prayer – Page 5 – Salvaged Faith

Spirit of Discipleship

Posted on June 10, 2012Leave a comment

How many of you understand the Holy Spirit? How she works, where she blows, what exactly God is doing in our lives through the Spirit’s power? Raise your hands…

Notice, my hand isn’t raised either 😉

The Holy Spirit is hard to pin down… the power of God, the fullness of God, moving among us, empowering us, advocating for us, and yet never really in our grasp.

We know so little about the Spirit and yet we also spend so little time studying and exploring this amazing gift and presence that Jesus promised us.

This summer, with a new vision of our church in hand (reflect the light of God slide), we are going to watch as the Holy Spirit moves and transforms the early church. You see – they too, are coming to a new understanding of what it means to live as people of God in community with one another. They are growing and changing and learning to live out the Kingdom of God in all that they do. And every step of the way – they are empowered by the Holy Spirit.

As we walk with them, we will ask how we also can follow the Spirit’s prompting and learn together about the amazing things she can do if only we allow her to move. Each week, I want to invite you to ask the question – What could happen in our church if the Holy Spirit moved among us?

Our first stop on our journey is not very far from our experience of Pentecost two weeks ago… In fact, it is the end of Peter’s sermon on that amazing day.

Filled with the Holy Spirit, this ordinary guy gives an extraordinary sermon and three thousand people are converted and become believers on the spot.

Now, that in itself is amazing. We don’t have 3,000 people even IN Marengo… 😉 But what I believe is more amazing is what happens next.

These folks are filled with the Holy Spirit. They don’t pray the Sinner’s Prayer and then go back to live as it was. They don’t experience the mountain top moment of a retreat and life as usual sneaks in… No – they actually commit themselves to living out the fullness of what it means to be the people of God. Their entire lives change. They are the body of Christ. They are disciples.

While I was at Annual Conference last weekend, we had an opportunity to participate in teaching sessions. One of them I went to was with a guy named Ken Willard and he talked about how we make disciples in our church. That is afterall the overall mission of the United Methodist Church – to make disciples of Jesus Christ for the transformation of the world. And it was a part of our mission statement here at the church for years – the command to go into the world and make disciples from Matthew 28.

But the sad truth is, we almost never talk about being a disciple in the church. We talk about membership and we have ways of measuring the number of baptisms and professions of faith in our congregations. But we rarely paint a picture of what it means to be a disciple. And when we don’t speak about discipleship in a concrete way, then you and I do not have clear standards to evaluate ourselves by.

And too often, that means that wherever you were on your journey of faith when you became a member of the church is where you have stayed. Not because of anything that YOU have done, but because we, as the church, have never helped one another to grow beyond that. We have not challenged one another to grow into the fullness of discipleship. We have not provided resources and tools to help one another deepen our faith AND we have often left the Holy Spirit completely out of our churches.

I was reminded of an important lesson last weekend and I want you to hear it: membership in our church is not the same thing as being a disciple in Jesus Christ. We have a lot of members who are just beginning to become disciples… and we have some folks here who are working on their discipleship but have never recited the membership vows of our church. We are talking about two separate things.

I believe that if we want a clear picture of discipleship… our passage from Acts this morning is the place to start. Filled with the Holy Spirit, these three thousand plus people were living out their faith in the best possible way. Even though we are merely at the beginning of this book of the Acts of the Apostles, we are shown here a glimpse of the Kingdom of God, of the end goal of our striving… here is a list of what it means to be a disciple of Jesus Christ.

Let me read the second half of the passage again… this time from the Message:

That day about three thousand took him at his word, were baptized and were signed up. They committed themselves to the teaching of the apostles, the life together, the common meal, and the prayers. Everyone around was in awe—all those wonders and signs done through the apostles! And all the believers lived in a wonderful harmony, holding everything in common. They sold whatever they owned and pooled their resources so that each person’s need was met. They followed a daily discipline of worship in the Temple followed by meals at home, every meal a celebration, exuberant and joyful, as they praised God. People in general liked what they saw. Every day their number grew as God added those who were saved.

