authentic – Page 7 – Salvaged Faith

robed authority

Posted on August 23, 20102 Comments

I was blessed to officiate the wedding of my friends recently. And up until five minutes before the wedding, I couldn’t decide if I would wear my robe or not.

You see, I had packed the robe. And I was most assuredly wearing the stole. But the robe was an additional layer of formality, of tradition, of authority… that I wasn’t quite sure I wanted to assume at the time.

There is this great debate it seems among pastors about whether we should robe or not. As a woman, I have often argued that wearing a robe keeps people from being distracted by what we are wearing. It adds some authority simply by the fact that you are wearing something different from what everyone else is wearing.

But that in itself is also a reason to discard the robe when you are trying to be in ministry with people. It is a barrier between you and everyone else. It makes you distinct. Which in certain circumstances actually helps to conveys your authority and then I’m back to wearing the robe.

This was the inner dialogue I was having about ten minutes before the wedding – which ended when a family member said he was having a hard time wrapping his head around the fact that I was one of the college friends and yet also had authority to do the wedding… I put on the robe. The authority and not the college student was the only image left to put out there… which of course also meant that when the ceremony was finished and the robe got put away, I felt more than comfortable dancing to “Love Shack” with everyone else.

You know how lawyers in England still wear fancy wigs when they are doing their official business in the courtroom? It’s a trapping of tradition and old sentimentality… and yet it also marks what they are doing as important. It sets that part of their life aside as distinct from the rest of their work and play.

I know that I allow myself to become something more… something different when that stole is draped over my shoulders. I read scripture in a different way. I preach and the words become more than what they were an hour before as I was practicing them at home.

Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Colossians 3:12-14

Putting on the stole and the robe are ways of taking on God’s authority, of literally wearing a symbol of compassion and gentleness. It is a uniform, as much as a police officer’s uniform is… it conveys my role and my task in that place.

Does a police officer stop being a police officer when the uniform is gone? Or a surgeon when she takes off the scrubs? Or a lawyer when the suit is hanging up in the closet? Yes and no… sometimes we simply put on other hats and become wives and dads and little league coaches instead. But I think that deep down, once we put on a vocation – a persona – we can’t really take it off.

Once I have put on this authority that Christ gave me, once I have put on kindness and patience and forgiveness – they aren’t really things that I can take off again. Once I have put on love… it is there to stay. Perhaps it is just easier for others to see with the robe on.

what it means to be a girl friend… and a pastor

Posted on August 2, 2010Leave a comment

This past weekend, I got to hang out with a ton of my friends from college. I felt almost like a completely different person while I was around them – even though I had a “pastor” hat on for a bit of the time. I had the honor and the privledge of marrying two of them while we were gathered… but at the same time, I was also just one of those crazy college roommates.

All of those people knew me before I was “Pastor Katie.” They knew me as a friend and as a girl who likes to giggle and while I was the religious life council girl back then, I was also the one who… well, what happens at the PAC house – stays at the PAC house.

But what happens now that you become a pastor? Where do you find good friends? Where do you find people that you can go to and talk about all of your problems and struggles and be really, really stupid with? Who do you stay up until 3am with?

For the most part, I have solved that dilemma because my husband gained some friends through his brother who then became my friends. Completely unchurch related friends. I can hang out without having to be professional, or worry about what might come up next. I still have to cut festivities short on a Saturday night so I can get up and preach the next morning, but I get to experience with them what I used to remember as a “normal life.”

But I think even with that bunch there is something missing, because aside from being the “pastor”, I’m also the only girl… or at least have been for a long time.

And I think I really miss the kind of companionship that a best girl friend offers. And I know that I have been lucky enough to have found some amazing best friends in the past… and right now, I really wish I had someone to shop with, and watch crappy girl movies with, and talk about girl stuff with. I miss the circle of friends who gathered every Tuesday night in seminary to have pizza. I miss the estrogen that radiated out of the upstairs of the PAC House or Bubbly Manor (the names of our in-famous college abodes). I miss the crazy antics of teenage girls… that somehow are rekindled when JSTACK has the chance to get together every year or so.

