Quiet Christmas Morning

This has been a really difficult Advent and Christmas season for me.  It is the time of light and hope and joy and peace, but I’m not quite there yet.

I want to be there.  I long for the coming of true light and true hope-filled promises and true joy and true peace.  I guess I did much better in the Advent time of waiting and preparation than I am on this Christmas morning.   It’s quiet here, except for the wind rushing through the trees.  And it seems a little lonely and sad.  But for some reason, that suits how my spirit is.  I am immensely grateful that I’m not surrounded at this moment by the chaos of presents being opened and sqeals of joy.  That doesn’t exactly fit with my picture of the first Christmas anyways.

No, on that first Christmas… that first time that we celebrated the birth of this holy child… the first time God was worshipped in human form… was (to translate a little)… was in a dirty barn.  At least that’s how the story goes in Luke.  And it was just Mary and Joseph and the sheep and goats and cattle and birds in the rafters.  It probably smelled like shit… not evergreen. 

In the middle of the night, some shepherds rushed in.  They came from the fields and were dusty – but hey they fit right in.  And they walked in with their lanterns and sat down and told their story.  I imagine Mary and Joseph were terrified at first and though they were about to be robbed…. and then were amazed… and comforted that they weren’t crazy… that God really did have a purpose for this special child. 

And then the shepherds left. And it was quiet again.  Just Mary and Joseph and the Christ Child…. and the sheep and goats and cattle.

We don’t hear about angels visiting the holy family that first night.  We don’t hear about any other guests.  The wisemen probably didn’t appear until a year or two later.  It was on this night that the star appeared and they first started their quest. 

No, it was quiet, and dark, and probably cold and still.  Worship was a story of glorious revelation and quiet adoration of an infant.  Maybe some bread was shared. And when morning came – when the hustle and bustle of the world began again and that village woke up… I bet no one had any idea what had taken place. 

Mary and Joseph started over in Bethlehem… found a place to stay… and after some time had passed and the child started crawling and then teetering around some crazy dudes from the east showed up…. but that’s a story for another day.

My prayers are with all of you who are busy and chaotic this morning.  My prayers are with all of you who are alone for the first time in many years.  My prayers are with you who are always alone on this morning.  May we each find peace and joy and hope and love and light in some quiet corner of this morning.  And may we remember that first Christmas.

focus.

Last night I watched Julie & Julia.  And as an amateur blogger, I thought a lot about one of the key pieces of her success – she had a focus. She knew what she wanted to do and by golly was going to do it.  And she had a process for doing it.

I tend to just throw out thoughts and see what sticks.  I haven’t disciplined myself very well at all as far as blogging goes.  But, a new year is coming up and with that, maybe a new regimine. 
I have a couple of thoughts.
1) organize my posts according to architectural themes and categorize them better.  The architectural thing comes from the idea of things being salvaged, like old wood that is reclaimed to create something new. 

2) have a daily post framework… I’ve been toying with:
      Lectionary Monday

      Tumblr Tuesday (things I have read on the web in the past week)
      Blue Couch Wednesday (vocation, family, life in general)
      Theology Thursday
      Television Friday
      Recipe Saturday

Anyone else struggle with the same things and how do you go about organizing your thoughts?

the blue couch

In my last post I mentioned really connecting, even if for a short time, with my host in Indy.  And as we talked about some of her decor, we talked about antiques and things passed down, and then she brought up the movie The Red Violin.
I haven’t actually seen it, yet, but she said it’s the story of how this violin traveled through war and love and hat and across continents and the journey that it took.  And instantly, I realized that I had found something that I have been looking for a very long time.
There have been lots of times when I have had to share my autobiography in my ordination and educational processes.  But I realized to really share that story – not because I had to, but as a means of helping other young women know that they weren’t crazy as they tried to figure this whole ministry and calling thing, I would want to write a book. It would include my vocational journey, my relationship with B, my own self-discoveries – but I never could figure out where to start?  How would I do it?  I could just start writing – which is kind of where my blog has sprung out of, but it hasn’t had the focus and direction I’ve wanted.
On this trip I also picked up and read (in one short 35 minute sitting) Becca Stevens, Funeral for a Stranger, and marveled at how she used the one experience to talk about so many different things… it was the vehicle for the rest of her tale.
And then I heard about The Red Violin. And I found it.  I found what I couldn’t figure out.
Brandon and I have this modern, down, cat-scratched, taped, misshapen, used and abused blue couch.  We have dragged it everywhere.  We got it for free from a business that was throwing it out and for 8+ years it has journeyed with us.  And as I’ve made mistakes and gotten things right and said yes and said no and finally ended up as a minister in Iowa, I’ve dragged that couch along with me.
I have a title. I have an outline.  Someday I may sit down and try to actually write the thing.

pastoral discoveries

So – my last post kind of cryptically talked about growing and stretching and being challenged and stressed. As I’m wading around in all of that still, I thought it would be good to talk about some of the things that Im learning about what it means to be a pastor in the midst of it.

