Things you can't plan…

This Sunday, I wanted to share with the children that the gifts we have are meant to be shared.  I invited them to imagine what would happen if they were given a dollar, or found a dollar on the ground.  I held out four quarters in my hand.

“What can you do with a dollar?” I asked.

Would you believe that the first five answers I received were that we should save it?

Even when we started thinking about things to buy, one of the children wanted to buy a piggy bank.

So smart, those kids.

So we put one quarter aside to save.  God wants us to be wise.

Then we talked about the people that we could help with our money.  We talked about how God gave us this gift so that we can help other people, and so we put one quarter aside to give to God.  We can put that money in the offering plate, or in our buckets to raise money for Women at the Well, or to someone who needs help.

And then we talked about the fact that we still have TWO quarters left.  And that means that by the grace of God we have 50 cents more than when we started AND we are saving something AND we are helping God.

As a reminder that what we have is truly a gift, I gave each young person a quarter.  I told them they could do with that quarter whatever they wanted.

One of the littlest among the group promptly stood up, marched back to the altar table, and plunked her quarter in the offering plate.

Praise be to God.

Out of the Mouths of Babes – or – What I learned from VBS

We all know that kids say the darndest things… but they also speak deep truths and absolutely astound me with their questions.  They are unafraid to wonder, not shy with their uncertainties, and will ask until they get a satisfactory answer.

Although I have been a pastor for five years, I have not spent very much time at all teaching little ones.  My church has some dedicated Sunday School teachers and I have been blessed by their work.  I do make the time and effort to lead the children’s sermon each week – in part because it is important for the little ones to know me and for me to spend some time talking on their level.  But two-five minutes a week is nothing compared to the opportunities I had last week to teach students at Vacation Bible School.

Our community Presbyterian, Catholic and United Methodist churches sponsor a community wide VBS each year.  The program was up and running long before I showed up and it is absolutely wonderful.  Working together, we can do so much more than we could apart.  And this year we had 65 students ages three through fifth grade.  For the past two years, I participated as a shepherd for the 3 and 4 year olds.  I moved them from station to station (crafts, music, snack, lesson, games), watched over potty breaks, wiped away tears, had little ones sitting on my lap and we played LOTS of “duck, duck, goose.”  It was fascinating to watch them think, to get to know each of them better, and to love on them.

But for each of those years, I didn’t have to teach.  I didn’t have to answer questions.  I was hands and feet and eyes and ears and didn’t have to say a whole lot.  Which was kind of nice.

This year, I was recruited to lead the lesson time for all of the students.  In 20 minute blocks, students came to me in my basement forest campground and we told stories around my “campfire.”

Let me tell you, 20 minutes is NOT enough time to tell a story. Especially with the questions and insights these kids have.

Our very first lesson: Jesus calming the wind and the waves.  I have my script in hand courtesy of the prepared and purchased VBS kit and launch into the story about how Jesus, God’s Son, had fallen asleep on the boat.  A hand shoots up among from amongs the first and second grade class.

“But, I thought Jesus was God…”

I get my bearings… “Yes, Jesus is God.”

“But you said Jesus was God’s Son.”

“Yes, I did.  And Yes, he is.”

“But…”

“I know… It’s confusing.  I’m confused, too!”

These kids don’t miss a beat.  And they are asking the exact same question their parents and grandparents are often afraid to ask.  Questions that simply can’t be answered in twenty minutes when we need to tell a story, pray, memorize a bible verse, and hit home the point of the theme for the night.

“How do we pray?”

“How does God answer my prayers… will God talk to me? How long will it take?  Do I just wait until I hear him?”

“What is the Holy Spirit?”

“How did Jesus die?” (as I’m holding up the empty wooden cross… try explaining capital punishment to a three year old in thirty seconds!)

“If Jesus is God, then did God die on the cross, too?”

“If Jesus forgives me, why do I still have to sit in time-out?”

“Are angels real?”

Those kids kept me on my toes!  They wracked my brain, theologically speaking.  Especially one little girl who had lots and lots of questions about prayer.  We talk a lot about praying to God and praying to Jesus, and she had just reached this stage in her development where saying a wrote prayer wasn’t enough.  She wanted to know how prayer worked – how it could change her life – how it could really and truly make her feel better when she was scared.  We talked about how prayer is a conversation, how we can close our eyes and clasp our hands to pray or stand outside and shout to the skies.  But then she wanted to know about how God answers… what does God do to make us feel better?  Does he talk to us?  Does he fix things?  Does he send people?  I wanted to wrap her up in my arms and thank her for all of her amazing questions and sit and talk with her for hours…

I learned from Vacation Bible School that we have some amazing little kids in our community.

I learned that the simplest questions are the hardest.

I learned that I felt very uncomfortable trying to use substitutionary atonement (the predominant theology of the materials) to explain why Jesus died for us to the little ones and did much better with the “Christ as King” metaphors… although it took me two classes to get to that point.

I learned that with a few sheets and some plants and ceramic animals, a basement can transform from a lake to a field to a desert… and that the kids will go right along with you.

