true self – Page 9 – Salvaged Faith

FF: Take Me, Baby, or Leave Me

Posted on January 16, 20093 Comments

Although written by a young man, this song from “Rent” became an anthem for women of a certain age ready to be taken on their own terms. Maureen and Joanne love each other, but they are *very* different.

Whether it’s new friends or new loves or new employers, what are five things people should know about you?

This Friday Five is really challenging for me, because I realize how many people I’m not completely honest with about. I don’t have enough confidence in myself, enough trust in other people to believe that they really will take me for what I am and still accept me.

So, what would I want to say to all of those people, family, friends, church members, who only see the “neutral” me?

1) My husband isn’t a Christian, and for the most part, I’m really okay with that.

2) I consider myself a liberal. In all facets of my life. Politically, economically, socially, theologically. This has been the hardest one b/c my family is pretty conservative, and so is the majority of my church. What I need to find the balance of is how to be me without imposing my views.

3) I am a huge procrastinator.

4) I like for things to be clean and organized, but I don’t always put things away… not until I need to work on something and then I get the urge to clean. or when I’m stressed. I clean then too.

5) I take things personally. I try not to, but when you comment about something around me or something that I am a part of, or something that is in my sphere of influence, I take it personally.

Winter

Posted on January 12, 2009Leave a comment

Yeah, I know it’s been winter for like three weeks now, but we are getting some pretty heavy winter weather in Iowa this week.

I normally take Monday mornings off – to recouperate from the weekend – and then head in to the office after lunch. But I didn’t really feel like shoveling the driveway, and I didn’t really feel like turning on the heat over at the church just for myself, and I didn’t really think that I could accomplish anything there that I couldn’t accomplish just as well at home.

So I stayed in my pj’s and worked from the couch today. And it was great.

There are definately some advantages to being a solo pastor at a small church with no other staff. Like being able to make my own schedule the way I have and the flexibility that comes with it. But there are also serious disadvantages.

Sometimes I need the accountability of others. It’s easy to decide to come in late if no one is there and no one cares.

But it’s also sometimes nice just to have other people to talk with in an office. My last church office situation was three interns together in one office with couches… and we definately spent 2/3 of our time chatting… about serious stuff! Bouncing ideas off of one another, talking about ministry plans, doing some tough theological work… and yes, complaining when the moment called for it. I miss having a couch in my office – but more importantly, I miss having people in my office.

Theologically, I’m very relational. I believe strongly that the Holy Spirit moves through many people and that only in community can we truly discern the Spirit. I believe that God wants us to be in relationship with others and that we cannot do this (the journey of faith) alone.

Now, I do have lots of groups that I connect with. I’m part of a sub-district group of UM pastors who meet once a month. I’m part of a group of young clergy that meets once a month. And I have breakfast every week with another pastor and DCE in town. So that fulfills some of that.

Most days, though, the internet is my connection to others. It is my source for theological discussions and brainstorming. But it’s not always there when I need it, and it can’t go out for a margarita after work. (or during work.)

Last-Minute

Posted on January 4, 20092 Comments

Tiki is sitting at the base of my chair, mewing for me to pay attention to him. I reach out and scratch his head and before I know it, he’s up on my desk, watching the candles flicker.

It’s another Saturday night spent working on the sermon for Sunday. I could use New Year’s as an excuse, or the fact that we did the newsletter this week, or even my trip to Des Moines today to hang out with friends from college, but no, Saturday sermons are pretty typical for me.

I’ve always been a procrastinator. The ideas and words seem to flow better when there is a sense of urgency. Yeah, yeah, I know that last minute work often has less proof-reading and editing… but I can’t seem to get myself to focus until I’m down to the wire. It’s my modus operandi. We’ll see if that changes any in this next year.

At least I’m writing at my desk. Normally it’s on the couch in the living room, but I’m trying to use my personal space better this year. So far today, I’ve used my office to work out, practice guitar, blog, and now procrastinate on the sermon writing. Probably more use than it has had in a month. That’s a pretty good start to ’09.

Here is a question for all of you pastors out there. What is the difference between preaching and sermon writing? Are the two ever mutually exclusive for you? And how do you preach a sermon that someone else has written?

I ask mostly because I’m feeling beyond inadequate in my writing tonight. Everything that gets typed gets deleted. I know what I want to say, but I also know of people out there who have put it into much better words than I have at my disposal right now. So maybe this is a question of calling. I feel called to preach, not because I have anything particularly interesting to say, but because I have come to see that I’m a good communicator of God’s Word. Is that because I know how to put the gospel into a form that others can empathize with and understand? Or is it because of years of drama and speech experience? Or am I just procrastinating even more?

Sweat.

