marriage – Page 5 – Salvaged Faith

ancestors and language

Posted on May 20, 2009Leave a comment

Part of the reason I have been conspicuously absent lately is that I was getting ready for and now being invigorated by the Miss Czech-Slovak Iowa pageant and Houby Days.

I was invited to be a judge at this year’s competition and I was honored to do so. For those of you who aren’t aware – I was Iowa’s first ever (official) Miss Czech-Slovak Iowa and was sandwiched between two amazing women who not only represented Iowa, but were also national queens. So, this was a great chance to reconnect with something I have been away from for oh, about 7 years, but it also was a good opportunity to get back in Czech Village after all of the flooding last spring that devasted the Avenue.

Can I just say first of all how much I love kolaches?! I had 3 by the time it was 10am. Seriously – they are good… go get yourself one!

The only disappointment for me that day was that I did not have a kroj to wear. Kroje are the traditional costumes worn for festivals and special occasions and I have one that I wore as the Czech Princess in high school and then another I wore as Miss Czech-Slovak Iowa. (you can’t see it in this picture – but I’m third from the left… pictured with the other contestants in Wilbur, NE at Nationals and our “little sisters”).

Unfortunately, neither of them fit. And I haven’t had enough time to do the proper alterations. And I need to find the time to get it done – it just wasn’t going to be in this last month. So, I was kroj-less.

BUT – with all that went on, with all the beautiful kroje worn by men and women all day long, I really wanted to think about making another one. One that more accurately represents where I am now, as a married woman, and as someone who also wants to learn more about her history.

I was so inspired in fact by this weekend that I’m looking into taking a Czech language class this summer (although right now, it appears the class is full) AND I immediately hopped online to do research about my ancestors. I have discovered that unlike what I previously thought, my ancestors on both sides (at least the ones I have found information for) are from Bohemia, not Bohemia and Moravia (although there is a Moravia connection there also). I have even discovered a few little villages where some of family is from!!! From another woman’s family tree (if we are indeed connected like it appears) the Benes family that I am descended from has roots in Krasolesi, Bohemia – a village kind of half-way between Prague and Brno. On the Ziskovsky side, Cathrina Toman was born in Litomysl, Bohemia – with her father being from Jevisovice in current South Moravia.

I am sooooooo interested in finding more about these people and where they lived and what the local kroj are like. I would love to design one that represents a married woman’s kroj for that area.

FF: Ritual

Posted on May 1, 20094 Comments

From Rev Gals: I believe that we live in a ritually impoverished culture, where
we have few reasons for real celebration, and marking the passages of life.
So…

1. Are ritual markings of birth marriage and death important to you?

Absolutely! They are how we make meaning out of these very difficult and beautiful transitions in our lifes. Even when we think that we are bypassing rituals, we are usually creating our own practices for coping and celebrating what has happened. Even something as simple as placing your baby into the crib for the first time is filled with significance and meaning and how you do it that first time will shape how you do it from then on. As a pastor, I see my role as to speak to where and how God is present in the rituals that I help a family perform.

2. Share a favourite liturgy/ practice.

In my wedding ceremony, we wanted to acknowledge that we had already been on a long journey together. We got married on our seven and a half year anniversary. So this was one more step in a relationship that we committed to long ago. I found this piece of liturgy and we used it at the beginning of the service:

President: We have come together in the presence of God to witness the marriage of Brandon and Katie, to celebrate their love for each other, and to ask God’s blessing upon them.

2nd Voice: Through the ages, people on great journeys have stopped at important places, and at decisive moments, to build cairns at the roadside – to make the spot, to measure progress, and to leave reminders of their arrivals and leavings to which they and others can always return.

3rd Voice: Katie and Brandon’s relationship is a great journey that, in different ways, we have traveled and will continue to travel with them. Nothing will ever be the same: for Brandon and Katie; for us who know them; or for the community in which they will live and move. They are to be married.

President: God’s Word reveals to us that the very nature of God as Father, Son and Holy Spirit, along with all human experience, for we are made in the image of God, is to be understood as relationship. In the great stories of God’s people and in the coming of Jesus we are shown how God binds himself to us, in a relationship that we can only call love. Jesus himself gave us a new commandment, “that you love one another as I have loved you.”

2nd Voice: We grow through relationships, for they give human life its purpose and direction. This is why we reach out to others. Our live consists not only in being but in becoming. Loving relationships are always on the move. They cannot stand still. They are a journey.