1) It’s okay to not answer your phone. At our Healthy Ministerial Relations workshop we talked about boundaries and many people shared that they turn their phone off on their sabbath days. I wouldn’t do that simply because my cell phone is also my personal phone – but I did remember that advice when I recieved five phone calls from church folk on Sunday afternoon. I didn’t have my pastor hat on then – I was being a sister and was helping paint my brother-in-laws new house. So I let the calls go to voice mail. And then I listened to see if they were important. And then I let it wait. When I started my day on Monday – I called each one of them back. And while initially I felt kind of guilty about doing so, it was a reminder that I don’t have to be “on” 24-7.

2) Why do pledge drives/stewardship campaigns have to be in November? With how busy our lives are right now it just seems like one more thing on top of every other thing. I think for the most part we like the connection of offering and thanksgiving and consecration all going together, but there is no time left. We are now talking about pushing all of that back to January. We don’t use our pledges to make our budget anyways because we don’t have enough history with them. What difference would it make if as a congregation we commit to support the church at the end of January instead of the end of November? Plus – it gives us the opportunity to really push our small group study and having a “new year, new finances” kind of focus might work out really well!

3) Rookie mistake – don’t talk to reporters. And especially don’t talk to people when you really don’t have time. As I was finishing up the funeral orders – about 15 minutes before the family was scheduled to arrive – I got a phone call that I really didn’t have time to answer. I told him I didn’t have time to talk, and was trying to show that I had no information that could help him, but in my rush to get on with my business, and because I had no idea what he was talking about I said something that was taken out of context in the article. Note to everyone else: just say no comment. (see also #1 – it’s okay not to answer the phone and screen the calls through voicemail)

4) Your support network keeps you sane… or at least helps you let off steam. Without my best friends and facebook, without my brothers/sisters (in-laws too), and without being honest and vulnerable with my congregation, some of this week might have been unbearable. But because we talked (and typed) and prayed and hugged and watched football, we got through it.

5) You have to keep the joys and thanksgivings at the front. I carried around the pictures of my new nephew and showed him to lots of people this week – it gave me a chance to celebrate in the midst of the stress.

6) Sometimes you can get away with swearing during a sermon. At the funeral this week, the family didn’t want to get up and speak, but had some things that they wanted me to include. And so I said them – and it cut to the heart of who this guy was and everyone understood and I didn’t get any snide looks from anyone who thought it was inappropriate.

7) Once you use powerpoint in a sermon, you may never go back.  I preached on the three major atonement theories in worship on Sunday and used visuals/bullet points.  I had so many positive comments that now I’m wondering how we can adapt the technology in our worship space to make it easier to continue doing so.

breathe in, breathe out

My life has been a little bit insane lately.

As a pastor, as a wife, as a daughter, as an aunt, as a sister, as a home… well, home-occupier. Every facet of my life has pulled me and stretched me and stressed me out and brought me joy and helped me to grow and made me happy.  All in the short two week span between October 1 and October 15.

I’ve met with families of loved ones who have died. I have wrestled with divorce and separation and legal battles in the church and in my family – and the heartache that comes from just wanting to make all of those things better and just wanting people to love one another yet again pr at the very least to stop hurting one another so badly and not being able to do anything. 

I’ve waded through mistakes and miscommunications and “I’m sorry”s and “I love you”s and apologies and goal setting and covenants and unworthiness and unconditional love and communion and meetings and singing and laughter and tears and anger and worry and muddy dirt roads and chicken noodle soup and piles of paper and paint stores and hugs and stories and fumbles and touchdowns and …

I’m exhausted. But this afternoon I get to go and meet the newest addition to our family.  And tomorrow I get to hang out with my brothers and sister-in-law and dad. and next week, even though our young clergy retreat is postponed – I’m taking a personal day to enjoy all of the blessings that have arrived in the midst of the chaos and to celebrate the clarity of vision that has come through the storms.

love list

Kristin T. over on Halfway to Normal has been talking a lot about love lists lately.
a list that you make over time detailing the things you love most in life—the things that make you feel most content in the world, and most like you.
She goes on to say that while this is very personal sort of thing, that there could be accountability built around sharing our lists with one another. So she lists four “steps”:

  1.  start making your love list! I love the part about how we shouldn’t just sit down and brainstorm, but we really should pay attention to whenever we feel complete and good and whole after we have done something – and THEN add it to the list.
  2. Ask why that thing is on the list… what is behind it?
  3. Share on twitter #lovelist
  4. share progress on Halfway to Normal on Friday’s.

