reverb10 – Salvaged Faith

a strange beauty… #reverb10

Posted on January 15, 2011Leave a comment

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A few days ago, I happened to catch an interview with Simone Dinnerstein on NPR. She has come out with an album that is an interpretation of Bach masterpieces for piano called “A Strange Beauty.” The pieces themselves are wondrous and in the interview she talked about how she almost invisions them as jazz compositions. The voices shift, there are notes that speak to her that are not a part of the melody, the little discrepencies that truly make these pieces different.

In the album notes, she quotes the scientist Sir Francis Bacon: “There is no excellent beauty that hath not some strangeness in the proportion.” The most beautiful things are not those that are symmetrical and perfect, but that draw our attention, make us slightly uncomfortable until we settle within it, creates a holy and beautiful disturbance in our souls.

December 8 – Beautifully Different. Think about what makes you different and what you do that lights people up. Reflect on all the things that make you different – you’ll find they’re what make you beautiful. (Author: Karen Walrond)

So what is that about me? What makes me a strange beauty? What are the qualities that stick out like a sore thumb, and yet are the reason people draw close?

It is a hard question to think about. I often want to leave these qualities for someone else to name, but this whole process is about self-reflection, about seeing ourselves the way others see us. So here is a list of what I have come up with:

My eagerness – foolish, naive, excited, passionate, unafraid. I’m willing to dive in, raise my hand, say yes before I have a chance to think about it. Part of this is my youth, but I think my congregation loves it in me because I inspire them to take chances as well.

My shoes – I have always loved shoes. I remember these platform mary janes I had in high school. Now, it is the red flats, the pointy toed, high heeled boots, the slip on suede privos… they share my personality for the day and are a conversation piece.

My inquisitive side – I always have questions. I always want to know more. Maybe this makes me strangely annoying rather than strangely beautiful.

My ability to see gray areas – I find myself straddling the line between positions. I see the pros and cons, but more than that, the passion and emotions with which people make their arguments. I am a peacemaker, a negotiator, and because of this, I almost never have “the answer.” It is not for a lack of confidence in my position, rather my love and passion for the process that has led others to their own.

My voice that developed very late – I was never a good singer growing up. My mom told me once that I was off key as we sang aloud in the car on a trip. I’m not sure I quite got over the sting of that until I was much older… I loved to sing out loud, whether I was good at it or not. In high school I took voice lessons, sang at competition, and never did well. My upper range had not developed and I was a very sad second alto because my very lower range wasn’t the best either. Sometime in college/seminary, I found my voice. This past year, I have sung solos twice in church. I have found a confidence and a passion in my voice I never knew I had. And I think the confidence is what makes my voice beautiful. I’m not afraid for people to hear me sing anymore.

stitch and bitch #reverb10

Posted on January 10, 20112 Comments

I first learned how to knit sitting next to my college president’s wife – Patty LaGree. We were hanging out in the lounge of the chapel and she taught a small group of us how to cast on and knit and purl. I was hooked (haha, no pun intended.)

I made a few things here and there, mostly really simple scarves.

But a year ago, I learned how to crochet at a young clergy retreat. I haven’t looked back.

There is something about holding that yarn and hook in your fingertips that is empowering. You can make mistakes. You can tear it all back out. You can leave the imperfections in. You can create beautiful, beautiful things with a few flicks of your wrist.

December 6 – Make. What was the last thing you made? What materials did you use? Is there something you want to make, but you need to clear some time for it? (Author: Gretchen Rubin)

So I got this bug to actually make something significant this year and have very nearly succeeded in crocheting three blankets – one for my neice and my two nephews.

I began all the way back in June at annual conference and have since carried these balls of yarn and hooks with me everywhere I go. They have been amazing ways to pass time at conferences and really do help me focus on what is going on.

The youngest one’s blanket… which I started first… is ALMOST finished. It was still in pieces at Christmas time when the other two recieved theirs. But I made significant progress on it today and it will hopefully be completed this evening… I’m really that close!!!