3rd Voice: Let us mark this decisive moment in Katie and Brandon’s journey now, adding to the cairn the stones of our love, our support and our prayers for them as they make their promises.

President: Creating and Redeeming God,
It is your love which draws us together.
Through the love which we have for one another,
May we also grow in love for you.
Walking with Christ as our companion on the way,
May we come to share the joy
Which you have prepared for all who love you;
Through Jesus Christ our Lord.
[New Zealand, p. 802, adapted]

The two other voices besides our pastor were members of each of our families. The only thing that I wish we had done that we didn’t have the foresight to think about was to actually have family members bring a stone and to build a cairn… then we could have taken those stones with us to our new home.

3. If you could invent ( or have invented) a ritual what is it for?

wow, I guess see above! Something else that we kind of invented was at my grandpa’s funeral. He was a farmer and was always outside in the fields or in his gardens. He died in October and we couldn’t not make the fall harvest part of his funeral. We brought it tall stalks of corn from the field and placed it around the casket. And each of the grandchildren picked a pumpkin and we placed them at the base of the casket – one for each of us. We also had a number of significant others among us grandchildren – three of us were engaged… and the “SO’s” picked out squashes to represent themselves. We created meaning and remembrance out of that moment… we still call our “so’s” squashes. And everytime we do so, we remember Deda’s funeral.

4. What do you think of making connections with neo-pagan / ancient festivals? Have you done this and how?

I haven’t really thought to do it explicitly, but I’m also very aware that Easter and Christmas fall when they do, in large part because of pagan/ancient festivals.

I think that there is a very fine line to balance when incorporating those traditions and rituals into your life. You don’t want to impose your own values on beliefs on something you don’t completely understand and in doing so possibly undo the meaning of the original ritual. There was an awful lot of imperialism and conquest involved in our original appropriation of some rituals.

But at the same time, we always bring to any rituals we encounter our own meaning. We adapt the rituals we encounter to fit our lives and our circumstances. And so if we encounter a new ritual, I think the best thing is to learn as much as you can about it and practice it with (if you feel that is appropriate and not denying the God you follow) others who know it well, and then make it your own.

5. Celebrating is important, what and where would your ideal celebration be?

In my back yard with good friends and family… with a roaring fire =) Conversation, laughter, music, some wine and some good food off of the grill.

marriage: job of the state or of the church

Posted on April 28, 20093 Comments

I found this conversation over on the Methoblog today.

TheoPoetic Musings: Same-Sex Marriage And Separation Of Church And State

I wasn’t aware of the Puritan view of marriage as strictly a civil marriage…

“Massachusettes history reminds us that what we commonly call marriage today was initially, and quite deliberately, constructed as a form of civil union. Although marriage was a fundamental aspect of these highly religious people’s lives and the foundational element of their social order, its reputation was separate from the church. The Puritan founders understood marriage as a social institution that needed adjustment according to changing circumstances, and they left the state to do this important work.”

I also know of a few couples in my life who have been religiously married but not legally married.

The question is asked in the discussion TheoPoetic linked to whether clergy should be part of legally-binding contracts. The point is made that in baptisms and funerals and communion there are no other state functions being performed… so why weddings?

I want to keep thinking about this. I’m intrigued by the notion of having civil marriages and then any tradition can have whatever kind of ceremony/blessing it wants. But in many ways, I kind of feel like that’s what we did when we got married anyway. We had all sorts of things we did to prepare for our wedding ceremony, and then had all of these paperwork things to do for the state. The piece that is the kicker- the state function performed is a signature on a document.

As I pondered this, I remembered a call I recieved a few weeks ago from a woman needing her father’s baptismal record. The courthouse seemed to have lost his birth certificate and they needed official documentation in order to have the correct name on a death certificate correction (my prayers go out to that family and their paperwork battle in their time of grief!). An acceptable official documentation for that state was our church’s baptismal record! In many places in Europe, it is the church who held the birth and death records – you can’t find them all in a local civic authority, because it was the church who was recording these things.

