reverb10 – Page 2 – Salvaged Faith

Jumping Through Hoops #reverb10

Posted on December 17, 2010Leave a comment

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I came late to this Reverb10 party, so I have been trying to do some catch-up on the prompts. And I found myself absolutely stuck. frozen. unable to think or move or do. I was floored by my inability to respond to some of these prompts.

December 17 – Lesson Learned What was the best thing you learned about yourself this past year? And how will you apply that lesson going forward? (Author: Tara Weaver)

The best thing I learned this year has taken me a long time to learn… all the way until this morning in fact. I was sitting here thinking about why this reflection stuff has been so incredibly difficult and I realize it is because I have not really been paying attention to my own life. I learned this morning that I have spent an entire year jumping through hoops.

That doesn’t mean that there weren’t incredibly high and incredibly low moments along the way. It doesn’t mean that I haven’t been engaged in a number of important things. But on a day to day basis, I have let my life go on without giving it much thought. I haven’t taken the time to figure out what is important and so there wasn’t always time for family or friends. I spent many days drifting along doing what I needed to do, instead of taking a hold of my life and really living it.

I did all the things I was supposed to. I did what was asked of me. I did a few things that I wanted to. In fact, I was juggling an awful lot of hoops at various times this year. I was often rushing from this to that with barely time to breath in between… so when I finally did stop, I crashed. In the midst of it all, I took a few chances – and those small moments glimmer in the sea of fuzzy gray that was my life this year.

How did I let this whole year slip away without learning how to play guitar? without painting the walls in my house? without having the long and hard conversation about children with my husband? without finally taking my health seriously and losing some weight? without reading those ten books on the shelf?

I took my life this year day by day. I did what I had to do for the day and put those other things off to another time. And that time never came. I jumped through the hoop and then I turned right back around and jumped through the hoop again. Over and over and over without getting anywhere.

So next year, in 2011, no more hoop jumping. I am taking charge of my life. I’m not going to be afraid. I’m not going to put something off until tomorrow. I’m going to figure out the few things that are really important and make room for them. I’m going to take that hoop and thrown it far ahead – challenge myself, set goals – real goals, and accomplish them.

I’m not going to let another year of my life slip through my fingers.

Long-Distance Friendships #reverb10

Posted on December 16, 2010Leave a comment

Being a pastor in a small town makes it really hard to build and maintain friendships.

Well, maybe that should be rephrased… makes it really hard to build and maintain the kind of friendships where you get to actually spend face to face time with one another.

In college, I lived in a small intentional community of folks with shared perspectives. We had a ton of fun – but we also studied together, we ate together, we did stuff in the community with one another.

In seminary, I had an amazing group of friends, both men and woman again, who I was surrounded by daily. There were the folks I had coffee with at Brueggers, the women I had drinks and pizza with on Tuesdays, my ministry intern colleages, my roommates, Glenn and Maggie… life was full of people my own age who were all doing the same kinds of things together.

I move to this little town back in Iowa, and suddenly I feel like my husband and I are the only single people under thirty. I know that’s not absolutely true – but I just don’t see other folks. We don’t have children, so I don’t meet them through school events, and we don’t have the same interests as parents do. As a pastor, I don’t feel comfortable going and hanging out at the bars – and to be honest, that really isn’t our style anyways. It isn’t totally appropriate to be friends and hang out with parishoners, and those are the only other folks I really get to meet.

That’s not to say that we don’t have other friendships. We have a group of guy friends (and Pam) who we hang out with pretty regularly. But the closest one of them lives 45 minutes away. Those college friends are clustered in Des Moines – an hour and a half away – and then far flung across the nation. My high school friends – who I keep in pretty regular contact with – are all across the country as well…

December 16 – Friendship How has a friend changed you or your perspective on the world this year? Was this change gradual, or a sudden burst? (Author: Martha Mihalick)

I was honored to officiate the wedding of two of those college friends this summer. And then I attended a conference in Des Moines in the fall and made a point to hang out with that same group of people. We got together for dinner. We hung out in the evenings. We laughed until our sides hurt. We told stories and caught up.