I learned that telling stories is a lot of work and exhausting for my body and my voice.

I learned that there have got to be better ways of teaching prayer to kids than having them close their eyes and clasp their hands and repeat after us.

I learned that I have a lot to learn about teaching children.

I learned that dried allium makes excellent tumbleweeds and a card table with some pillows and a blanket makes a very convincing bear/lion cave.

I learned that kids would much rather be sheep and lions and camels than kids.

I learned that the allure of a “bear cave” or an open tent flap is just too much for some little ones to take 😉

I learned that even at four and five, we have a hard time admitting that we are sometimes bad and make mistakes and get into trouble.

I learned to be grateful for all of those people, everywhere, but especially in Marengo last week, who teach our little ones.

What tires you?

I recently had my annual interview with my conference superintendent.  We talked about what was going on in the church, the joys and the struggles of ministry in a small town like Marengo, and I had a chance to talk about what I feel is a calling to revitalize small to medium sized churches like the one I am currently serving.

But about three fourths of the way through our conversation, he stopped me and said:  A few times now you have used phrases like “in a rut,” “tired,” and “wears me out.”  What is going on with that?

I had not even realized that I had been doing it.  And as I sat there and thought, my work had very little to do with why I was feeling that way.

My ministry was feeling some of the side effects of what was going on in other parts of my life.

So I’ve been thinking really hard this week about what exactly it is that is wearing me out.  Stress, conflict, exhaustion in some areas of our lives bleed through to the ones that are going well.  So you can’t ignore it.  You have to figure it out and work on dealing with it.
What is wearing me out?
To have a baby or not
It seems like everyone around me is pregnant or just had a baby.  I’m twenty-nine years old and I was convinced that I would have babies (yes, plural) by this point.  But my husband doesn’t want children.  He can’t imagine how they would fit into our crazy, busy lives.  And he’s right.  Our lives as they are right now don’t work for children.  They would have to change.  I am okay with that, he’s not.
So, for months now, we have been avoiding the conversation.  And not having a conversation is as hard as having it.  I mean, how do you compromise on something like that?  Either we have kids or we don’t… One of us is going to not get our way. And that reality in itself is hard for someone like me, who wants it to be fair for everyone, to deal with.
But, we finally did it.  We had the conversation.  A big, long conversation.  As I thought about all of the things that I am asking my husband to compromise on in this life as a pastor’s spouse (where we live, when we move, what kind of community we live in, potentially asking his own work to take a back seat at some point), I want to try to let him have this one. And in the end, I promised that I would live into the reality and sit with the idea that we aren’t going to have kids.  As I have done this these past few weeks, it has been easier.  The craziness that is teenage life expressed among my youth group kids helps (yikes!  I pity you parents!). Having adorable nephews and a niece to pour out all of my love on makes a huge difference (I can spoil them and wind them up and then leave!).  And considering the fact that I have not had a weekend free since the middle of August, our lives really are just too crazy to stick a baby into the middle of it right now.
That doesn’t mean that every time I see a baby I don’t get a twinge in my heart.  It doesn’t mean that I’m 100% okay with not having kids.  But I love my husband. And to be honest, I love my crazy and busy life, too.  And so we are going to try to make this decision work. But, please, for now, stop asking when we are going to have kids!
Family stress

There is a lot going on in my extended family right now that also adds stress and conflict and emotional burdens to my life right now.  So much so that as I sat in a funeral for a friend’s grandparents this past weekend, the tears just would not stop.  I’m mourning the loss of what was and it feels like we can never go back… the relationships are so damaged that I really cannot see a way forward. Carrying that pain is exhausting, but letting it go means that I have given up.

That conflict seems to also affect other relationships that are experiencing conflict… ones that would not have been so burdensome otherwise.  When I see firsthand what happens when problems are not addressed, and then watch other people in my life make similar choices to sweep things under the rug, I cringe, imagining the worst of what might happen.

I am so grateful for my brothers who are right there beside me walking this hard road and I can already see the ways that my family has been brought closer together as we protect and love and support one another… and as we commit ourselves to talking about what is going on in our lives, instead of pretending.

Exercise?  What’s that?
The hard part about really loving your work is that it takes over your life if you let it.  And I have.  It has been so flexible lately that I don’t have a routine for my home life. And so I’m doing good things and come home tired and instead of taking care of myself (especially my body), I sit in front of the television and let my brain turn into a pile of goo.  Exercise gives endorphins and makes you feel good and I just have not been keeping up with it lately.  But my mom and I are going to start holding one another accountable and that should help. =)

Our lives need balance and they need support.  When one area of our relationships or work or health is not functioning fully, the whole system can fall apart.  So take a good hard look… what is tiring you out?  And what can you do to take that seriously?

one word: lonely #reverb10

The only way for your life to be different is if you take a good hard look at it and figure out what exactly needs to change.  And my life needs a good hard look right now.

In some ways, I am feeling a little snarky as I write this.  I am kind of in an off mood.  So this might not be the chipper Katie that you sometimes hear from.

