marriage

Lost my religion… or my religion lost me

Posted on December 3, 20091 Comment

Francisco Viri, “The Agnostic Survivor”, Watercolor, 56 x 39 cms., 2002

As many of you know – my husband isn’t involved at all in church life. This whole church and religion thing just isn’t what makes him comfortable and he’s definately not sure that he wants to swallow the “truth” of the church hook, line and sinker. And that’s probably putting it nicely.

This week, I’ve had a couple of encounters that have reminded me why for some strange reason our relationship works – even though I’m a pastor and he’s… well, if he were to call himself anything it would be Buddhist.

First, on Tuesday morning, a lovely woman who is in our small group came up and said that her husband and she had been talking about me. He also isn’t a churchy person. He also doesn’t get the whole religion thing. And he was intrigued by the idea that if my husband and I can figure it out – then he and his wife can figure it out too.

Then Tuesday night, I was given an amazing CD by a friend. It’s Susan Werner’s “The Gospel Truth” and it has such a wide variety of musical genres and prophetic witness and a good mix of faith and doubt all rolled into one. She describes it as “Agnostic Gospel” and I think in many ways that is true.

In her song, Lost My Religion, she talks about being told that girls were more trouble than they are worth by her preacher… and then comes the line – lost my religion… or my religion lost me.

I think for far too many people, they don’t lose their faith, but their traditions lose them. Church people can be too brash, they can be too forceful and judgmental, they can be too close-minded and far too empty of grace.

And some people just can’t stand the hypocrisy. Some people just can’t stand being constantly judged for something they can’t control. Some people have too many questions and don’t think they can ask them. So they leave. Or rather, they are left behind.

As I listened to Werner’s album, and thought about my husband, and that woman’s husband, I started thinking about all of the other people in my town that wrestle with deep questions of faith and life but don’t belong in our churches. I want so much to have a cup of coffee with them and talk. I want to sit down over a beer and ask them what their questions are and promise them that I don’t have cut and dry answers – but that we can wrestle with the questions together. I want to spend time with my youth group parents and assure them that I know their lives are busy, and that Sunday mornings don’t always work for them, but that we as the church can make room in our lives for them if they let us.

My heart is for people who religion has lost.

traveling light

Posted on November 12, 2009Leave a comment

This morning I embark on a trip to Indy for emergingumc 2.0. And although it’s a three day thing – I’m taking with me just one bag… my carryon. I’m packing light. I have just the basics. And it feels good.

Not that getting through security in our little city is difficult or anything. But if I don’t need it, then why bother? I have my toiletries, clothes for two more days, my laptop and a book. I’m set.

Liz Martin/The Gazette

I breezed through security. Well, almost breezed through. I brought my water bottle – thinking it would come in handy at the conference and the lady at the checkpoint very kindly told me that I couldn’t take the content through. she suggested I water the plants with it. What a great idea! So I did, and then I breezed through the rest.

It had been a while since I have flown. Maybe two years? It used to be such a common occurance in my life that it has been easy to slip back into familiar patterns. Laptop in handy neoprene sleeve? check. toiletries in baggie? check. I.D. out with boarding pass so they can do their fancy light wand thingy (which was new)? check. Awesome airport cafe with free wi-fi? check. Btw – that awesome mural spins – very slowly – but it makes a very neat and pretty calming effect.

It’s nice to get away for a day or two. And what I’m realizing is that I’m not only traveling light luggage wise, but also with very little emotional weight. My husband and I got a dent made in our leaves yesterday and even more importantly – we had a lot of fun working together on that project. My life has been crazy busy lately and we have been on slightly different schedules – so it was nice to spend that time with one another. Worship is all taken care of for Sunday – and I don’t have a sermon to write. I got to watch glee last night which always makes me happy. And there is a cup of coffee in my hand. And the guy with the laptop at the other table is listening to “I Gotta Feeling” by the Black Eyed Peas. The sky is clear blue. I’m feeling great. (although my back does hurt a little from using unexercised muscles raking).