To see more pictures of each blanket look here

so long, farewell, auf wiedersehen… #reverb10

Posted on January 4, 2011Leave a comment

As a pastor, funerals are a part of my life. I help families and friends say good bye to loved ones all the time. This year, I also acted in some ways as a family chaplain and buried two people in my husband’s family. We really do have an important gap in the family Christmas now that his great-grandmother is gone. She was a tiny, tiny woman with an opinion as big as Texas. She let you know what she was thinking, all the time. She was ninety-nine years old and hospice care was such a blessing for her – pampering her and comforting her in those last couple of weeks of her life. We let go of her peacefully and with little pain in our hearts.

December 5 – Let Go. What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why?

In my pastoral life this year, however, it was not the deaths, but the goodbyes that impacted me the most. One good-bye in particular…

Photo by: Margan Zajdowicz

This summer, a stalwart of our congregation moved south to be with family. Wilda was always at the church. Always. She’d be tidying something up, folding bulletins, moving things around, making sure things were just right. She has a great little laugh and everyone always says she must be on roller skates – she’s able to get around to so many things in so little time.

While there are a few others who have that same kind of commitment to the congregation, losing any one of them leaves a gap in what we are able to accomplish. They often say that 10% of the people do 90% of the work… well, I know that is true and when you are a church as small as we are – those 10% are vital!!!

We get lovely calls from Wilda and her life is warm and good down south with her family. But we do miss her colloquialisms, like ” in a coon’s age.” And we miss her morning glory muffins and her peanut butter pie. And the youth group misses her sliced apples (they really are just sliced apples… but I never seem to have the time to get the whole big bowl of them ready).

This congregation has become a family to me, and anytime we say goodbye to someone, there is a small bit of pain and longing. But it was our time to let go of her and let her retire and be among her family and watch her grandkids and great-grandkids grow up.

walking on sunshine #reverb10

Posted on January 3, 2011Leave a comment

This prompt is HARD!!! First of all, I took a lot of pictures this year, so that was problem number one not a lot with me in them! Second, there are so many different “mes” I have tried to be this year. But In answer to the prompt:

December 25 – Photo – Sift through all the photos of you from the past year. Choose one that best captures you; either who you are, or who you strive to be. Find the shot of you that is worth a thousand words. Share the image, who shot it, where, and what it best reveals about you. (Author: Tracey Clark)

It is not a flattering picture of myself… but it is me and my husband out on the water, enjoying the sun. I’m sure it is one that we took ourselves by holding out the camera. The sunglasses are on, the tongues are out – a sure sign of a good time and silliness, the air is warm, and we are with family enjoying ourselves.

What I see in this picture is life, energy, and fun.

This is the source of the passion I can bring to my ministry. It is what allows me to recharge my batteries. Whether it is Hawaii with my mom’s family or out on the river or the lake with my husband’s family, disc golfing in the summer… just being outside, enjoying the creation, letting other people take care of you and taking care of others is important.

What I want is for 2011 to have just as many of these kinds of moments, if not more. Times to truly relax and to be myself. Moments to let go and be silly. Days when I am not on call and don’t have to be anywhere… because they make those days when I do have to be there for others so much easier.

My first choice would have to be:

twinkle, twinkle, little star #reverb10

Posted on January 2, 2011Leave a comment

Last night…. well, this morning… I drove home at 3:00am in the morning from a friend’s party. It was about four degrees outside and the sky was absolutley clear. The air was crisp and clean and the stars were so bright and vivid that you felt you could reach out and literally pluck them from the sky. I almost had to pull over the car just to look and gaze upon the sight… but I knew if I stopped at that hour I would most certainly fall asleep!

December 4 – Wonder. How did you cultivate a sense of wonder in your life this year? (Author: Jeffrey Davis)

It has not been difficult in 2010 to really grasp a sense of wonder at this world. Everywhere I look around me I see these miraculous and beatiful signs of God’s power and the beauty of creation.