In no particular order, I want to dissect this list and lay out for you 10 marks of discipleship that we see in these early Christians… 10 things that we should stive towards in our own discipleship.

A word of reminder… this list is not meant to shame you or make you to feel bad about yourself if you aren’t doing these things yet… maybe for the first time, it is sharing with you a picture of what we could become through the power of the Holy Spirit. These markers are like a measuring stick… a way of seeing where you currently are and where you might have room for growth.

1. Worship: Worship is the act of praising God and in verses 46-47, we are told that every day the disciples met together in the temple. Every day they worshipped! And while our private worship and time of devotions are important – so is our communal experience of praise to God. A disciple is someone who joins the community in worship at least once a week.

2. Prayer: From verse 42, we are told the believers devoted themselves to their prayers. Prayers for healing, prayers for empowerment, prayers for understanding, prayers for signs and discernment. As 43 continues – awe fell over the people and God performed many signs and wonders in that time. In the scriptures we read: Ask and it shall be given to you, seek and ye shall find… our times of prayer communicate our desires to God… but prayer also helps align those very same desires with God’s desires. Disciples of Jesus Christ pray daily for one another, for the church, and for the mission field.

3. Evangelism – unlike the pre-Pentecost church… this community of believers was present in their community. Through those wonders and signs, through stories and scripture, but also through the living witness of their community. Disciples share the good news about what God has done in their life through words and deeds.

4. Bear Fruit – this follows closely on the heels of number 3 – but I want you to hear that it is different. While disciples are called to evangelize – to tell the good news, we do not always get the response that we want. Sometimes our evanglism simply creates enemies who are offended by God and the proclamation that Jesus is Lord. But in spite of opposition, we continue to share. We do not give up even though the work is hard and sometimes the days are long. A farmer knows that to bear fruit takes patience. Our verses tell us that people began to notice what the disciples were doing. And they liked what they saw. Verse 47 tells us that every day the Lord added to their numbers.

5. Know and Apply Scripture – The disciples devoted themselves to the teaching of the apostles. They listened as the scriptures were opened up to them and then they applied those verses to their lives. All of these marks of discipleship come from the scriptures we share together. Disciples today spend time in the scriptures – both on their own and in community – and seek ways to live out what they read.

6. Serve the Body – In verse 44-45 we are read about how the disciples put the body of Christ ahead of their own desires. They shared their resources and made sure that everyone in need was cared for. Disciples see and respond to the needs of other people… especially their brothers and sisters in the church.

7. Communion – twice in this passage a shared meal is mentioned. Breaking bread together unites us in our faith, but it is also a reminder of what Christ has done and centers us in relationship with him. John Wesley talked about the duty of constant communion… of coming to the table as frequently as possible to remember Christ’s death and to recieve grace. Disciples share in the communion meal as often as they can.

8. Fruits of the Spirit – implicit in these verses are the fruits of the spirit that we know so well. Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness and self-control. They were devoted and united, they shared with gladness and simplicity, they were kind and good to everyone they met. Disciples live in such a way that these characteristics are evident in all they do.

9. Give Financially (Tithe) – These early disciples sold their own property and possesions in order to support the work of the church and one another. They gave not only because God commands it, but also because they trusted that God would provide for them as they provided for one another. Their giving demonstrated their willingness to be interdependent – to live in a community where the need of one was the need of all. Disciples of Jesus Christ give at least 10% of their income to the church – the Body of Christ.

10. Love Others – this last mark of discipleship is a bit harder to see in these verses, but it describes where this group is going. They shared God’s goodness with everyone verse 47 tells us… but as we will see in the coming weeks – who is welcome and what will be required of them is sometimes up for debate. Even the earliest disciples had places to learn and grow, but we know that a Disciple loves other people and shares the love of God with them – wherever they are, whoever they may be.