FF: Five Songs

Posted on October 23, 20092 Comments

When I was a very little girl growing up in Virginia, I never missed a Sunday going to Court Street Baptist Church. But there was something else that made Sundays special, and that was “Davey and Goliath.” Every week the opening strains of the theme song would find me lying on the floor, chin on hands, looking up expectantly to watch the adventures of a clay boy and his big dog.

What I didn’t realize was who wrote that music, the hymn “A Mighty Fortress is Our God.”

It was the same Martin Luther who said:

“I have no use for cranks who despise music, because it is a gift of God. Music drives away the Devil and makes people gay; they forget thereby all wrath, unchastity, arrogance, and the like. Next after theology, I give to music the highest place and the greatest honor.”

On this Friday before Reformation Sunday, let’s talk about music. Share with us five pieces of music that draw you closer to the Divine, that elevate your mood or take you to your happy place. They might be sung or instrumental, ancient or modern, sacred or popular…whatever touches you.

1) All Will Be Well – the Gabe Dixon Band… I fell in love with this song in Nashville – it pretty much sums up my theology (and may be the reason I love Moltmann so much)

2) Here I Am Lord – the song that represents my call – I love singing the harmony on the chorus when you get a big group of people together.

3) I Believe in a Thing Called Love – The Darkness – this song gets me up on my feet and moving. at a time when I was taking better care of myself and exercising regularly – this was the number one song on my playlist.

4) Hey Ya – Outkast – my dad and I danced to this song at my wedding – not for our father/daughter dance… but because he liked the song and we requested it. It still makes me giggle thinking about us out there busting a move

5) Shelter – Ray Lamontagne – another artist I fell in love with during seminary. If my husband hadn’t had a song already – I would have lobbied hard for this one for our first dance.

breathe in, breathe out

Posted on October 16, 2009Leave a comment

Photo by: Thomas Boulvin

My life has been a little bit insane lately.

As a pastor, as a wife, as a daughter, as an aunt, as a sister, as a home… well, home-occupier. Every facet of my life has pulled me and stretched me and stressed me out and brought me joy and helped me to grow and made me happy. All in the short two week span between October 1 and October 15.

I’ve met with families of loved ones who have died. I have wrestled with divorce and separation and legal battles in the church and in my family – and the heartache that comes from just wanting to make all of those things better and just wanting people to love one another yet again pr at the very least to stop hurting one another so badly and not being able to do anything.

I’ve waded through mistakes and miscommunications and “I’m sorry”s and “I love you”s and apologies and goal setting and covenants and unworthiness and unconditional love and communion and meetings and singing and laughter and tears and anger and worry and muddy dirt roads and chicken noodle soup and piles of paper and paint stores and hugs and stories and fumbles and touchdowns and …

I’m exhausted. But this afternoon I get to go and meet the newest addition to our family. And tomorrow I get to hang out with my brothers and sister-in-law and dad. and next week, even though our young clergy retreat is postponed – I’m taking a personal day to enjoy all of the blessings that have arrived in the midst of the chaos and to celebrate the clarity of vision that has come through the storms.

television favorites

Posted on September 18, 2009Leave a comment

I just got to watch the first episode of a new season of Bones. And it just makes me happy! There is something about this unlikely match between Bones and Booth, the scientist/rationalist and the person of faith/instinct that really resonates with the way I view myself and my husband. Only we are opposite the pairing =) I’m the person who goes with her gut and trusts in things I can’t see. And half the time my husband and I can’t understand one another – and yet it works!

That and then you thrown in the mystery of the crime and the little things that make me laugh and the slight element of danger… it’s a great show =)

I’m also looking forward to Fringe – which is next on my “to watch” list. I know I said I’m not the scientist, but really I’m not the rationalist. I love the para-scientific elements of the show. I like the mystery involved in what might be possible. I love Walter and his slightly off view of the world and Olivia and her quest for something stable and her super inquisitive drive.