But what happens when that person doesn’t live next door to you anymore? What happens when the nearest girlfriend lives an hour away? And how do you get yourself to a place where you can find someone like that in your neighborhood, when you live in the parsonage in a small town? How do I find people my own age to hang out with… without also thinking about how I can get them involved in my church or what I might need to ask them to help out with next? How can I be a friend when pastors don’t make friends with congregation members?

I believe… help my unbelief

Posted on July 15, 20103 Comments

http://rcm.amazon.com/e/cm?t=amomono&o=1&p=8&l=bpl&asins=B000WCN8PA&fc1=000000&IS2=1&lt1=_blank&m=amazon&lc1=0000FF&bc1=000000&bg1=FFFFFF&f=ifrThe other night, I sat down to watch a film that has been in my Netflix queue for a while now: King of California. It’s the story of a young woman and her mentally questionable father and his quest to find buried treasure beneath their suburban community. It’s quiet, a little quirky, but all and all a really good flick.

I think the thing that stuck with me long after the movie ended was the idea that you could follow along with someone – even if you weren’t entirely sure you believed. The character, Miranda, is about 90% sure that her father is full of crap, and yet she loves him and is interested in the possibility that he might be on to something. She follows him all over the countryside. She listens to his ramblings. She does some reading and research of her own. She gives up her job in order to get hired on with the Costco her dad thinks the treasure is buried beneath. In spite of every instinct in her body that tells her he is absolutely crazy… she goes along with the plan. She is there. But she doesn’t believe.

There are many days that I feel that way about my faith. I know that God loves me. And I want to love God with all of my heart, soul, mind and strength. But I’m not always sure what on earth we are all doing. I’m going along with the plan… seeing how things turn out… but there are absolutely doubts. I listen. I read. I would love to believe it all hook, line and sinker. But there is too much of a scientific rationalist in my heart. So I’m here. I’m doing it. I’m sticking it out. But…

There is that “but”. And I often worry about that “but.” I worry that I’m not faithful enough. I worry that the little “but” in the back of my mind is going to be my downfall. I worry that maybe I am just going through the motions.

King of California reminded me that it’s okay to have questions. Miranda was a faithful and loving daughter. She would have done anything for her father. She did the best that she could with what she had – and that included having questions, and doubts, and acting out in faith in spite of them.

Maybe that’s the key… acting in spite of our doubts. Taking the leap of faith – even when it goes against every instinct in our bodies. Deciding to follow – even if we are pretty sure that we have no idea where we are going. Taking all of those doubts and carrying them with us and not ignoring them… but not letting them keep us from finding out the truth, either.

There is a scene at the end – and I don’t know that I’ll ruin any of the plot if I say this – when something that Charlie (the dad) said actually came true. Miranda is standing by the ocean at sunrise and a bunch of chinese men and women come running out of the ocean wearing only their underwear. And she gets this look on her face – this look of curious wonder. She saw for her own eyes the truth. I pray that I might keep my eyes open and someday see for myself… see it all as it really is… and finally know. Until then I’m going to take my doubtful leap of faith and see what happens.

chaotic peace

Posted on July 6, 20102 Comments

The other day, B strongly encouraged me to organize my pocketbook. It seemed like such a silly thing at the time, but there it was, busting at the seams with reciepts and cash sticking out and no hope of ever closing. He said – if you can get that thing to close right, maybe there is hope for you after all. And I did! =) All I had to do was take the checkbook out, put the cash in the right spot, and tuck my recipets in the pocket where the extremely seldom used checkbook had been.

I think my husband would describe me as a person who thrives on chaos. What he would mean by that is that I kind of let things go and forget about them and let everything hang out flapping about until a kind of critical point is reached. And then I jump into this frenzy of action and wham bam boozle – somehow, things kind of work out.

“Kind of” is the operative part of the phrase there.