Charged with this task:

December 1 – One Word. Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you? (Author: Gwen Bell)

I have to admit that this has been a really strange year.  If I look back on it all and try to capture it in one word – that word would have to be lonely.

I pick that word, because it captures both the way I have felt and the way I didn’t feel.

In the midst of community and people, in the midst of a marriage and a family, in the midst of lots of people and relationships – there have been so many days where I have felt incredibly alone.

Alone because who I am makes me different from other people.  As a pastor, I am apart from my congregation.  As a woman, I am apart from my male colleauges in ministry.  As a young person, I am apart in the midst of gatherings of older folks at meetings.  As a person of faith, I am apart when we gather with friends who are not. As someone who is not a mother among family members who have kids and grandkids. And sometimes as the conversation gets rolling, I feel very lonely… even in the midst of community.  I long for people like me to talk with.  I realize just how alone I am.
At the same time, I have tried in many ways to combat that loneliness.  Our young clergy lunches have been a beacon of community and fellowship.  My online connections through facebook and twitter and my writing have provided an outlet and a place to find familiar voices. I am learning to find those common places with older folks and men and parishoners and friends that I can hold on to when I start to feel lonely again.
I also have learned in some ways to be okay with the loneliness.  Running was an outlet for a while – although the weather is colder and I got lazy and that stopped.  Crocheting has become a powerful way to be with myself… something to keep my hands and therefore my mind busy.
I have all of this talk about being lonely and I wonder if anyone out there reading would think that I am single.  I am not.  I’m married to a wonderful guy – but even in marriage there is loneliness.  That is not something I expected.  I didn’t expect the days when our schedules didn’t match up and the house was empty.  I didn’t expect the days when we were both so busy doing our own thing that we barely talked.  We each have our own little corners of the house:  his office and for me, well I move around between my office and the couch and whatever other warm little nook seems appealing that day.  I didn’t expect that our working lives would be so compartmentalized from one another.  And I didn’t expect that we would have no children.
That last one is probably my number one source of loneliness.  Just the two of us doesn’t quite seem to be enough for me.  I want little laughter rippling through the house.  I want teasing and tickling and the grumbles of a child who doesn’t want to eat their peas.  I want family gathered around our dining room table.  I want stuffed animals lying around that children forgot to put away.  I want to be woken up in the morning by kisses and tears.  I want to tuck someone into bed at night.
This year I realized that our cats – as much as I love and adore them – cannot replace children in my life.  And while Tiki and Turbo provide immense happiness and companionship, they are not mine in the same way.

Not having a family makes me very lonely.

All of that being said – what word would I want to represent the next year of my life?
I cannot make children come into my life.  It may not be a reality for next year.  But I do want family to take absolute priority.  I want to find new ways to be family with congregation members.  I want to take my own family more seriously and less for granted.  I want to talk with my brothers and sisters more often.  I want to spend more afternoons with my mom and dad and in-laws.  I want to go on more dates with my husband. I want those relationships to be more important than anything else.  I want next year to be about family.

An Interview with RevGals

These questions were posted this week as a part of the Monday Meet-N-Greet. I know – I’m late. Oh well!

1. Where do you blog? Here! and at http://www.kenoticwords.blogspot.com/

2. What are your favorite non-revgal blog pal blogs? United Methodeviations, Bread & Honey

3. What gives you joy? Being on a porch with good friends and family talking about life. Baptizing a child. Singing a favorite hymn. Sleeping next to my husband.

4. What is your favorite sound? My cats purring.

5. What do you hope to hear once you enter the pearly gates? This is a really hard question. In part because I don’t know that the pearly gates is that great of a metaphor for what awaits us. For me, this question is about what would I want to be able to hear that I can’t already hear/know here on earth… I can already hear God saying that I am loved… so I guess I would want to be able to hear all of the intangible things that we can’t understand about one another. I would like to be able to hear a smile.

6. You have up to 15 words, what would you put on your tombstone? She lived her whole life with her whole self and loved everyone she met.

7. Write the first sentence of your own great American novel. Today I planted the very first seed…

8. What color do you prefer your pen? Black

9. What magazines do you subscribe too? None at the moment. But I sometimes buy “Everday Food” and used to get “Utne Reader”

10. What is something you want to achieve in this decade? I want to have a child in this decade (if we are thinking 2000-2010)… and the time is quickly slipping away.

11. Why are you cool? Because I like to wear heels with my jeans, I listen to space rock (Incubus), watch the Daily Show, study the perichoretic nature of God, and because I’m probably the youngest pastor in a 50 mile radius (if not wider) of where I live.

12. What is one of your favorite memories? having my husband wipe away the tears of joy from my eyes with my grandma’s handkerchief during our wedding ceremony.

13. Anything else you’ve always wanted to be asked? What is a metaphor/image for your ministry? Despite being an itinerant United Methodist pastor… my deepest metaphor for ministry is that of a gardener or farmer – putting deep roots into the ground and tending the spot that you are given – taking care of the land and the soil and freely giving the fruits of the labor away to those who need them the most.