Being around those friends… watching them interact and seeing how their relationships have developed through this close knit interaction… was awesome. Every week they were together – often more frequently than that. They watched television together. They ate together. Their lives were intertwined.

When your nearest friend lives 45 minutes away… (yeah, Tree – I know you live closer on the weekends, but you have your own relationship to tend to!!) it is difficult to intertwine your life with someone. You can’t just show up on their doorstep. It takes gas money and energy and an extra hour and a half of driving just to hang out. You can’t walk home from Margarita Mondays when you have traveled that far 😉

I think watching them all interact and also being so welcomed back into that community, was a revelation for me. The switch from this life full of young people to this little town in Iowa was sudden… but I didn’t notice the changes because I was so busy adapting to a new vocation and making a home here. Being around all of them was like a burst of fresh air. We were adults, full of life, enjoying the company of good friends and the simple things in life (Captain Crunch Sushi, anyone?) I need those friends in my life again.

A Writer? #reverb10

Posted on December 16, 2010Leave a comment

I’m not sure that I really consider myself a writer.

Or at least, I haven’t considered it before.

When I make a list of hobbies and things I like to do, writing never makes an appearance.

When I talk about the things that I am good at, I have never thought to include writing.

But, dammit, I am a good writer! (or should that be “I write well” – ugh – I have never claimed to be an expert grammatically, and probably never will)

Over the last three years as a pastor, I have probably written more pages worth of thoughts than I did my entire college career. I wrote a lot in seminary – so I probably haven’t overcome that work yet… but I’m getting there!

It is a completely different sort of writing, however. I’m writing not for a teacher and not an academic paper, but I am writing for an audience. I am writing things that are meant to be read. I am writing things that I read/preach out loud – writing that becomes spoken and heard by many. I write for everyday folks. I write to make connections with other people and to bring things to life. And besides the sermon writing I do – and many times I would include sermons, also – I write because it brings me enjoyment.

And I love doing it. I love bringing together different sorts of situations and concepts and making connections. I love telling some one’s story – whether it is someone in scripture or a stranger who has passed away. I love to write! I AM A WRITER!!!

So when I think about the prompt for December 2:

Writing. What do you do each day that doesn’t contribute to your writing — and can you eliminate it?(Author: Leo Babauta)

I think first and foremost that I do (did) not believe I am a writer.

And if I don’t think of myself as a writer on a daily basis, then I do not practice my craft. I don’t work on it. I don’t give myself time to write. I see it as something in the background, rather than a central part of who I am.

I have tried at various times to be a musician and a chef and an artist and to play guitar and to sing and what not… some of those things I can do – and am getting better at doing the more I do it. But I think if I look at all of those things, nothing really gives me the kind of satisfaction that I receive when I sit down and let my thoughts pour out. None of them have allowed me to connect with other people the way that my writing does.

What I appreciate the most about this whole reverb10 enterprise is the fact that I am discovering so much about myself. I’m letting go of doubts and self-denial and I’m just taking the risk. I’m putting it out there. And it feels so freakin’ good to say it!

I am a writer! And I can’t wait to see where this realization takes me.

one word: lonely #reverb10

Posted on December 15, 20101 Comment

The only way for your life to be different is if you take a good hard look at it and figure out what exactly needs to change. And my life needs a good hard look right now.

In some ways, I am feeling a little snarky as I write this. I am kind of in an off mood. So this might not be the chipper Katie that you sometimes hear from.

Charged with this task:

December 1 – One Word. Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you? (Author: Gwen Bell)

I have to admit that this has been a really strange year. If I look back on it all and try to capture it in one word – that word would have to be lonely.

I pick that word, because it captures both the way I have felt and the way I didn’t feel.

In the midst of community and people, in the midst of a marriage and a family, in the midst of lots of people and relationships – there have been so many days where I have felt incredibly alone.

Alone because who I am makes me different from other people. As a pastor, I am apart from my congregation. As a woman, I am apart from my male colleauges in ministry. As a young person, I am apart in the midst of gatherings of older folks at meetings. As a person of faith, I am apart when we gather with friends who are not. As someone who is not a mother among family members who have kids and grandkids. And sometimes as the conversation gets rolling, I feel very lonely… even in the midst of community. I long for people like me to talk with. I realize just how alone I am.