It is true that for much of my life, that is how I have viewed the world. I’ll put something off until the absolute last possible moment. I hate confronting conflict or unpleasant tasks. I ignore things until I have to face them. And while I have, for the most part, been successful in this way of doing things, it is not my best. And it doesn’t work for everyone.

This last week, I preached on peace. And as is sometimes the case as a pastor, I felt like I was preaching to myself. Because peaceful is often the last thing that I feel in this chaotic way that I operate. Peaceful is not the word to describe the way relationships sometimes turn out due to this way of operating. Peaceful is not the word to describe the garden space on the south side of my house. Peaceful is not the proper adjective for newsletter creating, or bulletin producing, or sermon writing… at least not in my life.

As I spent some time wrestling with peace this week, I was reminded of the hebrew idea of shalom. Shalom is more than peace – it is right relationship, right order, wholeness and harmony. And not in some fuzzy, hippie, feel good sense. You know how you look around and see that things are just out of whack? when you can’t figure out how to make things fit or you know in your gut that something is off… that is the lack of shalom. And an article by Bruce Birch caught my attention when he wrote that the opposite of shalom is chaos.

You see, as much as I thrive on this chaos… as much as I am comfortable with the way that I operate… that doesn’t mean it is good for me. The peace that I obtain as I work this way, as I play this way, as I love this way is not full. It is partial and it is grasping. But to open myself up to right priorities… to find balance in my life… to seek out order and a proper time for things… to allow God to guide me… to let go of some things and delegate others… maybe that could bring shalom. Maybe letting go of my comfortable chaos might help me to truly find the peace that passes all understanding.

How I end up finding this order in my life is a different question. It’s not enough to just pray about it. I am firmly of the belief that prayer also requires action on our behalf. I’ve already organized my pocketbook, so at least I’m starting somewhere. I consolidated all of my google calendars so that all of my appointments show up at the same time on my blackberry. But just ready to come to the surface is the realization that the way I do church has to radically change. I need to hand some things off. I need to let go and find people to take over a few things that may have been the pastor’s job in the past… like doing the newsletter… so that I can be freed up to do the things I am called to do. As much as I enjoy them. As much as I am comfortable doing them. They create chaos as I try to stuff everything in and clasp the darn thing shut. And letting it go might be the answer I’m looking for.

taking the first steps to healthy

Posted on June 28, 2010Leave a comment

I might have posted something about this before… but pastors, in general, and in the Iowa Annual Conference of the United Methodist Church, in particular, (did I use my commas correctly there?) are pretty unhealthy. There was some outstanding (and not in a good way) statistic a year ago at conference that said that our group for health insurance with Blue Cross Blue Shield has like 2x the rate of cancer and 3x the rate of diabetes as any other group that Wellmark covers. Insanity.

Now, I’m a young woman, relatively healthy, but I admit to myself that I have room for improvement on this front. It would be great if I could look back on this time of my life and say that I was in the best physical and mental and spiritual shape that I could have been.

To try to coax pastors in our conference to be more F.I.T. (remember that challenge from a few posts ago), we are signed up with this program through Virgin Healthmiles. Virgin as in the company… not Mary…

We can get a pedometer and set up an account, and depending on how many miles we walk in a year’s time, we can actually earn money! The thought is that if we are encouraging people to be healthy and rewarding them for their work, they will actually save money in the long run by decreasing health care costs.

So, I got my pedometer in the mail. And I’ve been using it pretty faithfully for a week now – although I forgot to wear it over the weekend. My goal is 10,000 steps a day… and I’ve only hit that goal twice (well, three times if I had worn it yesterday). It is a reminder that I really do need to get out there and exercise, and this morning, I made the extra effort and went for a run.

It had been such a long time and my lungs screamed at me, but I did it. And I’m going to keep doing it. Because the extra cash would be nice to have… and if I keep on track I’ll need it to buy some new clothes… but most of all, because I deserve to be healthy and fit.

So – first step is actually getting off my hiney and getting out there and moving.