And then there is Grey’s. Which begins next week. I have high hopes tempered by disappointment from two… maybe two and a half seasons… of slight disappointment. I’m really upset that George is dead. And I’m not digging the fact that there are so many story lines going right now that I get to see about 5 minutes of each one in each episode. I’m hoping for a more cohesive focused direction this season. With humor, wit, love, angst and all of that good stuff thrown in. I want something that will match the caliber of the bomb episodes… and the normal everyday conversations about breakfast and the SUBTLE background about feminism and can we have it all and sex and relationships… not all the in your face let’s make a big deal and have a whole episode about it type of thing. My fingers are crossed – but I’m holding my breath.

Posted on August 21, 20091 Comment

I’ve been thinking a lot about marriage and weddings – for quite a few reasons. I just celebrated at my second wedding of the summer, my dh and I just had our second wedding anniversary, and I’ve been following some posts @ halfwaytonormal.com that have been on the topic of sex and marriage.

When I first got to our little town, the funeral director said something to the effect of: “Those Methodists… they’ll marry and bury anyone!” And in some ways, in our little town, that’s kind of true. There are quite a few congregations that mainly do services for their members and families. I’m the pastor that gets called when the family is unchurched or there is no real church connection. The same goes for weddings – especially those where the couple has lived together prior to marriage.

This probably isn’t a big surprise for most people, but my hubby and I did live together before we married. Twice, actually. After two years of long distance, he transferred to the same college I did, and then a year later we lived in the same house with a bunch of other classmates (hello PAC house!). Then we were apart again for a year and a half. Then he moved across the world to be with me in seminary and moved into my place. We wouldn’t have been able to afford it other wise. We were engaged, we just hadn’t figured out the timing to make the ceremony that we both wanted happen.

When we did eventually tie the knot, we wanted a central part of our service to be the idea that a marriage is about far more than the ceremony. Marriage is a journey that begins long before a wedding and continues long after you have said “i do.”

Deep in my heart, I believe that a marriage is about a covenantal relationship between two people. I believe it is a covenant of love, trust, acceptance, understanding, and respect. And as I said over on “halfway to normal,” some couples have built the kind of covenantal relationship I’m talking about long before the wedding… and some of those couples are people who never want to get “married”… or can’t get married legally. Other couples may not even really understand themselves what being committed to a covenantal relationship means until far into their “marriage.” Some people never get it.

For me and my husband, we both had it early and are still working on it =). Very early on, I think we figured out that we loved and trusted and accepted each other. We made a lot of mistakes, but we stuck in there. We respected and cherished each other. We were in it for the long haul from VERY early on. Long distance relationships do that to you. We actually created rings that fit together that read on the inside “love stronger than the distance between us.” And we still wear them.

But those kinds of covenantal relationships take constant work. They are hard. Sometimes I wake up and wonder who on earth is in bed next to me! Sometimes I’m positive he’s feeling the same way. Marriage takes work and prayer and fighting here and there. Because we aren’t perfect, we are human, and our human flaws mean that seeds of mistrust and fear and doubt creep in every now and then.

Love for me is choosing to say yes every day. It is choosing to forgive and to keep loving no matter how many mistakes we make. It is choosing to be the best husband or wife you can be. It is choosing to honor and respect your spouse. Love is holding fast to who you are while at the same time letting the other person do the same. And it’s messy, and it’s beautiful.

Last Fridays FF: Friends

Posted on May 22, 2009Leave a comment

Ever since I found out I could be the hostess for the third Friday Five of each month, I have not been able to get the thought of friends out of my mind. Being an only child (all growed up) who moved around a lot in my lifetime,
friends have always been very important to me. As Ralph Waldo Emerson once
wrote: “The way to have a friend is to be a friend.”

So today let’s write about the different kinds of friends we have, like childhood friends, lost friends, tennis friends, work friends, and the list goes on. List 5 different types of friends you have had in your life and what they were/are like.