The other evening we had seven deer in my back yard eating acorns. I stopped at the bathroom window and watched them with amazement for fifteen minutes instead of brushing my teeth.

I was driving to my parents house and I saw a bald eagle soaring through the air and in between the trees. Good thing it was a straight road or I would have driven off it!

My nephew’s little tiny smiles and giggles knock me over flat. My neice’s expressions stop my heart. The things my older nephew comes up with make me want to wrap him up in my arms and never let him go.

The sunset one evening as I walked around the local park was so spectacular that I pulled out my phone and captured it to remmeber forever.

The waves crashing in one after the other on the west side of Oahu absolutely stunned me. The sky was a brilliant blue, the sun was blazing and the white churning sea dazzled. I could have sat there and watched them for hours.

The intense feeling of reconnection and the amazing discovery that I love spending time with my parents as an adult child and a friend.

The warmth of a cat’s body curled up and nestled into yours when you are sick or sleeping, cold or lonely.

The thrill of a storm lurking on the horizon and the shades of gray and green that pass over the sky as the wind picks up and the rain starts to pour and the lightening streaks against the sky

You just have to look.

You only have to pay attention.

There are so many things to wonder at in this world.

Anne (with an ‘e’) #reverb10

Posted on January 2, 20112 Comments

One of my favorite television series/movies of all time is Anne of Green Gables. I must admit, rather sheepishly, that I have NOT read the books. I need to. I know I do. They will be my first purchase when I get an e-reader. I promise. (I actually began typing this post before Christmas… got busy and never finished it. I am pleased to report that not only do I now have a kindle… but I also was able to get the Anne of Green Gables books for free!!!! I’m 73% of the way through the first book!)

A scene that always captures my attention is when Anne stands before Marilla Cuthburt for the first time and introduces herself.

“Would you please call me Cordelia?”

“Call you Cordelia? Is that your name?”

“No, but please call me that. Cordelia is such a romantic name.”

December 23 – New Name Let’s meet again, for the first time. If you could introduce yourself to strangers by another name for just one day, what would it be and why? (Author: Becca Wilcott)

I am absolutely stumped for a response.

I have never thought about what my name would be if it was not Katie.

I have always been a Katie. It was the name given to me at my birth. I will always be a Katie.

Not a Katherine, not a Kathleen, not a Katarina…

I am Katie.

Well, that’s not entirely true. In the first grade, we had three “Katie”s in my class. And so we became Katie M., Katie W., and Katie Z.

Since then I have always been Katie Z. No one could pronounce my last name anyway, so Katie Z. stuck.

Even in marriage, I couldn’t let go of the Z. For so long in my life it has been who I am. It is a part of me, too. I couldn’t decide if I should do two last names, or change my middle name, but I liked my family middle name of “Marie” – so now I have two middle names – and since I never signed with my middle name anways, I sign all of my checks “Katie Z. Dawson”

I am Katie Z.

And now that I am in the ministry, I have to say that my name has evolved again.

Pastor Katie is what everyone calls me. It is how I answer the phone when a call comes in to the office. Sometimes I even catch myself answering my cell phone that way – even if it is a friend or a family member calling.

So Pastor Katie is who I am now also.

I really cannot imagine myself with another name. One thing that I have thought of is whether “Katie” is a little juvenille sounding… it has that “ee” sound at the end, like “billy” or “susie” might. So, without having much scope for the imagination myself (sorry Anne, that’s why I have to read your books, instead of just imagining things up myself), I think that the first “new name” I would like to try would simply be “Kate.” So boring.

So then I googled “top 100 names” – I’m not having a really creative sort of day today, am I?! And I found this “renamer” based on characteristics about yourself. I hated every single name that came up on the first round. Every single one. I got only slightly better luck on the second round… but then saw one of my names was “Bernice” and that is what we named my best friend’s extensions last night. Doh.

