FF: Vulnerable


From Rev Gals: “I have recently been reading a book entitled Jesus wept, it is all about vulnerability in leadership. The authors speak of how Jesus shared his earthly frustrations and vulnerabilities with a select group of people. To some he was the charismatic leader and teacher, to others words of wisdom were opened and explained and some frustrations shared, to his “inner circle of friends: Peter, James and John, he was most fully himself, and in all of these things he was open to God.

So I bring you this weeks Friday 5:”

1. Is vulnerability something that comes easily to you, or are you a private person?

I find myself in situations where I am the person who listens, rather than talks. But there is also always this desire within me to share my story – our stories are really all that we have to share… but I hesitate to share, however much I want to because of a fear of being pitied. My grandfather passed away when I was in seminary, and because it happened to be over fall break and because of my schedule that semester, I was home for 6 days, and missed no classes. I got back and such a monumental hole was in my life, but no one at school knew what had happened. I didn’t have to ask for class time off, so no professors knew. I had a really hard time sharing that with people because in a sense, it was easier to focus on school.

2.How important is it to keep up a professional persona in work/ ministry?

This is a hard question for me. Mostly because I believe a professional persona in ministry is overrated. And yet I do it anyways. I guess the professional persona I embody is a sense of neutrality, which comes naturally to me because I can see all sides of an issue/problem. If I were more vulnerable, my own positions and horror at the things people say would be much more evident. That may or may not be a good thing.

3. Masks, a form of self protection discuss…

Oh – absolutely self protection. But self-protection isn’t always in our best interest. I think that omission is also a mask. I meet with a local group of clergy and I know that I am by far the most liberal among them and there are often sideways remarks that I usually disagree with, but I let them go, rather than become the target. I go to that group to have colleagues and to be around people who understand what it is to be a minister in our town… it is relaxing and not the place where I want to constantly have to defend myself.

4. Who knows you warts and all?

My husband – hands down. And maybe my very bestest friend. The more I think about these questions the more I think about how much I do keep my guard up, even with the people I love the most. The other person who knows many of my warts is my youngest brother.

5. Share a book, a prayer, a piece of music, a poem or a person that touches the deep place in your soul, and calls you to be who you are most authentically.

Manifesto:
The Mad Farmer Liberation Front

by Wendell Berry

Love the quick profit, the annual raise,
vacation with pay. Want more
of everything ready-made. Be afraid
to know your neighbors and to die.

And you will have a window in your head.
Not even your future will be a mystery
any more. Your mind will be punched in a card
and shut away in a little drawer.

When they want you to buy something
they will call you. When they want you
to die for profit they will let you know.
So, friends, every day do something
that won’t compute. Love the Lord.
Love the world. Work for nothing.
Take all that you have and be poor.
Love someone who does not deserve it.

Denounce the government and embrace
the flag. Hope to live in that free
republic for which it stands.
Give your approval to all you cannot
understand. Praise ignorance, for what man
has not encountered he has not destroyed.

Ask the questions that have no answers.
Invest in the millenium. Plant sequoias.
Say that your main crop is the forest
that you did not plant,
that you will not live to harvest.

Say that the leaves are harvested
when they have rotted into the mold.
Call that profit. Prophesy such returns.
Put your faith in the two inches of humus
that will build under the trees
every thousand years.

Listen to carrion — put your ear
close, and hear the faint chattering
of the songs that are to come.
Expect the end of the world. Laugh.
Laughter is immeasurable. Be joyful
though you have considered all the facts.
So long as women do not go cheap
for power, please women more than men.

Ask yourself: Will this satisfy
a woman satisfied to bear a child?
Will this disturb the sleep
of a woman near to giving birth?

Go with your love to the fields.
Lie down in the shade. Rest your head
in her lap. Swear allegiance
to what is nighest your thoughts.

As soon as the generals and the politicos
can predict the motions of your mind,
lose it. Leave it as a sign
to mark the false trail, the way
you didn’t go.

Be like the fox
who makes more tracks than necessary,
some in the wrong direction.
Practice resurrection.

“Manifesto: The Mad Farmer Liberation Front” from The Country of Marriage, copyright ® 1973 by Wendell Berry,

Untitled

seriously… the sheep on the left was me this past week. I think I said that exact sentence.

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A Mosaic project…

images correspond to the following answers:

What is your first name? Katie
What is your favorite food? Lobster ravioli
What high school did you attend? Prairie High School
What is your favorite color? Indigo
Who is your celebrity crush? Sean Connery
What is your favorite drink? Cosmopolitan
Where would you go on your dream vacation? Maui
What is your favorite dessert? Strawberry Jell-o Cake
What do you want to be when you grow up? A Preacher
What do you love most in life? Brandon
Choose one word to describe you? Absentminded
Your Flickr name? amomono

grey area.. greys anatomy

I haven’t written in here for a while. Lots going on. Had a young adult clergy retreat this last weekend and really really enjoyed being with other young pastors and just hanging out. It was good to veg for a while.

The whole sermon thing is starting to feel like homework. Especially this week. I feel like I am back in theology class having to write my christology/soteriology/resurrection-ology. I honestly don’t remember ever having to preach an easter/resurrection sermon before… well – except at the two funerals that I have done already. And as I work this week with the raising of Lazarus and then think about Easter in two weeks, my mind is just stuck. What do I want to say about resurrection? Or more importantly, what I have I experienced in my life that is resurrection? I’m still a young person. And there have been a few bumps in the road… but I don’t know that I have had a real resurrection experience. Everything I try to draw upon feels too fluffy and sappy and cheesy to work. To really connect with the lives of people in my congregation.