1) JSTACK – there is no other way to describe this group of friends than to simply call us who we are (JSTACK is based on the first letters of our names). We are six women (well, girls at the time) who fell in together somewhere in 7th grade and haven’t fallen apart since! Think “Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants” meets “Now and Then” and “Stand by Me” only there are six of us and we get together regularly. We have built some amazing rituals around watching each other get married and I can’t wait until some of us start having little ones! Our kids will have five aunts to love them!!!

2) My college “activist” friends – these are my friends who would drag me to protests and who I lived with in a community house with a focus on social justice and peace and the environment. We had a blast together and I did all sorts of things that I never would have had the courage to do on my own.

3) My college “religious” friends – these are terrible distinctions to make between people, and I had quite a few friends who fit both categories, but for the most part, I had my friends in the “progressive action coalition” house and then my friends in “religious life council.” These are the friends that I talked theology with, and discerned my call with. These are the friends that held me accountable through covenant discipleship groups and I worshipped with. These are the friends who worked through parts of the ministry process with me. Five of us went to seminary out of my graduating class.

4) My seminary friends. In many ways – seminary was the opportunity to meld together the “activist” and “religious” sides of my life. My seminary was also known as the “school of the prophets” so it was no surprise that my colleagues would protest injustices and would stand up for the rights of others AND that we had deep theological discussions about why we would do so. My one regret is that I wasn’t more involved in some of the direct action things that happened while I was in Nashville. Some of my closest women friends and I also had a regular tuesday night out during this time that WAS the deepest form of self-care that I’m still trying to find here in my ministry setting.

5) My husband’s friends. Well, they are my friends too =) Since moving back to Iowa, we started hanging out with my husband’s brother and friends – mostly playing video games and watching movies and playing disc golf. And now they are the guys (and I do mean GUYS) that I see most often. In some ways I miss having really good girlfriends around, but at the same time, it’s nice to just be able to hang out with the guys and not have any of the pressure of church around.

An Interview with RevGals

Posted on May 21, 20091 Comment

These questions were posted this week as a part of the Monday Meet-N-Greet. I know – I’m late. Oh well!

1. Where do you blog? Here! and at http://www.kenoticwords.blogspot.com/

2. What are your favorite non-revgal blog pal blogs? United Methodeviations, Bread & Honey

3. What gives you joy? Being on a porch with good friends and family talking about life. Baptizing a child. Singing a favorite hymn. Sleeping next to my husband.

4. What is your favorite sound? My cats purring.

5. What do you hope to hear once you enter the pearly gates? This is a really hard question. In part because I don’t know that the pearly gates is that great of a metaphor for what awaits us. For me, this question is about what would I want to be able to hear that I can’t already hear/know here on earth… I can already hear God saying that I am loved… so I guess I would want to be able to hear all of the intangible things that we can’t understand about one another. I would like to be able to hear a smile.

6. You have up to 15 words, what would you put on your tombstone? She lived her whole life with her whole self and loved everyone she met.

7. Write the first sentence of your own great American novel. Today I planted the very first seed…

8. What color do you prefer your pen? Black

9. What magazines do you subscribe too? None at the moment. But I sometimes buy “Everday Food” and used to get “Utne Reader”

10. What is something you want to achieve in this decade? I want to have a child in this decade (if we are thinking 2000-2010)… and the time is quickly slipping away.

11. Why are you cool? Because I like to wear heels with my jeans, I listen to space rock (Incubus), watch the Daily Show, study the perichoretic nature of God, and because I’m probably the youngest pastor in a 50 mile radius (if not wider) of where I live.

12. What is one of your favorite memories? having my husband wipe away the tears of joy from my eyes with my grandma’s handkerchief during our wedding ceremony.

13. Anything else you’ve always wanted to be asked? What is a metaphor/image for your ministry? Despite being an itinerant United Methodist pastor… my deepest metaphor for ministry is that of a gardener or farmer – putting deep roots into the ground and tending the spot that you are given – taking care of the land and the soil and freely giving the fruits of the labor away to those who need them the most.