I’m going to do this!!!  Mostly because I really need something to help me focus my life right now. Some days I feel like I’m just floating waiting for the next thing to come. Some days I feel like I’ve wasted so much time that I can’t enjoy the things I really care about. I feel like I’m making so many poor decisions (not major decisions – but little ones like how I spend the first 15 minutes when I get home) because I don’t have any criteria in place. I haven’t thought enough about my day to really consider what is the most important and what brings me the most joy.

This also makes me think about the fact that I haven’t yet done the Time Management audit my friend Jessica Miller Kelley suggests we all do. It helps us figure out our true priorities in our day so that we can figure out if we need things to change.

For me, this isn’t just some creative way to schedule.  It really is a spiritual exercise.  If the Holy Spirit is the agent of life and joy in our lives – than am I ignoring the Spirit on a day to day basis?  How can I pay more attention to the gentle nudges?  How can I better align my will with God’s will?  Where do I need to adjust some things in my life and possibly even let go of somet hings, so that I can more fully experience the gifts and the blessings God has surrounded me with? 
In three weeks, I’ll be joining other young adult clergy at a retreat and one of our “sessions” will be on time and scheduling. But I think in many ways this whole idea of priorities and what we love needs to be a part of that conversation. I can’t guarantee I’ll have a handle on anything by then, but if I make a start, maybe I’ll have something to offer to the conversation.

My life according to Incubus

so, I wrote that last post – and it just flowed and I wasn’t even intending to blog about it, but obviously I needed to. My initial intention (and a much less productive one) was to do this:

Pick Your Artist: Incubus

Are you a male or female: Southern Girl

Describe Yourself: Just a Phase

How do you feel? Deep Inside

Describe where you currently live: Under My Umbrella

If you could go anywhere, where would you go? Mexico

Your favorite form of transportation: Drive

Your best friend: Oil and Water

You and your best friends: Circles

What’s the weather like? The Warmth

Favorite time of day: 11 AM

If your life was a TV show, what would it be called? Sick Sad Little World

What is life to you? Priceless

Your fear: Love Hurts

What is the best advice you have to give? Beware! Criminal

How I would like to die: When It Comes

My soul’s present condition: Deep Inside

My motto: Make Yourself

Your favorite colour: A Certain Shade of Green

You know that: Nice to Know You

If you could change your name, what would it be? Pistola

Something you are looking forward to: New Skin

An Interview with RevGals

These questions were posted this week as a part of the Monday Meet-N-Greet. I know – I’m late. Oh well!

1. Where do you blog? Here! and at http://www.kenoticwords.blogspot.com/

2. What are your favorite non-revgal blog pal blogs? United Methodeviations, Bread & Honey

3. What gives you joy? Being on a porch with good friends and family talking about life. Baptizing a child. Singing a favorite hymn. Sleeping next to my husband.

4. What is your favorite sound? My cats purring.

5. What do you hope to hear once you enter the pearly gates? This is a really hard question. In part because I don’t know that the pearly gates is that great of a metaphor for what awaits us. For me, this question is about what would I want to be able to hear that I can’t already hear/know here on earth… I can already hear God saying that I am loved… so I guess I would want to be able to hear all of the intangible things that we can’t understand about one another. I would like to be able to hear a smile.

6. You have up to 15 words, what would you put on your tombstone? She lived her whole life with her whole self and loved everyone she met.

7. Write the first sentence of your own great American novel. Today I planted the very first seed…

8. What color do you prefer your pen? Black

9. What magazines do you subscribe too? None at the moment. But I sometimes buy “Everday Food” and used to get “Utne Reader”

10. What is something you want to achieve in this decade? I want to have a child in this decade (if we are thinking 2000-2010)… and the time is quickly slipping away.

11. Why are you cool? Because I like to wear heels with my jeans, I listen to space rock (Incubus), watch the Daily Show, study the perichoretic nature of God, and because I’m probably the youngest pastor in a 50 mile radius (if not wider) of where I live.

12. What is one of your favorite memories? having my husband wipe away the tears of joy from my eyes with my grandma’s handkerchief during our wedding ceremony.

13. Anything else you’ve always wanted to be asked? What is a metaphor/image for your ministry? Despite being an itinerant United Methodist pastor… my deepest metaphor for ministry is that of a gardener or farmer – putting deep roots into the ground and tending the spot that you are given – taking care of the land and the soil and freely giving the fruits of the labor away to those who need them the most.