I give up. What do you think is a better name for me?

Dead or Alive… #reverb10

Posted on December 18, 20101 Comment

In March of this year, my mom’s whole family traveled to Hawaii together. It’s not the first time we have made the trip and it certainly won’t be the last. It is sort of an extended family reunion that happens every few years – all beginning when I was only five years old!

Our time is spent mainly on the island of Oahu and we have seen quite a bit of that area! Two years ago, however, we learned about a hike we had never attempted before: a trail up the back side of Koko Head Crater.

My brothers and my husband and I were determined that this spring, we were going to do that hike.

December 3 – Moment. Pick one moment during which you felt most alive this year. Describe it in vivid detail (texture, smells, voices, noises, colors). (Author: Ali Edwards)

Now, for a little background information. We had been told that this particular hike was a bit more difficult than some of the other ones we had accomplished – like Diamond Head Crater. But we weren’t quite aware of how much more difficult it actually would be!

Our first problem was that we got on the wrong bus. We could see the crater rising up in the distance ahead of us and knew where we were trying to get (kind of), and thought we knew how to get there. The only problem was, the bus we hopped on didn’t go the direction we thought it was supposed to on that particular day. So we got off at what looked like a close location and decided to hoof it the rest of the way to the park outside the crater.

We dressed appropriately for climbing… tanks and shorts, carrying the only id’s and money we needed in our little camera pouch. My brother had enough foresight to purchase a huge bottle of water. Our tennis shoes were broken in. We were ready.

And so we walked. And walked. And walked. I think we must have covered a good mile and a half before we eventually found our way through the residential neighborhood to the small little park at the base of the crater. And then we had to walk some more to get to the trail. And then, we stopped to look up.

Looming before us was the straightest, steepest path I had ever seen in my life. But it had stairs… how hard could it be?

I think I made it to the first light pole of the 15 that were on the side of the mountain and I wanted to die. My thighs ached. I was breathing hard. My face was flush. Seriously, was I really that out of shape?

I made it two more and thought I might actually die.

I made it to the halfway point and gave up. For about a minute. And then my husband and my brother made me go ahead of them so that they could keep pushing me on and let me set the pace.

We stopped and rested. We breathed in deep. We let the hot sun bake our skin. And we took in the amazing views.

We went a little farther. And then I was certain that death was imminent. There was absolutely no way that I would make it. At step 900 I knew I was toast.

In this time, of course, locals who used this path often went up the trail and back down again. Young people were running it. This one group of teenagers came jogging down, one of them riding on another’s back. Kids were having an easier go of it than I was.

I think the moment of frustration came when we met this 60+ year old guy who did the trail three times a week. There he went trotting his way up the crater… and there he came back down again.

I had to keep going. My sides were aching, my lungs were heaving, but I was going to do it.

And then that moment came when I placed one foot on top of the other and actually made it to the top of the crater.

The view was phenomenal. We could see ocean all around us – Waikiki far off in the distance – the island of Molakai barely on the horizon. The sky was overcast, yet sunlight poured down upon us. The ocean was deep blue and turqouise and capped with these ripples of waves as far as the eye could see.

The air was salty and clean… although that salt smell may have been my sweaty armpits. My face was flush with exhaustion and I’m sure that I was bright red, but there at the top the sun didn’t beat down so hard and the breeze cooled our spirits.

Looking down into the lush crater below were the rich greens of a rainforest and botanical garden – such a stark contrast to the brown, dusty and scraggly trail we had just followed. The waters of Hanauma Bay glistened like diamonds in front of us and just beyond it, we could make out the puffs of air as a group of whales swam by.

The entire world was so small and seemed a lifetime away. It was hard to put into words just how far we had come… how my life had been transformed in moments from near death (at least in my imagination) to this glorious experience of the fullness of life.

I didn’t dare sit down, because I might never have been able to get up again. But I drank in some of that hot and nearly empty water bottle and I stood there taking it all in. I felt like I could accomplish anything… anything except maybe making it back down that trail.