Remember that question I asked earlier… the question that will guide us throughout this summer: What could happen in our church if the Holy Spirit moved among us? What could happen if the Holy Spirit turned us all into disciples? I want to invite you to take a minute or two and ponder what would happen if we all worshipped and shared communion weekly – if we all tithed – if we prayed together and studied the scriptures more – if we let the Holy Spirit help us to love and live and speak. What could happen? I invite you to write down your answer on the slips of paper in the pews and to offer them up to God as we pass the offering plates in a few minutes.

Amen… and amen.

a day in the life of a reserve delegate #gc2012

Posted on April 26, 20121 Comment

The morning starts at 6:45 with showers and hotel room coffee and a peanut butter and jelly sandwich made from groceries I picked up yesterday.

As a reserve, I get to observe most of the time, and so when I arrived at the conference at 8am, I made my way to the Superintendency committee. I’m not sure why I picked it, but there I was. Devotions were led by the committee chair and then we got down to business… mostly. The group started with two easier ones – and chose to not support an item to allow for laity to become bishops and an item that would require district superintendents to serve outside of their annual conferences. And then the fun began. 5 proposals all dealing with term limits for bishops had to be dealt with. Which would they chose? How would it affect central conferences? Are term limits a sign of distrust or a tool for effectiveness? Is being a bishop different than being an elder? The process was long, and at one point, the group decided to return to language allowing central conferences to chose their own term limits for bishops (current practice). Which then left the question of what to do with US bishops. As the debate went on, and an amendment was made by a delegate from a central conference, a woman from Germany stood to speak. She gently spoke to the fact that the committee had allowed for contextual local control for the central conferences to make their own decisions and asked that other central conference delegates would refrain from editing the proposal that was before the body so that the US delegates could make decisions about their own context. It was a gracious act of kenosis.

Lunch gave me the opportunity to sit down with other young adults and have a Q&A with Adam Hamilton about the Call to Action and Interim Operations Team proposals. Adam was extraordinarily gracious and did his best to listen and answer what he could. There were still many questions and not enough time and not enough dialogue back and forth (the format and sheer number of YP who turned up – 50+) didn’t allow for it. BUT – you could sense there was a change of feelings… it didn’t hurt that the backdrop for the conversation were the words “HEAL” – our theme scripture for the evening.

After lunch, I tried to catch up on some social media conversations. I sat outside in the sun, recharged my phone (which I used excessively b/c of the poor internet), talked with some other reserves and rested. Then I spent the rest of the afternoon session observing the Faith & Order sub-committee which was discussing qualifications for ordination. One of the most interesting parts of their work was watching the difficult work of the translator and the difficulty of not only multiple languages, but the added language of Robert’s Rules to complicate matters. It was an exercise in patience for all involved and they truly lived out the process graciously and beautifully… in spite of fumbles and human missteps. That happens… keeping the spirit is the hard part and they succeeded.

The hardest part about the process is that you can’t talk. You can’t add information. You can’t help to clear up problems. You can just be there. I tried to be available by offering to move chairs, by shushing folks next door who were being too loud, offering markers, etc. As a reserve you really are support. You can love and care and pray, but you can’t really participate in the same way. For anyone who knows me, that is a difficult thing for me to do. I like to be actively engaged and twitter has been one way for me to communicate and share even though I cannot use my physical voice.

Tonight’s plenary greeted our Pan-Methodist brothers and sisters from across the globe and featured nominations for important general church positions. It also featured a point of personal priveledge that lifted up the failure of the process of holy conferencing (not enough time, guidelines, compassion, importance) the day before – specifically in regards to LGBT issues. It was evident there was pain and hurt felt by many…

but the beautiful thing about a church conference is that God is in our midst. Our theme for the day was healing and plenary led into worship where we sang Balm in Gilead and talked about the healing power of Jesus’ love in our lives and we were challenged to lift up to God the places where we have hurt or been unkind or have sinned… the places we need spiritual healing as well as physical healing. It was powerful. Tears freely poured. I prayed with one of the marshals for her sister who is ill. We sang, we prayed, and God moved in that place.