I also am thinking about why it is that clergy are able to sign that piece of paper. It is because we are licensed by an approved body (the church). Or rather, it is because the state recognizes the license I already have. I could get licensed by the state to perform weddings, as a friend of mine did, but I already have a license. No need. Also – the only real “official” thing clergy does as far as the state is concerned is sign the piece of paper. The state has no idea what the ceremony was like and has absolutely no say in what occurs. All they care about is that there are signatures on the form when it comes back. Really – the county recorder is the one who holds all of the civic power. They give out the licenses and require all of the paperwork. Clergy is little more than a witness to the fact that the marriage took place (as far as our official role as the state is concerned). As for other strange people who are licensed to marry: captains of ships… why? who knows (well, I’m sure someone knows and I’m sure a google search will give me the reason, but I’m tired and should be working on the church newsletter).

As I think about my role in the marriage of two people, it is to bless them and to speak to the role of God in their relationship. And something that is very important to me is meeting with the couple and counseling them prior to the marriage. All of these are things that are purely religious in nature. They have nothing to do with the state. My “state” function takes all of a second and more than feeling like an agent of the government, I feel honored that the couple chose me to unite them, rather than the justice of the peace… because it means that I get the opportunity to be a part of their lives and bring God into their marriage as well.

YAY IOWA!

Posted on April 3, 20091 Comment

Today, the Iowa Supreme Court declared that a ban on gay marriage is unconstitutional!

I am really impressed by the fact that the decision was unanimous and took seriously the fact that marriage – as far as the state is concerned – has nothing to do with religion.

And as far as “tradition” goes – traditions need to be living, and need to be able to be flexible and change as we learn and grow, otherwise they are dead. That is true in the church and that is true in society also. If we had stuck with the traditions of marriage from the very beginning, women would be property, we would have polygamous relationships, and interracial couples wouldn’t have a chance. Traditions are LIVING!

I now pray that as a church, we too might find ways to value committed mutually-self-giving relationships between our gay and lesbian parishoners.

To be honest, I never even considered the possibility that it might be legal for gays and lesbians to marry in my state before my church would allow it. I have been thinking so much about the United Methodist perspective and have been working for reform there and if this decision holds, then I have a very difficult choice ahead of me. Do I continue to follow church discipline? Do I refuse to marry any couples until I can marry all? It may not even be an issue in my community, but I pray for God’s grace and God’s guidance so that when the question comes, when someone approaches me, I may have the heart to respond.

law or grace?

Posted on March 7, 2009Leave a comment

i was talking with a friend tonight about guilt and its absolutely pervasive impact on our lives. She was talking about something that is a normal and healthy part of her life and yet there was still residual guilt from societal standards that come up afterwards.

Guilt is such a terrible terrible thing. And I think I feel that way because I’m troubled by the fact we just can’t figure out how to live as people under grace…. we still think we are under the law and that we are constatnly being measured up against something.

I know I do it all the time. I neglect to spend an afternoon visiting church members and instead spend it connecting with colleagues online and I feel guilty. I don’t practice my guitar, and I feel guilty. I look at the dishes piled up on my counter, and I feel guilty. And those are just simple things. Guilt pervades our lives.

And it pervades my church. I think my biggest uphill battle in this congregation is trying to get people to stop talking about hell and the law and having to “straighten up and fly right” (they say this ALL THE TIME!) and to just focus on loving one another and loving ourselves and loving God. I think it comes down to Paul’s own struggle with the law that he had lived with his whole life. He wanted so much to live by grace, but was constantly seeing his body in the light of the law.

I think I’ve mentioned this before, but there is a guy I visit with who wants to know why I don’t talk about hell more, why I’m not preaching for people to flee from the wrath to come. I don’t see our faith that way. My faith and my salvation is about restoring my relationship with God, not making sure I don’t spend an eternity burning in hell. And in relationships, we are constantly growing and changing and we make mistakes, but it is the willingness to keep being in the relationship that matters. I think that is why the idea of covenant is so important and why God, no matter now many times Israel was unfaithful to the covenant, found ways to bring them back into relationship. the problem wasn’t that they did bad things. the problem was they neglected their relationship with God and put something else in God’s place.

I’ve been married for only a year and a half – but even in that short time, I know what that is like. We make mistakes all the time. We treat each other like crap somedays, and sometimes we make poor choices like putting work or down time or making dinner before each other. It happens. But if we were to let the past and all of the ways we have not fulfilled our marriage covenant determine our future, if we were to carry all of those mistakes with us and bring guilt into the present, we would never be able to forgive and love one another. The biggest piece of marriage advice I got was to never go to bed angry with one another. On the flip side, never go to bed feeling bad about something you have done.