Step two is following that up with some healthy eating. I started off today with a fruit smoothie – inspired by Alton Brown. He measures his fruit and juice in oz’s and then dumps it all in… I guess I’m following technique more than anything else. Mine this morning included blueberries (which I bought on super sale and then froze myself), frozen peaches, fresh strawberries (the remainder or which were frozen for the future), blueberry/pomegranate juice, and 1/2 a scoop of whey protein.

Step three is trying to gracefully avoid and limit what I eat at the church. There are homemade cakes and casseroles and snacks everywhere. And you feel bad if you say no, because people are being gracious hosts. But you know what… that’s probably the number one reason pastor’s are so unhealthy. We Methodists have too many good cooks!!!!

you can’t please everyone…

Posted on June 20, 2010Leave a comment

I’m coming to realize that one of my greatest weaknesses is trying to please everyone. I have a very terribly hard time saying no. I agonize over the fact that I might be letting someone down by something I do or say. And lately this impulse… this attempt to please multiple people at once… has led me to double book myself, or try to fit too many things in a day when the problem would have been solved with better planning, a few no’s, and being honest about the fact that I can’t do something right this minute… but that I could possibly get to it later.

There was a conversation I had with my friend, Anna, not so terribly long ago, where we lamented the fact that we wanted to be superwomen. We wanted to have careers… but we also wanted to be moms. We wanted to be successful women and give our all to our vocation and yet still have time for ourselves and our husbands. And there was this twinge of guilt over the fact that maybe to have it all, we have to give up the very thing that we have been working so hard towards for the past 20-some years of our lives. Maybe to have the family and simplicity and well-balanced self, we really couldn’t have the jobs we had been chasing after.

Can we do it all? Can we make everyone happy? Can we be successful at our work and also be there for our spouses? Is it possible?

Today is a day when I think that the answer is no. Today is one of those days when I’m really glad that I’m not on the fast track to success, because, sheesh, my family would be left behind in the dust.

Just this afternoon, I have tried to balance time with friends, exercise, food, and going to a family funeral visitation into one four hour block.

And I realized that it wasn’t possible. And no matter how much I tried to justify one thing or another, the simple fact was that all of those things were good things. To skip any of them would be letting someone down – myself, my support network, those people I am supposed to be support to… A choice had to be made. And I really did try for about 2 hours to figure out how I could get them all fit in. And something had to go.

It’s silly that I agonize over these things. It’s silly that I am so completely indecisive about what choice is the best. Sometimes it is because I really have been disorganized and planned poorly. But other times, it is because I am blessed with too many choices. Blessed with too many people to spend time with. Blessed with work that I love and hobbies that I love. And a choice has to be made between two good things sometimes. And I need to learn to just be okay with that and know that I’m doing the best I can.

being hit on

Posted on June 18, 20101 Comment

**note: this post feels really disjointed. I’ve been thinking about writing this for days now and it is just as scattered as my thoughts on this are. So bear with me.**

Three times in the past week I have been “hit on” in our little town. Never mind the rings on my finger indicating my married status. Never mind the fact that I’m a minister and did 18 funerals last year in this little town. Never mind the fact that I’m pretty sure I’m half the age of some of these dudes.

It always happens at the strangest times and in the strangest places. Paying for my breakfast at the cafe. In the soup aisle at the grocery store. Someone walks up and makes a little comment and I feel embarrased and frustrated and I try to be polite and brush it off but what I really want to do is scream, “INAPPROPRIATE!”

Maybe it’s because I’m showing off more leg with my knee length skirts now that it is summer. Maybe it’s because my husband isn’t attached to my hip 24/7 and we kind of do our own thing when we aren’t home. Maybe it’s because I… why am I assuming it has something to do with me?

I guess I thought that the ring would protect me from advances. I admit that I’m grateful to have married my high school sweetheart – because I really haven’t had to mess with the dating scene. But the truth is… are women EVER able to stay away from guys hitting on them?

Being a pastor also adds an additional layer of complication. In seminary and in conversations with mentors I have always been taught that pastors should be friendly, but not friends with people in their congregation. And for the most part that has worked. It also helps that I have a network of friends outside of the community and I don’t feel the need to be best friends with people in the church. We have a work relationship, we have a pastor/parishoner relationship… and that’s good.