10:00 – time to head back to the hotel… with stops for conversation, and witness, and sharing. It’s nearly 1am now… the blogging is done, the mind is clear, and I can sleep.

invocation of the spirit #gc2012

Posted on April 24, 20121 Comment

One of the most amazing moments in worship this afternoon was to see bishops of our church gathered around the communion table in the center of the people and to hear them invoke the power of the holy spirit.

I recite those words every week at our communion service.

I say them once a month in Sunday worship and at the nursing home.

They are deeply familiar to me.

And yet, with the arms of all of our body outstretched, the bishops prayed in their native tongues. The voices overlapped and competed with one another. Hard consonants mingled with softer vowels. It was a beautiful chorus of language and culture and background and perspective… it was humanity – reaching up towards the heavens and asking God to come down and make her presence known among us.

The beautiful cacophony of it made my heart sing and tears stream down my face.

We continued to experience this unity in the midst of our diversity when the voices of all 4700 participants in worship joined together to pray the Lord’s Prayer in their first languages. The familiar comfort and cadence of the American way of reciting the prayer was a subtle and not over powering backdrop to the many other voices… I was surprised that I could hear so many and that my own native tongue was not drowning out others.

This is the church. This is the body of Christ.

Sometimes… God’s will can kiss my @$$

Posted on March 7, 20124 Comments

This week started out rough. I thought I had an inkling about something very amazing about to happen – but it was going to bring a whole lot of added stress into my life as well. I spent three whole days psyching myself up about it – so much so that I had pretty much accepted it was going to happen and was excited.

I had a moment however on Monday night when I realized I should pray about it. I realized that just because I, personally, wanted this to happen, did not mean it was the best thing in the world for me or my ministry or my family. And that’s kind of what I preached about on Sunday, so I figured I had better take my own advice. or Paul’s advice. whichever.

So… I committed to not only praying about it, but that the next morning I was going to ask the small group at the church to pray with me that God’s will would be done in said situation.

Tuesday morning at 8:45, the news came. It wasn’t going to happen. The thing I had suddenly been excited for wasn’t going to work out. End of story.

(I know I’m being cryptic here… but bear with me… sometimes we can’t tell all of our secrets!)

I wrestle at times with making firm statements about God’s will. John Piper has recieved a lot of flack this past week for claiming that the tornadoes that ripped through the lower midwest and southeast were God’s will. I tend to hesitate when making proclamations about nature. I hesitate when one person who prayed fervently was spared and another who prayed fervently was killed. I do believe that God acts and moves among us. I do believe that God is present with us in every situation. But do sometimes things just happen? Does nature just run its course sometimes? Our sinful decisions have consequences and sometimes we have to blame ourselves rather than God.

But then there are all of these places in the scriptures where God brings out the battering ram and thunder and lightning and seems to lay the smack down. I would not for one minute say that God doesn’t have the power/ability/just reasons to unleash holy terror. Heck, I try to be benevolent and good and sometimes I want to call down a thunderbolt or two upon my youth! (just kidding… I love you guys… most of the time!)

All of that to say, I never know what to do about God’s will. I don’t know when to claim something was God’s will or not. I am not always sure how to discern God’s will.

In our weekly lenten study, I shared that one the greatest tools we have available to us in the Wesleyan tradition are the means of grace: prayer, bible study, christian conferencing, communion, tithing, visiting the sick and in prison, etc… But we have to DO them in a way that really focuses our attention to God. We can’t go through the motions. For an example: When I put my money in the offering plate, I have to say to God – I’m giving this to you… I’m trusting you with it… I’m trusting that you will help me to be faithful with it and all of my resources. It’s not just about doing our “duty” – its about learning to truly depend upon God. It is about aligning ourselves with God’s will.

And I have been trying to do that. I have been trying to trust and pray and listen a whole lot more intentionally lately.

So when I decided Monday night that I truly wanted God’s will to be done… I meant it. And I meant it that I was going to ask others to pray with me. I truly wanted to know God’s will. I wanted that to be the guide for this situation.