What if we lived that kind of relationship with God? Where inspite of our failings, we went to bed leaving the past behind us and with a renewed commitment to be in relationship for another day? Covenants are not about prescribed standards and boxes to check and things we have to do – it is about a choice to be in relationship. And in a healthy relationship, there can be no guilt.

it’s the small things

Posted on February 15, 20091 Comment

People might ask me what kind of amazing things my husband did for St. Valentine’s Day. And to be honest, I was kind of dreading that question, because we had already promised not to do anything for one another. We have done a lot of the romantic cheesy stuff already – we’ve been together for over 9 years now! And sometimes we don’t feel very creative.

So, with the pressure off, I just kind of enjoyed my day.

And you know what I got.

1) a cuddle on the couch during a movie. Ever since we got our sectional in the basement, we have each had our side of the couch. (which to be honest is more comfortable) Tonight, we cuddled up together on the one corner, just like we have done since our very first movie watching – Jaws.

2) I got a promise that he would wash dishes and do laundry – all of it. I’ve been really busy lately, and most of that category has been my responsibility. He chips in, but he also does a lot of outside stuff, cold or warm, and he cleans the bathrooms. (yuck). It was kind of a routine that we had settled into long before marriage. But tonight, he said he would take care of it.

3) all day, he kept reaching over and touching me – grazing my hair or my arm. Some of it was tickling, but mostly, he was just close. And it was super nice. I credit our rearranged couch. (although I totally hate where it is placed – but that is a different story… it’s a lot harder to hate now!)

It really is the simple things that matter the most.

Amen.

Posted on January 21, 2009Leave a comment

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I got to watch the inauguration after holding bible study at church. Three parishoners joined me quickly in my office to watch the cnn.com live feed on my laptop.

I’ve been watching tv pretty much all day and really feel like there isn’t a lot left to say. It’s all been said, or at least I’ve had all the rhetoric and ideas and phrases spun around my sphere of influence that I’d probably just repeat other people’s profound thoughts.

I thought of all the moments I wanted to share, to remember, to really carry with me, the first was Rev. Lowery’s benediction. It was real and authentic and funny and gave glory to God and moved the crowd and he’s a United Methodist.

Second, how cute President Obama and the First Lady look while dancing (and how amazing was Beyonce’s version of “At Last”… which got old after the second time… although they didn’t) They kind of did the same spiel at each ball stop, although I was really touched by some of the things he said at the youth ball.

They really just have this aura of real and true love and confidence in one another and just seemed to be having such a good time. It was refreshing and beautiful – Rachel Maddow said something about how it must never get old to dance with your beloved. Beloved is a really good word to use to describe at least what I saw today.

Third, it really is amazing how much technology has played a part in this inauguration. I just looked up at the t.v. and there was an image of a crowd waiting and the stage lit up waiting for them to come out and there were all of these little blue squares. I realized they were all digital cameras, held up by the crowd, pointed at the stage. All of those little screens waiting to take pictures, like lighters held up at a concert. I don’t know if it’s just because I’m paying attention this time, but I can’t remember other inaugurations bringing this many people together in so many ways and all of this technology being employed to bring the message, the celebration to so many.

FF: Take Me, Baby, or Leave Me

Posted on January 16, 20093 Comments

Although written by a young man, this song from “Rent” became an anthem for women of a certain age ready to be taken on their own terms. Maureen and Joanne love each other, but they are *very* different.

Whether it’s new friends or new loves or new employers, what are five things people should know about you?

This Friday Five is really challenging for me, because I realize how many people I’m not completely honest with about. I don’t have enough confidence in myself, enough trust in other people to believe that they really will take me for what I am and still accept me.

So, what would I want to say to all of those people, family, friends, church members, who only see the “neutral” me?

1) My husband isn’t a Christian, and for the most part, I’m really okay with that.

2) I consider myself a liberal. In all facets of my life. Politically, economically, socially, theologically. This has been the hardest one b/c my family is pretty conservative, and so is the majority of my church. What I need to find the balance of is how to be me without imposing my views.

3) I am a huge procrastinator.

4) I like for things to be clean and organized, but I don’t always put things away… not until I need to work on something and then I get the urge to clean. or when I’m stressed. I clean then too.

5) I take things personally. I try not to, but when you comment about something around me or something that I am a part of, or something that is in my sphere of influence, I take it personally.