true self – Page 3 – Salvaged Faith

traveling light?

Posted on June 4, 20112 Comments

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My family just got back a few days ago from a trip to the Lake of the Ozarks. It was a Christmas/Anniversary/Birthday gift to our parents from all the kids. We rented a huge house on the water and had four glorious days to spend with one another.

Packing for such an adventure was a different story. Sure there was a full kitchen with appliances – but would they have salt and pepper? Tupperware to store leftovers? Parchment paper for under the oven fries? The absolute best price on steak we had seen for months?

We all threw in what we thought was good and necessary… including the whole watermelon I had left over from a youth event the Wednesday before. And that car was PACKED to the BRIM with our stuff.

Of course, then comes my brothers and sister-in-law. A backpack with some clothes and some sneaks =)

I am procrastinating right now, because what I should be doing is finishing my packing for Annual Conference.

I’ve got the prerequisite clothes, but I must admit I packed an extra outfit or two… it is supposed to be in the 90’s two of our days and we are going to be sitting in a60 degree cool airconditioned hall – it makes it hard to predict what to wear.

I cut down on weight by putting all of my annual conference materials on my kindle… but then I found room to pack some notecards and thank you materials. And a journal for taking notes/putting ammendments.

I need to bring two different knitting projects for the long hours spent sitting.

And walking shoes for walking… and flip flops for hanging out in the sun on breaks.

My laptop for the room.

My camera to document the artwork installation and to add pictures to the online conversation.

Try as I might, I never can seem to pack light for Annual Conference.

its not an 8-5 job…

Posted on February 26, 2011Leave a comment

For the past month and a half… probably actually since before Christmas… my schedule has been chaotic.

You are told things when you start out in ministry about how pastors sometimes work 80+ hour weeks and how you are on-call 24/7 and how your life just might get sucked up into a vortex of ministry.

I didn’t believe it.

Or rather, I was committed to not letting it happen to me.

And I must say that for a full three years, I have done “okay” at keeping my boundaries firm.

I scheduled my day off for Friday so that I would have two full days off in a row. I took time off when I worked too much the previous week. I don’t fret about afternoon naps or mornings sleeping in when meetings are scheduled for the evening. And when the weather is warm, I have a robust desire to spend my free time on the disc golf course or in my garden rather than being cramped up in the office. I get my work done, I spend time with folks, but I make sure to take care of myself, too.

But 2011 has been absolutely nuts.

I realized this morning as I was riding in a car to yet another Saturday church-related function that I had only spent about an hour with my husband the entire week. I realized that it is the fifth Saturday in a row that I have had something going on… between funerals and conference meetings and church retreats. I realized that since I made two hospital visits and worked on the newsletter yesterday that I have not had a day off this week.

What on earth happened?

I think part of the slip in my boundaries has to do with a number of important things going on in the life of the church that I have chosen to prioritize and give extra time to. I also ran into a week with four funerals and was gone for a week and therefore had catch-up work.

But there was another shift in my household that I didn’t quite take note of. My husband started working 8-5, Monday through Friday.

Before this, B had worked with his dad and the time was flexible. The only time I knew he would be working away from home was on Tuesdays… other than that, he would go in on-call and work a lot from home. They fix computers and I am always amazed at the ability to take over a client’s computer and do updates and take care of issues from the comfort of our home.

All of that changed when my father-in-law had a seizure just after the new year.

We don’t know what caused it, but it happened.

And now, he is not allowed to drive, and the two of them have become an inseperable team… heading off to see clients together and working from his dad’s office.

Before this, if I had to work in the evening, I got an afternoon to spend with my husband. Fridays almost always were free for both of us. And even when I got home from meetings, we would stay up late watching movies because we both had the freedom to sleep a bit later.

Now, my husband gets up before me and is out the door before I have a chance to really wake up. My evenings are just about as busy, which is why three nights out of five this week I wasn’t home before 8 or 9 or later… when he was getting ready to settle down and turn in.