Posted on January 3, 20091 Comment

My life in this past year as a pastor has not been that great for my health. I have way too many sweets coming across my office desk from well-meaning and excellent bakers and cooks in my congregation. And since I love food, I can’t say no. Not to mention that as a United Methodist every gathering has food of some sort.

I’ve mentioned this many times, but I haven’t balanced my eating habits with my exercise habits well. But finding my rhythm is also about finding better patterns of behavior. So to start off this year right, I dug an unused piece of exercise equipment out of my parents’ basement today… and not only did I bring it home – but I actually used it!

I must admit, I’m encouraging myself to work out by allowing myself to indulge in a guilty pleasure while doing so… one episode of grey’s anatomy for each 45 minute workout. I have to admit… it’s been months, literally, since I last intentionally exercised. And after about 15 minutes, i thought my thigh muscles were going to explode… or implode… or something. But I was almost halfway through the episode and I allowed that to keep me focused and got through the whole 45 minutes. I’m dreading how my legs will feel in the morning.

whew…

Posted on December 29, 2008Leave a comment

The Christmas season is almost over and I am absolutely exhausted.

There were a few days in this past week that I allowed myself to sleep in very late, so I thought that I would make it through just fine, but with four worship services in a week’s time and countless gatherings and people… I was completely and utterly spent by yesterday noon.

We were driving up to my in-laws after morning worship, and it was all I could do to keep my eyes open. We had an AMAZING dinner and I got through the present giving/receiving just fine, but after that, all I wanted to do was sleep. It was as if all of the energy I had been giving out all week long had run out. All I wanted was a quiet room, maybe a movie, and a pillow.

We got home about 7, and I curled up on the couch and watched “Mamma Mia” not once, but twice.

While many people do not believe this about myself, I am an introvert. It takes an extrodinary amount of energy for me to be around people, especially if I have to be “on.” It doesn’t matter if they are my best friends or complete strangers… it still takes more energy out of me than it gives, and if I am correct, that is one huge definition of introverted. The nice thing about my in-laws is that I can simply sit there and be. And I think that’s why everything finally ran out.

one year ago…

Posted on December 17, 2008Leave a comment

one year ago today, brandon and I arrived at our new (and extremely empty) house in Iowa and slept on an air mattress in our new bedroom. It is so hard to believe that an entire year has passed since that night.

In one year, we have grown closer to some friends that we love to disc golf and play world of warcraft with.

In one year, two soft and cuddly cats have become a part of our family.

In one year, I have become a part of the family at the church and feel like I’m finding my rhythm – the things that are my gifts… as well as being able to see better where I need to grow (or delegate).

In one year, I have preached 47 sermons (with three to go!).

In one year, we have had about 45 Wednesday night dinners with the s-i-l and b-i-l and neice and nephew.

In one year, I’ve met colleagues across the state and within my own backyard and have built lasting friendships with fellow pastors.

In one year, Brandon and I have both managed to be sick more times than we can count on one hand =)

In one year, I baptized 7 babies and youth, married one beautiful couple, and helped 11 families say good bye to their loved ones.

Hopefully our next year will be as good as the next!

the mom voice

Posted on December 14, 20083 Comments

I’ve been struggling in recent weeks with whether or not I have the gift for youth ministry. Or whether I just can’t figure out how to reach this particular group of kids.

I spent some time talking with my mom about this recently, and came to the realization that I don’t have a “mom voice.” Or in the case of my own mom, “the look.”

You know what I’m talking about – the look that will stop you AND your friends from all the way across the gym at a basketball game. The look that strikes fear into your heart. The look that lets you know she means business.

I don’t have a look, or a voice. While you would think being a pastor carries with it a certain authority, that authority doesn’t really fly with these kids… so I have to muster up some kind of authoritative presence. Something like my own version of the “mom voice” is what I think is needed.

Part of the problem is that I’m so busy focusing on the lesson and the games that it’s hard to also be the babysitter. It’s hard to also keep everyone in line. I have no idea how teachers do it – I’m in absolute awe. I get tired after 45 minutes with my confirmation class of 7 students!

One solution is to get parents more involved… which is the focus of a meeting this Thursday night. Many prayers are needed that even just two or three of them hear the call and want to help out. If I don’t have my own mom voice, I’m just going to have to borrow someone else’s! =)

This whole thing I think also has me thinking about my own family. Is a mom voice something that develops when you have kids, or is it a natural gift? I’ve already figured out I’m the pushover when it comes to our kitties. Brandon’s the disciplinarian, the one who says no. Maybe it will always be that way… only time will tell.

I need a vacation…

Posted on September 24, 20082 Comments

or just a long long nap.

I was so looking forward to the back half of this week – especially sleeping in for a long time on Friday…

until I realized that we have our conference orders event Friday – and I have to get up at 6:30 just to make it there on time.

and then I remembered that I for some reason planned our youth lock in Saturday night…

HELP!