But what does that maxim mean for people outside the congregation? If I’m friendly to the guy in the coffee shop, he thinks I’m flirting with him. Or is he just being friendly back and I’m misinterpreting it? No, definately not. His response was definately not appropriate.

In the back of my head, I’m aware that at any moment, someone in this town could pass away and anyone in this community could become my parishoner. Someone might be getting married this summer and they will be at the wedding and they will in that sense be my parishoner. I’m not a community chaplain, but I’m also not going to turn people from the community away when they come knocking. In everything that I do in the community, I try to wear my professional hat and be the pastor.

But then I run to the grocery store in a tank top and jogging shorts to get hamburger buns for dinner and someone hits on me.

I refuse to dress like a grandma just so people won’t notice me. I desperately want to feel like a normal person some days. But c’mon people – it’s not okay to hit on a pastor in the soup aisle.

Vocations?

Posted on June 3, 20102 Comments

Today at our county ministerial alliance we talked about the multiple vocations that people have in their lives. The conversation sprang from a book we are reading together and a scene in which a Catholic priest approaches his bishop to let him know that he has fallen in love. The priest both feels called to the ministry and called to love and marry this woman that he has met.

Good old Wikipedia shares that vocation is: an occupation to which a person is specially drawn or for which they are suited, trained or qualified. While being a wife wouldn’t always be considered an occupation… it is work. And parenthood falls under the same consideration. As do our hobbies and livlihoods. And potentially our jobs. As we talked, we became more and more aware of the multiple vocations that have an influence on our lives.

In my own life, I am called to my husband, to my family, I am called to ministry as an elder in the UMC, and I’m sure that there are many others. In seminary I wrote often about a deep calling to rootedness… part of which comes from being a Midwesterner and the daughter of a farmer. It is a calling that I am currently living out both by attempting to build deep relationships in my community and with gardening.

The problem comes however, when these various callings that God has placed within our lives don’t always neatly fit together. The conflicts can be painful. How do we divide up our time and our resources and our energy? What takes priority on what days? These is a complex dance that is stepped between these obligations and loves. Not always do we make the right choices and not always is there a “right choice” to make.

Recently, the juggling has been more difficult in my life. And try as I may to give myself fully to my husband and my church work and return the phone calls of my parents and tend to those pesky weeds sprouting up in the garden, there are also the distractions that somehow sneak in and ruin the delicate balance that we create. I spent far too much time this past week reading Grey’s Anatomy fanfiction. No lie. It’s embarassing really. And over the weekend, as I prepare for Annual Conference, I’m struggling with how I can possibly spend time with the family who are coming into town, while at the same time I have obligations for rehearsals and plenary sessions. I struggle to balance how long I stay after church on a Sunday and heading out to the river to be with my in-laws and my neice and nephews. I struggle with what to do on my Fridays off with my husband when a special meeting is called in Des Moines. I struggle with finding time to get the sermon written when a funeral comes up and find myself taking time away from sleep to get it accomplished. The pull between these vocations is intense!

As I sat down to think about this idea of multiple vocations, my mind drifts to the saints who have walked before us. What biblical characters struggled with these demands? Which founders of our faith successfully navigated these waters? My mind draws blanks. I think about the ones who didn’t…. Paul’s urging of those who were unmarried to stay that way. John Wesley’s failed relationships. Even Moses left his wife and children with his father-in-law, Jethro, for a time (Exodus 18)… and I’m not sure that when they came back they came back to stay. I’m hoping others can point me to some better role models!

Modern brain science has taught us that we really cannot do more than one thing at a time. When we believe we are multi-tasking, we are really just switching incredibly quickly between one task and another, giving each full attention… even if just for micro-seconds. But it leaves us fragmented and tired, even though our brains are quickly adapting and getting better at this dance.

What are we to do? What is the right balance? And if it comes down to it, what will be our first priority?