It’s easier to say yes to a hospital visit or a meeting on a Friday, because I don’t have anyone at home waiting for me.

There is definately something to be said for having a stay-at-home spouse when you are in ministry. I wonder if others of you who have spouses who work have similiar frustrations. How do you balance out the time with your husband or wife or family when one of the traditional “weekend” days is taken up with work and ministry? How do you find time to spend with one another when weeknight meetings are a regular part of the job?

I have always cherished the flexibility of my schedule. But I’m starting to resent it… a little bit. I miss my husband. I miss my days off. And this chaos has got to get some order put to it.

a strange beauty… #reverb10

Posted on January 15, 2011Leave a comment

A few days ago, I happened to catch an interview with Simone Dinnerstein on NPR. She has come out with an album that is an interpretation of Bach masterpieces for piano called “A Strange Beauty.” The pieces themselves are wondrous and in the interview she talked about how she almost invisions them as jazz compositions. The voices shift, there are notes that speak to her that are not a part of the melody, the little discrepencies that truly make these pieces different.

In the album notes, she quotes the scientist Sir Francis Bacon: “There is no excellent beauty that hath not some strangeness in the proportion.” The most beautiful things are not those that are symmetrical and perfect, but that draw our attention, make us slightly uncomfortable until we settle within it, creates a holy and beautiful disturbance in our souls.

December 8 – Beautifully Different. Think about what makes you different and what you do that lights people up. Reflect on all the things that make you different – you’ll find they’re what make you beautiful. (Author: Karen Walrond)

So what is that about me? What makes me a strange beauty? What are the qualities that stick out like a sore thumb, and yet are the reason people draw close?

It is a hard question to think about. I often want to leave these qualities for someone else to name, but this whole process is about self-reflection, about seeing ourselves the way others see us. So here is a list of what I have come up with:

My eagerness – foolish, naive, excited, passionate, unafraid. I’m willing to dive in, raise my hand, say yes before I have a chance to think about it. Part of this is my youth, but I think my congregation loves it in me because I inspire them to take chances as well.

My shoes – I have always loved shoes. I remember these platform mary janes I had in high school. Now, it is the red flats, the pointy toed, high heeled boots, the slip on suede privos… they share my personality for the day and are a conversation piece.

My inquisitive side – I always have questions. I always want to know more. Maybe this makes me strangely annoying rather than strangely beautiful.

My ability to see gray areas – I find myself straddling the line between positions. I see the pros and cons, but more than that, the passion and emotions with which people make their arguments. I am a peacemaker, a negotiator, and because of this, I almost never have “the answer.” It is not for a lack of confidence in my position, rather my love and passion for the process that has led others to their own.

My voice that developed very late – I was never a good singer growing up. My mom told me once that I was off key as we sang aloud in the car on a trip. I’m not sure I quite got over the sting of that until I was much older… I loved to sing out loud, whether I was good at it or not. In high school I took voice lessons, sang at competition, and never did well. My upper range had not developed and I was a very sad second alto because my very lower range wasn’t the best either. Sometime in college/seminary, I found my voice. This past year, I have sung solos twice in church. I have found a confidence and a passion in my voice I never knew I had. And I think the confidence is what makes my voice beautiful. I’m not afraid for people to hear me sing anymore.

walking on sunshine #reverb10

Posted on January 3, 2011Leave a comment

This prompt is HARD!!! First of all, I took a lot of pictures this year, so that was problem number one not a lot with me in them! Second, there are so many different “mes” I have tried to be this year. But In answer to the prompt:

December 25 – Photo – Sift through all the photos of you from the past year. Choose one that best captures you; either who you are, or who you strive to be. Find the shot of you that is worth a thousand words. Share the image, who shot it, where, and what it best reveals about you. (Author: Tracey Clark)

It is not a flattering picture of myself… but it is me and my husband out on the water, enjoying the sun. I’m sure it is one that we took ourselves by holding out the camera. The sunglasses are on, the tongues are out – a sure sign of a good time and silliness, the air is warm, and we are with family enjoying ourselves.

