Text: Job 2: 11-13; 2 Timothy 4:9-13
I don’t know about all of you… but after watching Rev. Remington’s video, I need some French fries.
“What do you need?”
It is such a simple question.
And yet actually taking the time to ask the question and listen for the answers… whew… it isn’t easy.
You would think that as a pastor, I’d be pretty good about that kind of stuff, but I had a breakthrough moment of my own a while back about this.
For well over a year, my spouse was nursing an ankle injury. He has had them before, but his typical regimen of rest, ice, compression, and elevation hadn’t healed this one 100%. Well, it got better… and then it didn’t.
For well over a year, I tried to help.
I offered to do things for him to reduce strain.
I gently encouraged him to see the doctor.
Well, let’s be honest, I nagged him to go and see a doctor.
I would ask how it felt.
But you know what I never did?
I never asked – “what do you need?”
Not until he asked me that question. I was experiencing some pretty intense heartburn and as I sat on the bathroom floor in tears, he came and sat down next to me and said those four words.
“what do you need?”
He didn’t judge or assume.
He simply met me on the floor and let me guide our next steps.
And I realized I had not done the same for him.
I had adjusted.
I had offered solutions.
I had tried to make him feel better.
But I had not sat down on the floor in the depths of it with him.
I had not really listened to his fears.
I hadn’t taken the time to ask what he needed.
And when I did, I finally was able to hear his fears about what could be wrong… his anxiety about navigating the scheduling… and I learned through that conversation that what he needed, the only thing he needed, was for me to call and schedule an appointment.
Oh.
I could do that.
Last week, right here in worship, we talked about a related question: “where does it hurt?”
We talked about the power of being seen and knowing that we are not alone.
Our question for today is such a great follow-up.
To ask “what do you need?” is a reminder that we all have needs.
But also that can’t assume to know what is best for other people.
As we reach out and connect with others, we need to give them the space and the ability to express what they need from us.
Our two scriptures for today do this in very different ways.
In the passage from Job, we find a man who has suffered incredible devastation.
He has lost his livelihood and he has lost his family.
All around us – we have friends and neighbors who have experienced these kinds of losses.
Maybe they are experiencing financial uncertainty that impacts every part of their lives.
Or maybe they, too, are wandering through the grief that comes when we lose a loved one.
In these verses from Job, his friends reach out and connect with Job in a profound way.
In her reflection on this text, Rev. Johnson notes that “they react with the proper level of emotion. They match the amplitude of the situation. They are feeling with Job… weeping aloud and tearing their robes.”
They don’t try to minimize his situation or make him feel better… they simply meet him where he is and join him there.
Rev. Johnson talked a bit in the video about her work in healthcare chaplaincy and she writes that in her training one of her supervisors used the analogy of a person who was stuck in the bottom of a hole.
“Our job” she writes, is “not to offer them a rescue line and attempt to pull them out, but to descend into the hole to bear witness to their reality and be with them.”
Her words made me think of a lecture given by Brene Brown on how we experience connection through empathy… let’s take a listen.
Job’s friends meet him at the bottom of that deep, dark place and offer connection and solidarity.
I do notice, they don’t actually ask that question, “what do you need?”
But neither do they make assumptions or try to fix it from their own perspectives.
In fact… if we keep reading on in Job… it is when they do start to offer their own answers and solutions to Job’s problem that Eliphaz and Bildad and Zophar start to become incredibly UN-helpful in the midst of Job’s pain.
But at least at the beginning, they get it right.
They give Job the space to grieve and join him there.
They show up.
While Job speaks no words during this time, but simply allows these friends to minister to him and join him in the depths… our other passage of scripture takes a completely different approach.
Paul is imprisoned… again… and he has very specific needs that he is expressing.
To start out with, Paul calls out the people who were supposed to be there, supporting him. There is a tinge of anger and frustration you can hear in these words, but he quickly transforms it.
He can’t do anything about that… but he does need for Timothy to come… and bring friends.
Paul needs connection.
He needs his people.
Oh… and he has a very specific list of items.
In her artist statement, Lauren Wright Pittman describes his yearning:
“He needs his cloak to wrap around his battered body and the company of his books to keep his imagination engaged. He needs parchments to share his wisdom and to proclaim the Good News. He could have passed on bitterness to Timothy, but instead expresses gratitude for God’s provision. I believe the foundational need of this text is forgiveness. Forgiveness transforms Paul’s life. It enables him to seek companionship and comfort instead of vengeance.”
Paul is in a place where he can name what he needs. And some of it Timothy can provide… some of it he might not be able to do.
But asking the question and listening to the fullness of the response is important.
Even if you can’t meet the need, you can acknowledge that it is, in fact, their need.
Not your assumptions about what they need.
Not simply what you are willing to offer – even if it won’t help them.
But asking someone “what do you need?” shows that we are allowing the person we are meeting – down in that dark pit – to have autonomy. We are giving them permission to share what they are ready to share.
That is the lesson it took me a year to learn with my spouse.
I centered myself as the person who was the helper with my ideas and solutions.
When I met him where he was, stopped making assumptions, and actually listened, he was finally able to communicate his need.
That is what we can do for one another.
We can stop making assumptions or trying to make it better… silver-lining it, as Brene Brown would say.
Instead, we can simply meet people where they are.
We can ask what they need and listen to their answers.
Whether or not we can provide is irrelevant.
What is important is that we are there…. present… joining them…
That we are fueling connection and that they are not alone.
May it be so.
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