And on Tuesday morning… I didn’t like the answer I got.

In other times in my life, I wouldn’t have even thought about God. I would have thought about how dumb the situation was. I would have had a little pity party for myself. But because I was trying so hard to listen, the simple reality of God’s will smacked me upside the head.

I don’t like it. I’m not sure I completely understand. I wish the answer would change. And part of me really does want to say, “kiss my @$$,” and go do my own thing.

But if anything, this time of Lent has taught me, personally, that our lives are not our own. If I want to follow Jesus – I have to follow him all the way. And that means there are some really good things in this world that I don’t need.

Tonight, we sang in worship a really upbeat version of – “I have decided to follow Jesus.” It can be sung SO slow, but Lent has been all about joy, so we just owned it and sang it with some gusto. It was a reminder that I may not like God’s will, but I have decided to follow. I have decided to keep the cross before me. And I’m not turning back. I can do this with God’s help. I truly believe that God will help me. So be it. Amen.

do I look/act like a pastor?

Posted on August 23, 20112 Comments

Today, a young man wandered into our church building and needed a place to sit for a while. He looked like he was having a hard time and wanted a quiet place to think, pray, wrestle.

I invited him upstairs to our sanctuary and told him he was welcome to stay as long as he needed to.

In the middle of the day, I had to run a few errands, so I crept upstairs to see if he was ready to go. Bent over in prayer, I didn’t have the heart to ask him to leave. I let him know I would have to go, but that the door would be unlocked and he could stay in peace. He was grateful… evidently he had already tried another church in town and it had been closed. I tried to think if any of the other churches would have staff present at that time of day and I honestly wasn’t sure. It is a small town and pastors are often visiting or in meetings. We can’t all afford full time staff for the office. And often our buildings are closed and locked when there are not people present. It is a sad, but honest reality.

photo by: Dennis Rassing

About 45 minutes later, I came back in. I checked on him and asked if he was okay. I asked if he needed anything. He didn’t really seem to want to talk. So I left him to sit and made my way back downstairs.

He came down later and asked if the Catholic church in town had a confessional. I gently explained that our local priest had three congregations and I wasn’t sure if he was here in Marengo today. He lowered his shoulders and left the building, thanking me for the use of the space.

As a few minutes went by, I wondered why I had not offered to hear his confession. Mediated individual confession is not something we do often in the Wesleyan traditions. Often, our prayers are between us and God and the presence of a pastor/priest is not always considered. We corporately offer confession and we leave space for silent individual confession, but it is not thought of as a means of grace in the same way it is in other traditions. It didn’t cross my mind, to be honest. Well, not until he was already gone. Maybe I doubted my ability to offer what he was looking for.

But then I began to wonder if he had even thought of me as a pastor. He walked into the church and saw me sitting behind a desk. I could have been anyone. A secretary, a volunteer. Was there anything about me that would have led him to believe that I was someone who was willing and able to offer forgiveness and grace to him? That I have been called to God to offer prayer and time and the word with him? Or did he simply see a nice young woman sitting behind a desk, who offered a place to sit for a while? As he asked about the local Catholic church, was his background such that he would have even considered a female to be someone he could talk with about what was on his mind?

For the first time in a long time, I wished that I had been wearing a clerical collar in the office. I wished I had a name tag on that said “Pastor Katie.” I know I told him my name and I asked for his, but now I can’t remember if I had mentioned I was the pastor. We don’t normally have folks walk in off the street, but it does happen. And I want them to know that I am here for them… and in a small town like this, I want them to know that a pastor is available and willing to minister to them in whatever way that they need. In some ways, I feel like I failed in that today. I take a lot for granted and I get comfortable in my own skin in the office. I didn’t think intentionally about carving out space for my pastoral role regarding this particular person.

But then again, maybe space was all he needed. A friendly face, a non-judgmental smile, a place to sit.