What I see in this picture is life, energy, and fun.

This is the source of the passion I can bring to my ministry. It is what allows me to recharge my batteries. Whether it is Hawaii with my mom’s family or out on the river or the lake with my husband’s family, disc golfing in the summer… just being outside, enjoying the creation, letting other people take care of you and taking care of others is important.

What I want is for 2011 to have just as many of these kinds of moments, if not more. Times to truly relax and to be myself. Moments to let go and be silly. Days when I am not on call and don’t have to be anywhere… because they make those days when I do have to be there for others so much easier.

My first choice would have to be:

Anne (with an ‘e’) #reverb10

Posted on January 2, 20112 Comments

One of my favorite television series/movies of all time is Anne of Green Gables. I must admit, rather sheepishly, that I have NOT read the books. I need to. I know I do. They will be my first purchase when I get an e-reader. I promise. (I actually began typing this post before Christmas… got busy and never finished it. I am pleased to report that not only do I now have a kindle… but I also was able to get the Anne of Green Gables books for free!!!! I’m 73% of the way through the first book!)

A scene that always captures my attention is when Anne stands before Marilla Cuthburt for the first time and introduces herself.

“Would you please call me Cordelia?”

“Call you Cordelia? Is that your name?”

“No, but please call me that. Cordelia is such a romantic name.”

December 23 – New Name Let’s meet again, for the first time. If you could introduce yourself to strangers by another name for just one day, what would it be and why? (Author: Becca Wilcott)

I am absolutely stumped for a response.

I have never thought about what my name would be if it was not Katie.

I have always been a Katie. It was the name given to me at my birth. I will always be a Katie.

Not a Katherine, not a Kathleen, not a Katarina…

I am Katie.

Well, that’s not entirely true. In the first grade, we had three “Katie”s in my class. And so we became Katie M., Katie W., and Katie Z.

Since then I have always been Katie Z. No one could pronounce my last name anyway, so Katie Z. stuck.

Even in marriage, I couldn’t let go of the Z. For so long in my life it has been who I am. It is a part of me, too. I couldn’t decide if I should do two last names, or change my middle name, but I liked my family middle name of “Marie” – so now I have two middle names – and since I never signed with my middle name anways, I sign all of my checks “Katie Z. Dawson”

I am Katie Z.

And now that I am in the ministry, I have to say that my name has evolved again.

Pastor Katie is what everyone calls me. It is how I answer the phone when a call comes in to the office. Sometimes I even catch myself answering my cell phone that way – even if it is a friend or a family member calling.

So Pastor Katie is who I am now also.

I really cannot imagine myself with another name. One thing that I have thought of is whether “Katie” is a little juvenille sounding… it has that “ee” sound at the end, like “billy” or “susie” might. So, without having much scope for the imagination myself (sorry Anne, that’s why I have to read your books, instead of just imagining things up myself), I think that the first “new name” I would like to try would simply be “Kate.” So boring.

So then I googled “top 100 names” – I’m not having a really creative sort of day today, am I?! And I found this “renamer” based on characteristics about yourself. I hated every single name that came up on the first round. Every single one. I got only slightly better luck on the second round… but then saw one of my names was “Bernice” and that is what we named my best friend’s extensions last night. Doh.

I give up. What do you think is a better name for me?

Don’t Try… DO! #reverb10

Posted on December 18, 2010Leave a comment

For me, the word try has some negative connotations. As in – if you are trying to do something, you aren’t really, actually, doing it.
Kaileen Elise challegned us today:

December 18 – Try What do you want to try next year? Is there something you wanted to try in 2010? What happened when you did / didn’t go for it?

