly of the belief that prayer also requires action on our behalf.  I’ve already organized my pocketbook, so at least I’m starting somewhere.  I consolidated all of my google calendars so that all of my appointments show up at the same time on my blackberry.  But just ready to come to the surface is the realization that the way I do church has to radically change.  I need to hand some things off.  I need to let go and find people to take over a few things that may have been the pastor’s job in the past… like doing the newsletter… so that I can be freed up to do the things I am called to do. As much as I enjoy them.  As much as I am comfortable doing them.  They create chaos as I try to stuff everything in and clasp the darn thing shut. And letting it go might be the answer I’m looking for.

Vocations?

Today at our county ministerial alliance we talked about the multiple vocations that people have in their lives.  The conversation sprang from a book we are reading together and a scene in which a Catholic priest approaches his bishop to let him know that he has fallen in love.  The priest both feels called to the ministry and called to love and marry this woman that he has met. 

Good old Wikipedia shares that vocation is: an occupation to which a person is specially drawn or for which they are suited, trained or qualified.  While being a wife wouldn’t always be considered an occupation… it is work.  And parenthood falls under the same consideration.  As do our hobbies and livlihoods. And potentially our jobs. As we talked, we became more and more aware of the multiple vocations that have an influence on our lives. 

In my own life, I am called to my husband, to my family, I am called to ministry as an elder in the UMC, and I’m sure that there are many others. In seminary I wrote often about a deep calling to rootedness… part of which comes from being a Midwesterner and the daughter of a farmer.  It is a calling that I am currently living out both by attempting to build deep relationships in my community and with gardening.

The problem comes however, when these various callings that God has placed within our lives don’t always neatly fit together.  The conflicts can be painful. How do we divide up our time and our resources and our energy?  What takes priority on what days?  These is a complex dance that is stepped between these obligations and loves. Not always do we make the right choices and not always is there a “right choice” to make.

Recently, the juggling has been more difficult in my life. And try as I may to give myself fully to my husband and my church work and return the phone calls of my parents and tend to those pesky weeds sprouting up in the garden, there are also the distractions that somehow sneak in and ruin the delicate balance that we create. I spent far too much time this past week reading Grey’s Anatomy fanfiction.  No lie. It’s embarassing really. And over the weekend, as I prepare for Annual Conference, I’m struggling with how I can possibly spend time with the family who are coming into town, while at the same time I have obligations for rehearsals and plenary sessions. I struggle to balance how long I stay after church on a Sunday and heading out to the river to be with my in-laws and my neice and nephews. I struggle with what to do on my Fridays off with my husband when a special meeting is called in Des Moines. I struggle with finding time to get the sermon written when a funeral comes up and find myself taking time away from sleep to get it accomplished. The pull between these vocations is intense!

As I sat down to think about this idea of multiple vocations, my mind drifts to the saints who have walked before us. What biblical characters struggled with these demands?  Which founders of our faith successfully navigated these waters?  My mind draws blanks.  I think about the ones who didn’t…. Paul’s urging of those who were unmarried to stay that way.  John Wesley’s failed relationships. Even Moses left his wife and children with his father-in-law, Jethro, for a time (Exodus 18)… and I’m not sure that when they came back they came back to stay. I’m hoping others can point me to some better role models!

Modern brain science has taught us that we really cannot do more than one thing at a time.  When we believe we are multi-tasking, we are really just switching incredibly quickly between one task and another, giving each full attention… even if just for micro-seconds. But it leaves us fragmented and tired, even though our brains are quickly adapting and getting better at this dance.

What are we to do?  What is the right balance?  And if it comes down to it, what will be our first priority?

Nothing witty or profound

Lots of people are doing out with the old, in with the new posts.  top ten lists. best of’s.

I have been so busy that I don’t have the time or energy to really think about something that witty or profound.

But one person did have this question posted on twitter on New Years Eve:  what were you doing 10 years ago?

And it made me smile.  Because 10 years ago, I was partying like it was 1999 – and it was =)  10 years ago, I was hanging out with friends at a high school party.  I was a senior and I had recently had my very first date with a classmate named Brandon.  It was the winter Millenium Dance.  And I asked him to go with me (so progressive!).  So two weeks later, as I was hanging out on New Years Eve at this friends place, all I was wondering all night long was whether or not HE was going to show up.  I knew he had other plans, but I still wondered.  I think I even got to talk to him that night – a friend of mine called a friend of his he was with.  It was a time of giddy excitement and the beginning of a relationship and it was all quite fun.

10 years later – I got to kiss that same man after the decade turned at midnight.  10 years later, we are married, and happy (lol – most of the time!) and I wouldn’t have wanted to be anywhere else.