That young man remains in my prayers. I don’t know where he came from or where he is going. I pray that although I wasn’t the person he turned to, and although I might not have responded the way I should have, that he will find the peace and the comfort that he is seeking.

fasting in secret, doing justice in the daylight

Posted on March 9, 2011Leave a comment

Last night in Disciple Bible Study, we very timely read the Sermon on the Mount from Matthew.

As a class, we wrestled with the implications of such contradictory phrases: being salt and light, letting the whole world see the witness of our life – vs – praying and fasting and even almsgiving in secret.

How can we be witnesses for the Kingdom of God if everything we do is secret?

I’ve often loved the familiar quote by St. Francis of Assisi – Preach the gospel, use words if necessary.

We are supposed to be salt, flavoring this world for the Kingdom… but do it in secret?

It has always seemed strange to me that as we put ashes on our foreheads on this holy day and walk back into the world, we read the gospel:

And go out into the world to feed the hungry and to weep with those who mourn; to share your bread and to rejoice with others. And do it not for any heavenly reward… but do it because the Lord loves them. And do it because YOU love them too.

Beware of practicing your piety before others in order to be seen by them (Matthew 6:1)

Yet as we wrestled, clairty started to find us.

We created a distinction between our personal piety: our prayer life, our fasting, our giving and realized that those aspects of our piety have nothing to do with other people. It is not done for others, it is done for God. No one else needs to know what we have given up, what we sacrifice, what time we have spent with the Lord. It is not for them… it is for God.

On the other hand, this same God reminds us that the fast he chooses is a life lived out in public:

Is not this the fast that I choose: to loose the bonds of injustice, to undo the thongs of the yoke, to let the oppressed go free, and to break every yoke? ⁷Is it not to share your bread with the hungry, and bring the homeless poor into your house; when you see the naked, to cover them, and not to hide yourself from your own kin? (Isaiah 58:6-7)

These actions have to be done in the world. You can not do them from the quiet of your closet.

God is calling us to both personal and social holiness, public and private repentance, transformation of heart and mind and soul and body.

As a Wesleyan, these two make perfect sense together. Love God, love your neighbor.

Fast and study and pray and worship, not for any reward but just to spend time with your Lord.

The Liturgy of Iron Chef America

Posted on November 14, 20104 Comments

Lately, I’ve been watching a lot of cooking shows. What can I say, it is hibernating season! Time to add the layer of fat for winter =)

Needless to say, I’ve seen my fair share of episodes of Iron Chef America lately. And as Alton Brown and Kevin Brauch and the Chairman lead us through the competition, I found myself saying their lines with them!

photo from: foodnetwork.com

There is something much different going on here than the formulaic structure of a sitcom or a drama with a problem that must be solved and the inevitable lightbulb moment about 35 minutes into the 42 minute arc. No, what I realized is that Iron Chef actually has created a liturgy to lead viewers through the experience.

I think the connection really stood out to me this past week because we are talking about the liturgy in the Disciple Bible Study I am teaching. The prior week, we discussed the giving of the law and the ten commandments… but then comes the instructions for worship, the setting of festival dates, the prescriptions for proper worship and proper attitudes. As our lesson pointed out, God gave us the law, and then gave us the liturgy, the worship, the practice that would instill those values into our lives, the method to overcome who we are and to purify ourselves.

Instrumental to this process is the liturgy – the work of the people – the litany of words and actions that create the worshipful experience.

There are many churches these days who frown upon liturgy or deny they have one. And yet, any time we create a structure for our worship, we have done so. Even if it’s four songs and a message and some more songs, it is still a liturgy.

I think in many ways, the liturgy invites people to participate. It provides the script for the activity. It tells you what you are supposed to do when. It creates insiders and outsiders. When you know the words, when you know the actions, you are a part of what is happening.

So every Sunday, when we gather to worship and begin with a call to worship, we are inviting participation. As we recite together the Lord’s Prayer, we are building community. When we sing together the Doxology, you know who is in and who is out. When we pass the peace, we invite others into that experience. And a good church provides ways for those who are new to learn the liturgy so that they, too, may participate.