At the same time, I have tried in many ways to combat that loneliness. Our young clergy lunches have been a beacon of community and fellowship. My online connections through facebook and twitter and my writing have provided an outlet and a place to find familiar voices. I am learning to find those common places with older folks and men and parishoners and friends that I can hold on to when I start to feel lonely again.

I also have learned in some ways to be okay with the loneliness. Running was an outlet for a while – although the weather is colder and I got lazy and that stopped. Crocheting has become a powerful way to be with myself… something to keep my hands and therefore my mind busy.

I have all of this talk about being lonely and I wonder if anyone out there reading would think that I am single. I am not. I’m married to a wonderful guy – but even in marriage there is loneliness. That is not something I expected. I didn’t expect the days when our schedules didn’t match up and the house was empty. I didn’t expect the days when we were both so busy doing our own thing that we barely talked. We each have our own little corners of the house: his office and for me, well I move around between my office and the couch and whatever other warm little nook seems appealing that day. I didn’t expect that our working lives would be so compartmentalized from one another. And I didn’t expect that we would have no children.

That last one is probably my number one source of loneliness. Just the two of us doesn’t quite seem to be enough for me. I want little laughter rippling through the house. I want teasing and tickling and the grumbles of a child who doesn’t want to eat their peas. I want family gathered around our dining room table. I want stuffed animals lying around that children forgot to put away. I want to be woken up in the morning by kisses and tears. I want to tuck someone into bed at night.

This year I realized that our cats – as much as I love and adore them – cannot replace children in my life. And while Tiki and Turbo provide immense happiness and companionship, they are not mine in the same way.

Not having a family makes me very lonely.

All of that being said – what word would I want to represent the next year of my life?

I cannot make children come into my life. It may not be a reality for next year. But I do want family to take absolute priority. I want to find new ways to be family with congregation members. I want to take my own family more seriously and less for granted. I want to talk with my brothers and sisters more often. I want to spend more afternoons with my mom and dad and in-laws. I want to go on more dates with my husband. I want those relationships to be more important than anything else. I want next year to be about family.

Both/And #reverb10

Posted on December 12, 2010Leave a comment

Being a fan of postmodern/emergent sorts of thoughts, I dig the “both/and.” Down with dichotomies. Yay for integration.

This year, when did you feel the most integrated with your body? Did you have a moment where there wasn’t mind and body, but simply a cohesive YOU, alive and present?

What an amazing question!

Looking back on the journey of this year, there are two moments that really stand out as moments when I moved past the artificial distinction between my spirit and body and really claimed the fullness of who God created me to be.

The first would be my ordination. So much of that day was surreal. It was so large and expansive and crowded and yet intimate and personal. My biological family and my church family came together to celebrate the day with me. And kneeling up there with my mentors pressed in close around me, with three bishops’ hands grabbing a hold of me, I felt bodily the spirit that is within me. “Take authority!” came the voice and the spiritual calling and the physical person became one. The feel of the linen cassocks, the brilliant reds of the stoles, the warmth of the hands, the weight, the smell of bodies and perfumes, the light, the word being proclaimed, the touch of the bible under my fingers… each of those experiences of my senses was intensely spiritual and holy.

The second moment is a bit more casual. At a training session for the church, five folks gathered together at lunch. We were lamenting the fact that we had rushed through the process and felt like we were fumbling. We had come up with a theme – a launching point – a framework – for this process we were leading the congregation through and it had flopped. It was forced. It didn’t work. And we let go of it.

We sat there at lunch, near the warmth of the fire blazing at Pictured Rocks Camp, and we let the Spirit take over. As we waited and listened and ate – we realized that eating is a spiritual discipline for our congregation. Food is holy. It brings us together. The physical and the spiritual are one. And when we got our own perspectives out of the way and made room for God it was amazing. We transformed our entire process during that half an hour.

Taking out the Trash…#reverb10

Posted on December 11, 20101 Comment

I have not really followed the prompts for Reverb before – but from what I have caught wind of, they are daily prompts that help us to “reflect on this year and manifest what’s next.”