My mind is a wash of a lot of things that I want to do, see, learn in the next year. I want to learn how to play the guitar. I want to lose 15 lbs and tone up some muscles and maintain that physique. I want to take writing more seriously. Professionally speaking, I want to empower my laity so that I don’t have to write the agendas for all of our meetings. I want a deeper relationship with God through prayer and stillness. I want to spend more time with my family

But as I think about all of those things, nothing strikes me as something to try at… either I’m going to do them, or I’m not.

So trying… what would I want to try? What would I want to explore? What do I want to collisally fail at? What do I want to take a chance on and see if maybe, possibly, I like it? What kind of one-shot experience do I want for 2011?

I have to admit, I wasn’t feeling very creative when I started thinking about this. In fact, I avoided the prompt all day long hoping for some inspiration. Finally, I got desperate. I googled… don’t laugh… “things to try.”

And I found a bunch of really interesting stuff!!!

First up, 10 frugal things to try before you die. I have to admit – I’ve done a number of these things already. Goodwill and Stuff,Etc. are staples for bargain hunting clothes. I’ve also been dumpster diving before. And I regularly try to salvage the fruits and veggies in my fridge that are going a little south…. maybe that’s not the same thing as “slumming” it… but it’s close! I can sew, knit, and crochet. So I’m doing pretty good on this list. Although, the drip tray pint might be an adventure that I can add to my list?

Next, Things to try at Wal-Mart when you are bored. Self-explanatory. But nothing that I really want to do… maybe if I were ten years younger.

There are a ton of bucket-lists out there, including this one, and this one, and oh yeah, this one.

Some highlights on those – things that actually might be possible for me in the next year:

have your portrait painted… I’ve never done this – not even those cartoon drawings at Adventureland.
run a marathon… How about run a 5k -that’s definately something to add to my list.
make love on the kitchen floor… yep.
make a hole in one… I don’t golf (oh, that’s another one to add to the list) – but I do disc golf and making an ace would be amazing… it’s definately something to try and shoot for!
play a round of golf… see above.
be someone’s mentor… being a young person, that hasn’t really been an opportunity for me yet – except there is this thing called reverse mentoring and a colleage and I are going to do it this next year
visit New York City… definately on my list. In fact, I would like to take a trip to the northeast in general this next year.
go skiing… I have never been snow skiing in my life. That’s a great thing I could try next year.
fly first class… this would definately be fun. something to experience, something I can probably afford to do only once =)
wear more dresses… I love dresses, but finding good ones that are staples for a wardrobe is hard – this might be a fun thing to try!
cook with herbs from my own garden… I have yet to grow herbs and this would be an awesome thing to try for next year!
try to cook a national food… this one inspired me to think about getting the kolach recipe from my recipe box and actually attempting to bake them myself.

Hmm… that’s a pretty good list of things to try! Possible things. Fun things. Some of them easy to accomplish. Some of them that might take some planning.

Is there anything like that from 2010?

Probably hiking up Koko Head Crater. It was something I always wanted to do and I finally did it, barely. That’s something I’ve talked about in a few of these other reverb10 posts.

I sang a solo in church, twice this year, which was quite an accomplishment for me. It was a little scary, but I actually did it! The first time was for a Good Friday Tenebrae service, and the second time I busted out a song as a part of my sermon – a capella!!!

Another big accomplishment for me this year is that I decided to try and make a full scale blanket by crocheting/knitting. It was a huge success and I’m now working on number three!!! A big step up from the scarves – which were my only prior attempts.

Jumping Through Hoops #reverb10

Posted on December 17, 2010Leave a comment

I came late to this Reverb10 party, so I have been trying to do some catch-up on the prompts. And I found myself absolutely stuck. frozen. unable to think or move or do. I was floored by my inability to respond to some of these prompts.