I think we get so wound up about whether or not folks will understand what is going on in worship. We try to make everything really simple, dumb it down to the lowest common denominator. But in doing so, we forget that the liturgy is meant to be lived. That it doesn’t become a part of your life the first try. That you have to sit with it for a while, experience it, and in time, it becomes such a part of your life that you can’t exist without it. As I have experienced at the bedside of folks with dementia – when all else fails, Psalm 23 or the Lord’s Prayer is still there.

The first time I watched Iron Chef, it seemed a little cheesy, a little overdramatic. However, just because I wasn’t a part of the in-crowd the first time didn’t mean that I couldn’t watch or learn. And learn I did. I learned the liturgy. I know what the Chairman is going to say. I know the rules that Kevin will present. I remember how Alton will lead us into the verdict. And now when I need a break, I turn on food network, and I can join in the experience and it feels like home.

Does our worship invoke the same feelings? Does it invite us in with familiar words? Does it instill in us a sense of rhythm and direction? Does it ask us to participate? It should.

chaotic peace

Posted on July 6, 20102 Comments

The other day, B strongly encouraged me to organize my pocketbook. It seemed like such a silly thing at the time, but there it was, busting at the seams with reciepts and cash sticking out and no hope of ever closing. He said – if you can get that thing to close right, maybe there is hope for you after all. And I did! =) All I had to do was take the checkbook out, put the cash in the right spot, and tuck my recipets in the pocket where the extremely seldom used checkbook had been.

I think my husband would describe me as a person who thrives on chaos. What he would mean by that is that I kind of let things go and forget about them and let everything hang out flapping about until a kind of critical point is reached. And then I jump into this frenzy of action and wham bam boozle – somehow, things kind of work out.

“Kind of” is the operative part of the phrase there.

It is true that for much of my life, that is how I have viewed the world. I’ll put something off until the absolute last possible moment. I hate confronting conflict or unpleasant tasks. I ignore things until I have to face them. And while I have, for the most part, been successful in this way of doing things, it is not my best. And it doesn’t work for everyone.

This last week, I preached on peace. And as is sometimes the case as a pastor, I felt like I was preaching to myself. Because peaceful is often the last thing that I feel in this chaotic way that I operate. Peaceful is not the word to describe the way relationships sometimes turn out due to this way of operating. Peaceful is not the word to describe the garden space on the south side of my house. Peaceful is not the proper adjective for newsletter creating, or bulletin producing, or sermon writing… at least not in my life.

As I spent some time wrestling with peace this week, I was reminded of the hebrew idea of shalom. Shalom is more than peace – it is right relationship, right order, wholeness and harmony. And not in some fuzzy, hippie, feel good sense. You know how you look around and see that things are just out of whack? when you can’t figure out how to make things fit or you know in your gut that something is off… that is the lack of shalom. And an article by Bruce Birch caught my attention when he wrote that the opposite of shalom is chaos.

You see, as much as I thrive on this chaos… as much as I am comfortable with the way that I operate… that doesn’t mean it is good for me. The peace that I obtain as I work this way, as I play this way, as I love this way is not full. It is partial and it is grasping. But to open myself up to right priorities… to find balance in my life… to seek out order and a proper time for things… to allow God to guide me… to let go of some things and delegate others… maybe that could bring shalom. Maybe letting go of my comfortable chaos might help me to truly find the peace that passes all understanding.

How I end up finding this order in my life is a different question. It’s not enough to just pray about it. I am firmly of the belief that prayer also requires action on our behalf. I’ve already organized my pocketbook, so at least I’m starting somewhere. I consolidated all of my google calendars so that all of my appointments show up at the same time on my blackberry. But just ready to come to the surface is the realization that the way I do church has to radically change. I need to hand some things off. I need to let go and find people to take over a few things that may have been the pastor’s job in the past… like doing the newsletter… so that I can be freed up to do the things I am called to do. As much as I enjoy them. As much as I am comfortable doing them. They create chaos as I try to stuff everything in and clasp the darn thing shut. And letting it go might be the answer I’m looking for.