Don’t Try… DO! #reverb10

Posted on December 18, 2010Leave a comment

For me, the word try has some negative connotations. As in – if you are trying to do something, you aren’t really, actually, doing it.
Kaileen Elise challegned us today:

December 18 – Try What do you want to try next year? Is there something you wanted to try in 2010? What happened when you did / didn’t go for it?

My mind is a wash of a lot of things that I want to do, see, learn in the next year. I want to learn how to play the guitar. I want to lose 15 lbs and tone up some muscles and maintain that physique. I want to take writing more seriously. Professionally speaking, I want to empower my laity so that I don’t have to write the agendas for all of our meetings. I want a deeper relationship with God through prayer and stillness. I want to spend more time with my family

But as I think about all of those things, nothing strikes me as something to try at… either I’m going to do them, or I’m not.

So trying… what would I want to try? What would I want to explore? What do I want to collisally fail at? What do I want to take a chance on and see if maybe, possibly, I like it? What kind of one-shot experience do I want for 2011?

I have to admit, I wasn’t feeling very creative when I started thinking about this. In fact, I avoided the prompt all day long hoping for some inspiration. Finally, I got desperate. I googled… don’t laugh… “things to try.”

And I found a bunch of really interesting stuff!!!

First up, 10 frugal things to try before you die. I have to admit – I’ve done a number of these things already. Goodwill and Stuff,Etc. are staples for bargain hunting clothes. I’ve also been dumpster diving before. And I regularly try to salvage the fruits and veggies in my fridge that are going a little south…. maybe that’s not the same thing as “slumming” it… but it’s close! I can sew, knit, and crochet. So I’m doing pretty good on this list. Although, the drip tray pint might be an adventure that I can add to my list?

Next, Things to try at Wal-Mart when you are bored. Self-explanatory. But nothing that I really want to do… maybe if I were ten years younger.

There are a ton of bucket-lists out there, including this one, and this one, and oh yeah, this one.

Some highlights on those – things that actually might be possible for me in the next year:

have your portrait painted… I’ve never done this – not even those cartoon drawings at Adventureland.
run a marathon… How about run a 5k -that’s definately something to add to my list.
make love on the kitchen floor… yep.
make a hole in one… I don’t golf (oh, that’s another one to add to the list) – but I do disc golf and making an ace would be amazing… it’s definately something to try and shoot for!
play a round of golf… see above.
be someone’s mentor… being a young person, that hasn’t really been an opportunity for me yet – except there is this thing called reverse mentoring and a colleage and I are going to do it this next year
visit New York City… definately on my list. In fact, I would like to take a trip to the northeast in general this next year.
go skiing… I have never been snow skiing in my life. That’s a great thing I could try next year.
fly first class… this would definately be fun. something to experience, something I can probably afford to do only once =)
wear more dresses… I love dresses, but finding good ones that are staples for a wardrobe is hard – this might be a fun thing to try!
cook with herbs from my own garden… I have yet to grow herbs and this would be an awesome thing to try for next year!
try to cook a national food… this one inspired me to think about getting the kolach recipe from my recipe box and actually attempting to bake them myself.

Hmm… that’s a pretty good list of things to try! Possible things. Fun things. Some of them easy to accomplish. Some of them that might take some planning.

Is there anything like that from 2010?

Probably hiking up Koko Head Crater. It was something I always wanted to do and I finally did it, barely. That’s something I’ve talked about in a few of these other reverb10 posts.

I sang a solo in church, twice this year, which was quite an accomplishment for me. It was a little scary, but I actually did it! The first time was for a Good Friday Tenebrae service, and the second time I busted out a song as a part of my sermon – a capella!!!

Another big accomplishment for me this year is that I decided to try and make a full scale blanket by crocheting/knitting. It was a huge success and I’m now working on number three!!! A big step up from the scarves – which were my only prior attempts.