I could seriously use some regularly scheduled reflection in my life, so even though I am late to the party, I’m joining in.

Today’s prompt:

What are 11 things your life doesn’t need in 2011? How will you go about eliminating them? How will getting rid of these 11 things change your life?

It’s a good question. It actually takes me back to the lectionary gospel passage from last Sunday and the announcement of John the Baptist.

“I’m baptizing you here in the river, turning your old life in for a kingdom life. The real action comes next: The main character in this drama—compared to him I’m a mere stagehand—will ignite the kingdom life within you, a fire within you, the Holy Spirit within you, changing you from the inside out. He’s going to clean house—make a clean sweep of your lives. He’ll place everything true in its proper place before God; everything false he’ll put out with the trash to be burned.” (The Message)

Everything false, Christ will put out with the trash. He’s making a clean sweep. Watch out clutter and mistakes and useless things. Your time is up.

What is it in my life that needs to be cleaned out? What can I metaphorically put out with the trash or send to the curb with the recycling?

1) Whining: I am a whiner. Not to most people… mostly just to my husband. I whine about things when they aren’t going my way. I’m going to stop. I’m going to start appreciating what I have and not complain so much when things are tough. Lots of prayers for the fruits of the spirit to sprout in my life… a little patience, gentleness, kindness, joy, and self-control would help. Get to work Holy Spirit!

2) Grocery Shopping Hungry: I make poor food choices when I go grocery shopping when I am hungry. I am going to work on creating a list of meals for the week and buying the appropriate food items. No more wasting money on the celery that we won’t really eat and will just go bad in the fridge.

3) The Weekly Planner on my fridge: We don’t use it. It takes up the whole freaking fridge. Why have something that isn’t helping? That’s just mocking me for not doing the work to plan.

4) Baby pressure: I just want the baby pressure to go away. I want the questions about when and if and how soon to stop. I want my own internal biological clock to quit ticking for a bit. I’m not sure how to get rid of it… but my life could be a bit more focused if it wasn’t around. Maybe if I simply learn to delight in other’s children and pregnancies and stop worrying so much about my own.

5) Meetings for the sake of meetings: As the pastor, I’m going to refuse to attend a meeting that has no purpose. I’m going to refuse to host a meeting that has no purpose. If we don’t have things to talk about, we aren’t going to meet. But I’m also going to work on empowering my leadership to take control of these meetings and to bring things to share…

6) Lying: I think my number one biggest temptation for sin is fibbing. Telling a little half-truth so that I don’t hurt someone or so that I can get away with something. We all have our weaknesses and this is mine. My life doesn’t need it anymore. It makes everything so much harder in the long run and it hurts people. And it feels crappy. No more lying in 2011… okay?

7) Days spent watching food network or any other channel for that matter: On my days off, I tend to plop down and watch silly television. I’m not really going to cook most of that food. There is awesome music in the world to listen to. I could use the time to knit/crochet, write, read (which I definitely need to do more of), instead of filling my head with food and silly stories.

8) Weeks spent without talking with family: My immediate family has not made the time to spend together this past year. We all have our excuses and it’s not that we are having any problems or anything else. We are just busy folks. And I miss them. So I’m going to make it a point to make sure I talk with each of them once a week.

9) Hesitation: I am a waffler. I hesitate sometimes because I take the time to think about all of the angles and possibilities and how everyone will feel about a decision. But most of the time, I hesitate because I doubt myself. I’m going to stop hesitating and just trust myself more next year.

10) Free food: I love the fact that my parishioners love me. I love all of the wonderful gifts they give me. But there are many things I take home that I honestly will not eat. Or shouldn’t eat. And there is so much food brought to the church that goes straight to my hips. So I am going to feel free to turn down food next year. I’m going to make healthier decisions. If we aren’t going to eat it, I’m going to make sure someone else gets it. I’ll use it as an opportunity to visit a shut-in and share the bounty. But just because it’s offered, doesn’t mean it has to come to my house.

11) Days without prayer and stillness:I let too many days start without stopping to rest in God. In 2011 – my days will all begin in prayer and stillness.