December 17 – Lesson Learned What was the best thing you learned about yourself this past year? And how will you apply that lesson going forward? (Author: Tara Weaver)

The best thing I learned this year has taken me a long time to learn… all the way until this morning in fact. I was sitting here thinking about why this reflection stuff has been so incredibly difficult and I realize it is because I have not really been paying attention to my own life. I learned this morning that I have spent an entire year jumping through hoops.

That doesn’t mean that there weren’t incredibly high and incredibly low moments along the way. It doesn’t mean that I haven’t been engaged in a number of important things. But on a day to day basis, I have let my life go on without giving it much thought. I haven’t taken the time to figure out what is important and so there wasn’t always time for family or friends. I spent many days drifting along doing what I needed to do, instead of taking a hold of my life and really living it.

I did all the things I was supposed to. I did what was asked of me. I did a few things that I wanted to. In fact, I was juggling an awful lot of hoops at various times this year. I was often rushing from this to that with barely time to breath in between… so when I finally did stop, I crashed. In the midst of it all, I took a few chances – and those small moments glimmer in the sea of fuzzy gray that was my life this year.

How did I let this whole year slip away without learning how to play guitar? without painting the walls in my house? without having the long and hard conversation about children with my husband? without finally taking my health seriously and losing some weight? without reading those ten books on the shelf?

I took my life this year day by day. I did what I had to do for the day and put those other things off to another time. And that time never came. I jumped through the hoop and then I turned right back around and jumped through the hoop again. Over and over and over without getting anywhere.

So next year, in 2011, no more hoop jumping. I am taking charge of my life. I’m not going to be afraid. I’m not going to put something off until tomorrow. I’m going to figure out the few things that are really important and make room for them. I’m going to take that hoop and thrown it far ahead – challenge myself, set goals – real goals, and accomplish them.

I’m not going to let another year of my life slip through my fingers.

A Writer? #reverb10

Posted on December 16, 2010Leave a comment

I’m not sure that I really consider myself a writer.

Or at least, I haven’t considered it before.

When I make a list of hobbies and things I like to do, writing never makes an appearance.

When I talk about the things that I am good at, I have never thought to include writing.

But, dammit, I am a good writer! (or should that be “I write well” – ugh – I have never claimed to be an expert grammatically, and probably never will)

Over the last three years as a pastor, I have probably written more pages worth of thoughts than I did my entire college career. I wrote a lot in seminary – so I probably haven’t overcome that work yet… but I’m getting there!

It is a completely different sort of writing, however. I’m writing not for a teacher and not an academic paper, but I am writing for an audience. I am writing things that are meant to be read. I am writing things that I read/preach out loud – writing that becomes spoken and heard by many. I write for everyday folks. I write to make connections with other people and to bring things to life. And besides the sermon writing I do – and many times I would include sermons, also – I write because it brings me enjoyment.

And I love doing it. I love bringing together different sorts of situations and concepts and making connections. I love telling some one’s story – whether it is someone in scripture or a stranger who has passed away. I love to write! I AM A WRITER!!!

So when I think about the prompt for December 2:

Writing. What do you do each day that doesn’t contribute to your writing — and can you eliminate it?(Author: Leo Babauta)

I think first and foremost that I do (did) not believe I am a writer.

And if I don’t think of myself as a writer on a daily basis, then I do not practice my craft. I don’t work on it. I don’t give myself time to write. I see it as something in the background, rather than a central part of who I am.

I have tried at various times to be a musician and a chef and an artist and to play guitar and to sing and what not… some of those things I can do – and am getting better at doing the more I do it. But I think if I look at all of those things, nothing really gives me the kind of satisfaction that I receive when I sit down and let my thoughts pour out. None of them have allowed me to connect with other people the way that my writing does.

What I appreciate the most about this whole reverb10 enterprise is the fact that I am discovering so much about myself. I’m letting go of doubts and self-denial and I’m just taking the risk. I’m putting it out there. And it feels so freakin’ good to say it!

I am a writer! And I can’t wait to see where this realization takes me.