This week, I really am thinking hard about how this moment in John’s gospel is really the beginning of Christ’s passion. Raising Lazarus is what signs his death warrant here. And he comes so close to Jerusalem in order to do so. From here on out, we know how the story goes. I really want to include some of that tension and pain and passion in with this week. Especially since next week we are doing a sort of lessons and hymns and recalling the whole palm/passion story.

I just feel stuck. Not quite sure what direction I want to take. And instead of really sitting with it, I’m letting myself get distracted (I’m getting excited for Grey’s Anatomy coming back… even though I still have a month and a half to wait! The old episodes, my dvds, are calling my name).

e-word #3

In the last e-word, I shared that there are two kinds of good news: the news that Jesus brings to us, and the news about Jesus the Christ. But what do you do with that good news? How do you even begin to share it with the world?

You may have noticed that West End has a new ministry called “Water at the Well.” It is an eclectic mix of events designed to help us experience God in new ways, but it comes with a commission as well: to take those experiences and share them with others. I was able to participate in the “prayer for the city” event on July 2, and in the spirit of those experiences and in the spirit of this column, I want to share with you my experience.

As a few of us sat in the Church Street Park downtown, I have to admit that I felt awkward. We had come into the heart of the city to pray for whatever we saw and experienced, and yet, in such a public place, it was also a very overt form of witness. I kept asking myself, do I have good news for these people? And how do I share it with them?

Interestingly, the park we sat in was filled with beautiful foliage, green grass, a flowing fountain; and yet the only people who took the time to stop and rest inside this space were the homeless of downtown (and the occasional dog walker). Everyone else rushed by on their lunch breaks on the hot pavement just outside the park. Which group needed the good news?

I felt incredibly voyeuristic and out of place. Who was I to bring good news to these people? Who was I to assume that they didn’t have a bit of good news already? Who is to say that they didn’t have good news to share with me!

Sensing we all felt that way, our little group simply sat on the bench in the park for about 15 minutes soaking it all in. One of us led a simple prayer – praying that we might experience God in the city during our time in that place. Almost immediately, people around us began to interact with us. We had been present for long enough that we became safe and approachable. We had been present long enough to not be a strange element in this community’s midst.

All of the recent stuff I have been reading about evangelism talks about building relationships and in the process sharing good news. We really need to get to know someone, know where they are at, and be honest about where we are as well, in order to share our stories. And we need to be a real presence in someone’s life. That is not to say that there isn’t a time and a place for random encounters with people, and that’s not to say that we can’t share the good news of God with complete strangers. But to really know what to say, you need names, you need stories and you need to be vulnerable yourself.

So what did we share with this group of people? We stopped for long enough to hear their stories and to share a bit about ourselves. We listened for long enough to hear that the good news that Christ brings to the world is needed in this community: there is addiction and mental illness and broken relationships that need healing. Yet we also listened for long enough to hear that the good news of God was present in their midst. They were a community that loved and cared for one another, and in the spirit of water at the well, they shared what they had received with one another and were able to tell another hungry beggar where to find food.

And that is precisely how Daniel Niles describes evangelism: “Evangelism is witness. It is one beggar telling another beggar where to get food. The Christian does not offer out of his bounty. He has no bounty. He is simply guest at his Master’s table and, as evangelist, he calls others too.” The good news that I gained from being present in this community was realizing that the good news God gives us to share is a gift. It does not come from our abundance or knowledge or higher moral standing. It comes in spite of us and it is meant for everyone, including ourselves. We are all hungry, and when we find a morsel of food, we should share it with others.

why “salvaged” faith?

i’ve been struggling lately… deeply deeply struggling with how to be faithful to my experience of God and my experience of the church in the vocational path i’m am currently treading.

3 weeks ago, i was commissioned as a probationary elder in the united methodist church. and i love my tradition. and i feel called by God to be a part of the church and to share the sacraments of God’s love and grace with the world. but i also feel deep within my soul a calling to locate myself, to plant deep roots within a community and live simply. and i can’t for the life of me figure out how to do both of those things. to be an elder in my church is to be itinerant – to move at the decision of the bishop/cabinet and the church.

so, i’m trying to figure out where i stand. i’m trying to pick up the various pieces of my experience of God and my tradition and piece them together in a way that makes sense vocationally. in some ways, i feel as if i am out at sea, abandoned, and need to figure out what to take with me.

but i am also realizing that my vocational struggle has as much to do with insecurity about how my faith and theology will be recieved in the church as anything. can i truly be faithful to who I am within the four walls of a church? I have experienced so far that I can at an extremely unique congregation in nashville – but what if that isn’t always the case? how do i work to create communities such as this?

the american heritage dictionary includes these two definitions for the word salvaged:

tr.v. sal·vaged, sal·vag·ing, sal·vag·es
1) To save from loss or destruction.
2) To save (discarded or damaged material) for further use.

I think in some ways I am trying to do both… I am part of a faith journey and experience that includes many people all over the world. in some ways, what I have been experiencing lately is out of tune with what the tradition or the people around me have been doing, trying, teaching, following, etc. I want to salvage the bits of that faith that are important to carry into a postmodern world and church. I want to make sure that the “stuff” of our experience makes it and can still be of use to people in my generation and beyond.

but this is also about keeping myself from losing something vital to my soul – to share my story in a way that is authentic and real and to get it out there before it slips away. by sharing it, i hope to find people who want to walk this path as well… companions on the journey (which is kind of hokey)… who can help me remember that yes, i am walking in the right direction. this blog is about being real about who I am… the I that i am only recently discovering and remembering and living into.

thomas merton has a quote that reads:

in order to become myself, i must cease to be what i always thought i wanted to be.

for me, this means i have to stop listening to the expectations and voices of the world around me and look really really deep within and find and accept the me that is there. i need to stop trying to be someone i’m not. that’s true relationally, theologically, you name it. so – that’s what i’m doing…